Abhi tak single?

Ok - we're done here.

2010-04-08T21:31:00.001-07:00

On to blog number 5. When-ever, and where-ever, that shall happen.

Not starved
Not friendless
Not miserable
Still single.

(By the by ... this tripe was number 3, I think.)

Weight and watch - let's begin

2010-02-22T00:28:00.000-08:00

Ok - it's seriously time to get thin again!!

Current weight - 182lbs
BMI - 24.7 (barely under overweight, but I am)
Goal weight - 165lbs
Agreeable weight - 170lbs

So that means 12lbs to be lost. Going at a very doable pound a week, that'll take 3 months. Which isn't too bad at all!!

Next check - Sunday, February 28th.

Let's try this position

2010-02-19T17:07:00.001-08:00

She wasn't tall per se. Her friends described her as being more "leggy". And she certainly was beautiful - with glistening black skin and that rather unique hourglass tatto0 - even if she was morbidly obese. Well, compared to her lover, at least - who was a timid sort of fellow, unfortunately blessed with a massive libido. But she wasn't always in the mood to copulate ... plus she tended to be rather temperamental, making things even more difficult.

Today seemed a good day. He came to her place, and gingerly approached her. She seemed disinterested at first, but eventually let him mount. A few minutes later, the deed done, he was ready to leave ... when she killed him and ate his body.

Two weeks passed, and 200 young Black Widow spiders came into the world.

Currently, I am feeling ...

2009-08-29T23:04:00.000-07:00

Lonely
Tired
Reminiscent
Sad
Overloaded
Apprehensive
Confused
Indecisive
Thoughtful
Happy

No - not yet happy.

Of Birds And Bees

2009-08-20T18:16:00.000-07:00

All of a sudden, I'm inspired. Inspired enough to blog about a total super-duper hit song .. Go Pigeon Go Go ... from one of my favorite movies ever. Jee haan, MPK!!

Come along ... let's play ...

Oh look look - the song begins with a shot of Handsome. Nope, I'm not talking about Lakshmikant Berde, folks - Handsome is the chief protagonist of the song - our pyaara kabootar!

2 seconds - Mummy, can I pleaaaase have that pencil in Bhagu's pencil holder? The one with a heart on top of it.

7 seconds - Oooh .. tingly feeling all over. Check out Bhagu's "Take me roughly, you big boy" look!

14 seconds - And she's up!! But OH MY GOD - what the fuck is she wearing? Did she leave her "dress" out during some third grade painting class? And what is the deal with the white scrunchy?

18 seconds - Now just a bloody second. Is that a whole wall of Sallu's photos? Umm .. stalker much? Or is that Sallu's room only? How very self obsessed.

22 seconds - And we see what inspired the dress. I can almost hear Tim Gunn say "This troubles meee ..."

28 seconds - why the hell did Handsome suddenly fly as if someone put a bullet up his ass?

33 seconds - I'm sorry, but am I the only one who thinks that Handsome looks like the Killer Bird From Hell with the letter in his beak? Just pause for a second and look at those murderous eyes!!

38 seconds - Is Bhagu contemplating some quail for din-din? Bhaag Handsome ... bhaaag!!!

52 seconds - Mummmmyy ... I also want that jhoola.

57 seconds - Hello!! Handsome clearly has the Avian Flu, you dumb bimbo.

Can I just pause for a second to say that the room is horribly done up. There are just too many colors interspersed with white going on.

And also, can no one see that Handsome is trying to jaaa jaaa in actuality. Can't blame him really .. I too would be trying to get away if someone was blaring away right into my ear, while holding me tightly by the legs. Wait .. did that sound a bit sexual?

Moving on ...

1:21 - Even her "bellies" are white. Talk about looking up to Jeetu.

1:38 - Watch out ... cliche central up ahead!!! .. blank page with pen poised to write another khatt, the Friend vaali cap, the heart with a band-aid (wtf!!) and a sign that says "I love you so much it hurts" (double wtf!!) ... and oh of course .. red roses. Le sigh.

1:42 - Excuse me? Is she putting his socks into his shoes? And then staring wistfully at his Fugly jacket? And what in the world is she looking for outside of the room? Sallu? But he's off to some random party or something, I believe. And the kabootar toh she only asked to jaa jaa. What a mad woman!!

1:59 - But oh look ... this is why you should get a dog (Tuffy, anyone?) instead of a dumb bird. The kabootar was unable to figure its way out of the house, and is dumbly squatting in the corner. Useless.

2:07 - Let's just listen to the lyrics for a second, shall we? "Unse kehna jabse gaye tum main toh adhoori lagti hoon" ... didn't Bhagu's diabetic baap (the insufferable Alok-I-have-returned-from-the-Gulf-or-someplace-with-my-khuddari Nath) ever teach her to be a bit self reliant and not be so needy?

2:20 - Yayy .. my absolute favorite line EVER ... "Bhool hui jo unhey sataayaaaa .. Hoooooooo OOOoooooo (who the hell is shrieking this, anyways? Lata Tai or Asha Ben?) ... Kaisa paap kiyaa" ... and head twist in shame and agony. Suman kitni sabhya ladki hai naa?

2:38 - What is that gaudy painting in the back?

Now that Handsu has finally been released, and the daft thing has no idea where its supposed to go, it would be a brilliant piece of direction if some generic accountant type could be driven to the same location as our hero, and if the pigeon would suddenly become smart enough to realize that he could ride in the back of the car. This movie, then, would go from being superb to spectacular.

And oh look - it happened within 10 seconds of my last comment.

Arre arre ... now that everyone is out of the house, just what in the world is this bhikhari ladki doing? Putting on all of Reema Laagooooo's ugly gold jewelery, and pairing it up with jhatak green stuff? Hmph - ehsaan-faraamosh type thing.

3:10 - Mummy ... can I also learn how to make that tie-n-dye vaali chunni?

3:15 - Ab this is confusing!! In this empty house, who is doing puja in the afternoon/evening or whatever random time this song has been shot at? The servants use the same puja-ghar or what? All the lamps are lit, there is heavy smoke from the agarbatti or the kapoor or whatever is burning ... oh wait, perhaps accountant chacha (coz these kind of people are always chachas or kakas or babus in Barjatya movies) jalaao-ed the jyoti before he left? Ya ... that must be it.

3:47 - Oohh .. special Fx. Grrrooovy, babyyy!!

3:57 - Look look - VW van!

3:58 - Umm .. that was a horrible brake! The driver needs to be fired. Accountant uncle ki buddhi haddiyon ka toh socho!!

And we reach the 4 minute mark. And the tune changes to something far more "funky" .. coz you know ... that's how we roll.

And look look - that servile langdu is following Sallu around like a lap dog. And Seema ji ko toh dekho ... looking so dazzling in her virginal tighty whities - we all know which "bhutta" you're really after, Seema!

Sidenote - if you dont know the movie by heart, the above joke was totally lost on you. Tch. End sidenote.

Ugly duckling (Sallu's baap) ka shot baad mein lena. Pehle check out Campa Cola. Mummmyyy .. I want.

See why Bhagu could not wear anything remotely sindoor-y when she was tealing clothes and etc. from the house? Kyuki full on red toh is apni Reema aunty. Just look at her - understanding her beta's dukh and dard at 4:18. Really - a mother always knows. And Reema, you will all agree, is the quintessential mummy.

4:20 - Oh HOW I wish someone would grab Handsome'e neck thinking him to be a glass of coconut juice or some such!!

4:22 - Blush-on ki dukaan these two are looking!

4:26 - Please excuse Sallu. His peripheral vision is completely blocked by the ansoos he is trying to hold back! ... and so he must wear his "gogs" to hide his pain. Err .. newsflash my dear .. that upturned mouth is fooling no one!!

.. and by the way ... why is it SO normal for a bird to be sitting right by the food at this party? How very unhygenic!!!

4:35 - Gold Spot!! Mummmyyyy ...

Also 4:35 - I see the pigeon to the left. Is that a cockatoo on Sallu's head?

4:46 - the only thing I can focus on is the umbrella!!

4:55 - What was that splash representing? I'm totally not going to go there. And do check out that very early example of product placement.

5:04 - Huh? Where'd everybody go all of a sudden? Or did he move to a different area of the park? But then why are there umbrellas and tables and shit there?

5:10 - Can NOW at least a dog come and grab the pigeon's neck?

Quiz - between 5:20 and 5:28, how many times did Sallu do a 360? .. Haah - no, it's not 2 - it's 3. Look closer!

5:37 - Rude Sallu has decided to quit the party and become a road-hog once more, it would appear. And look - poor Handsome is now being made to work for his keep. Ha ha .. serves him right .. the fat bird.

5:44 - Hainji ... Bhagu arrived in Vegas in the interim?

5:55 - Doesnt it look like someone launched Handsome from a cannon or something, and Bhagu had to catch him? I wonder how many takes did this take!

6:01 - Has Bhags been electrocuted?

6:06 - Oh My God - Ambassador and Fiat!! Memories ...

6:15 - My childhood has been a waste. My house did not have red disco lights in the drive-way. No wonder it always felt that the dance parties I threw had something missing. There's even one in the tree, as you will notice at 6:34.

6:19 - Is this music representing "Ab milan hoga" ??

Yes.

6:40 - Ewww. Voyeur uncle is getting his jollies on, no doubt.

6:45 - Are those apples? Is this meant to represent Original Sin?

6:50 - Sallu must have been thinking ... Dangg .. sooo close!

7:10 - Is Bhags trying to cover her aabroo with three apples? Talk about mixed metaphors!! Really - how do you like them apples?

7:15 - Hain!! Why has she become orgasmic without him even touching her? Just look at Sallu's face at 7:18. He's like .. what's wrong with this pavitra naari?

7:24 - Random jog. Pointless.

7:28 - Tyra would be so proud. Sallu is giving fierce Top Model face!

7:35 - Lights out. Follow her to the room and show her a bird of a totally different kind, Sallu!

From Nurse Jackie

2009-07-28T18:21:00.001-07:00

Make me good, God ... but not yet.

The Faerie Queene

2009-07-14T12:26:00.000-07:00

Sleepe after toyle, port after stormie seas,
Ease after warre, death after life, does greatly please.

- Edmund Spenser

Breaking news

2009-07-13T17:37:00.001-07:00

July 3rd, 2009

Insufferable bitch on plane dissatisfied with food options. World looks up, blinks, goes back to not caring.

In-flight entertainment

2009-07-13T17:27:00.000-07:00

July 3rd, 2009

Ugh - the plane does not have individual screens. And they're showing City of Ember or some such shit. Terrible doesn't even begin to describe it.

I have so much time to kill right now, seeing as how I'm not sleeping; and yet my mind is a complete blank. Well, not a "complete" blank - since I am writing this down. But couldn't this time be used far more productively (is that a word?) in thinking about life decisions? There certainly is more than enough for me to think about!

- How should I bring about the change I keep craving?
- Shall I apply for an MBA this year?
- When and how will I/should I get motivated to diet, exercise, take up French and piano once more?
- What about my plans to not be single by my birthday this year?
- Really, what do I want my career to be?
- Am I too bitchy?
- When will the idea for my latest story take form?
- Where is Waldo?

Ok - perhaps that last one isn't all that important.

This has happened earlier as well. I was driving alone from Cincinnati to Indianapolis to Chicago in Feb'06, and due to an accident (not my own!), was stuck in a traffic jam for about 5 hours. And during that entire time, I had no thoughts!! Well, that sounds strange. Let's just say that the one things I do remember from that time is a sardar family finally not being able to control any longer, and pee-ing on the side of the freeway!

Is that sad? No - not that they were taking care of business, but that I don't think as much as I should. I'm usually busy with stuff, but that's almost always me going with the flow rather than working towards a goal. It's almost like I'm doing stuff to keep myself occupied, rather than me being occupied because I have things to do. Does that sound strange? Perhaps.

I'll be thirty in 18 months. Aren't people usually "settled" by then, or at least know where and how they're going to ... or would like to ... end up?

Observation

2009-07-13T17:20:00.001-07:00

July 3rd, 2009

From the multitudes of people
To the spotless cleanliness

From the sheer size
To the ease of walking along

From the amazing giant hanging bell made out of Legos
To the hanging display of birds in flight made entirely out of small birds - all of them also in flight

From the beautiful art displays of marshes and nests
To the colorful walls highlighting many achievements in sport and film

From the humongous variety of food options
To the surprisingly delicious sushi (and California roll - hey, I have to stay loyal to my state, after all!)

From the hospitable people
To the inviting locations to park your derriere (I'm witting this while rocking myself on a white wooden chair, overlooking the entire runway)

From the kids' playing area
To the over-crowded wine bar

Can I just say how awesome is Philly airport! It totally gives the feeling of being proud of the city of which it is a part.

Ahoy, you scallywags

2009-07-13T17:18:00.000-07:00

July 3rd, 2009

Random air hostess quote: In case you need to store your luggage, there's space in the aft of the aircraft.

Hai Raam - ab toh forever single!

2009-07-13T17:07:00.000-07:00

July 3rd, 2009

So I went for a haircut last week. You know, to look all handsome (trivia - what was the real name of the pigeon in MPK? You got it - Handsome!!) for said vacation. Just a trim - nothing major.

And I looked down at the buzzed off hair, and saw - brace yourself, for the shock will be as great for you, dear reader, as it was for me - some strands of white hair!!!! *Insert appropriate cheekh of naahhiiiiiiiii*

Now people who know me may qualify this as me being overly dramatic. With a hurt expression on my face, I shall explain to them that unfortunately, I have taken my hair from my dad's side of the family, which means that I am destined to grow bald, not grey!! And so my shock, horror and disbelief at this double-cruelty (by mama Nature) was wholly justified.

Once I got home, I peered hard into the mirror, this time not even stopping to ask it if I indeed was the fairest of all in the land (my mirror is most honest - it always responds with a yes to said question!!), but thankfully did not see any white. Or for that matter, any balding.

My spirit soared at the thought that the light must have been reflecting in an unnatural manner at the hairdressers', which is what caused me to believe that my jet black hair was actually not so!!

My mood was still great as I went to LA a few days later to pick up my passport. I stayed at Half-O's place, where she used her phone and too this picture of the top of my head:

And single I shall remain.

The enthu to blog

2009-07-13T17:00:00.000-07:00

July 3rd, 2009

Here it is again - something that's happened multiple times before. I'm super enthu to blog right now - enough, in fact, to have brought along a copy and actually write all this down (handwriting analysis, anyone?) - yes, how very JK Rowling of me!! - since I didn't want to lug around my laptop.The trip has just started, and I plan to capture every delicious (and bland) moment in words. I'm writing away in the plane -

*Sidenote* WTF happened to my handwriting? I mean I never had "moti jaise akshar" (wait, did this expression come about due to a pet dog that looked like some letter(s) of the alphabet?), but I remember I used to write letters, specially in Chandrapur, and they used to be quite legible. Right now, I am afraid that a lot of this will never be transcribed on to the blog because I won't be able to decipher this garbage!! Obviously, after having used a computer for this long, I type faster than I write, but when I write fast (which is what I'm doing right now to keep up with the thoughts of my "tired" mind), it really is quite fugly. *End sidenote*

- even though I should be catching up on my beauty sleep!! Will this last once I meet up with the absolutely mad group of people I call my friends? Most likely not, but hopefully yes!

London calling

2009-07-13T16:34:00.000-07:00

July 3rd, 2009

I'm sitting in the plane, on my way to a trip I have been looking forward to since so long (since some 200 mails and 50+ hours of conference calls, actually), and while my excitement is building up with each passing moment, I cannot believe that I'm already feeling - jetlagged? No, that's not quite right. Tired, I think, would be more appropriate. Shouldn't this be the feeling at the end of the vacay? (Yes, that's short for vacation - I really am quite with it!). But no, the end of the trip does not get me tired, but leaves me instead with an exhaustion that I relish.

But coming back to how I'm currently feeling, I think it's just a residue of severe lack of sleep. I got home at about 8pm last night, was done packing by 10:30 (yes, I'm slow) and went to bed by 11.

11:53 - Piks calls.

Me: Hello (or an appropriate groggy grunt)
Piks: Oh ... you're sleeping?
Me: Yes.
Piks: Why?
Me (thinking): Can someone please kill him?
Me: Coz I have to wake up at 3.
Piks: Oh yeah!!
Me (about to say bye): ...
Piks: Achha listen, we have to change our Barca tickets, since AJ and Pinka are leaving for Scotland early.
Me (mumbling): Okkrrrr ...
Piks: Guess what time? 6am!! It'll be just you and me in London then.
Me (lying): Ok ... I'll wake up and get them changed.
Piks: Right. We should.
Me: Piks - NOW can I call you once I'm up?
Piks: Right right. Didn't want to disturb. See ya.

1:15am - Citicard Fraud Alert Warning!
2am - Sleep broken. Restless?
2:45am - New Flatmate's (NF's) message - I'll be there by 3:45am to drop you.
3am - Alarm.
3:01am - Fuck it. I'm waking up.

See what I mean by severe lack of sleep?

But that isn't even the point of the post! The point is that NF finally arrived at 4am (late as ever!), looking fresh as a frikkin daisy - well, a daisy that's gotten enough sunlight and water and whatever else it needs to look fresh. I've never really written about him, and this is not the time. But it must be said that he is 24, and without an off switch when it comes to partying. I've told him a number of times that I feel terribly old around his Energizer bunny ways!!

He had gone clubbing at about 9pm, and as I found out during the drive to the airport, had hit two clubs downtown, then gone to another one in a different area called PB, and was hanging out at his friend's place after the clubs closed at 2! He was now going to drop me off, and then drive up a 120 miles to LA to go see his family!

Honestly, I was exhausted just listening to him.

So I'm 28 now, and I guess that's why I say I don't have the energy to do all this on a weekly basis (for him, this is a "typical" Friday night), or ever, actually! But why is that? 28 is certainly not too old. As N would like to believe, we're all 18 (you know - 30 being the new 20 and all that ... in my case, is 30 the new 40?). But come to think of it, I've hardly ever partied like this - even when I was 18! Sure, there were instances, but they were quite few and far-between.

I guess I've always been a homeboy. Hopefully though, the vacation will be an excellent chance to change that - at least for the next eight days :)

I've got voice-mail

2009-06-16T18:34:00.000-07:00

I have only one voice message on my phone. I don't know why I've never deleted it. Probably because it's so gawar that I can't help but smile every time I listen to it. The person who left it is highly educated, very articulate, speaks extremely well (oh my God .. his head is going to explode reading this!!!) ... and yet, you couldn't find someone who can put on (or most likely, naturally have :D) a more LS tone.

It's quite difficult to truly get the essence of the message in writing (I'll probably tape it and put it up sometime in the future), but here it is, word for shady word :)

Namaskar gupta ji ... kya haal hai aapka? hum __ se __ jaa rahe thhey aur bore ho rahey thhey, toh humney socha ki apne manoranjan ke liye aapko phone ghumaya jaaye. Sir yeh kya ... aapne Shankar Mahadevan ki tarah ek hee breath mein apna saara voice message de daala hai ... aaraam se ... thoda saa saans lein ... pataa chala ki heart attack ke maare buddhey chal base ... par anyways mujhe call kar dena ... meri awaaz aur style se toh pehchaan hee gaye hoge ki yeh tumhara manpasand Chandni Chownk vaala dost hai. Chalo bhai ... namashkar ... tata.

Seriously, what sort of friends do I have??

Moo

2009-06-16T13:32:00.000-07:00

Some chick called into this show I was listening to on the radio while driving to work today morning, and this is the conversation that ensued:

Chick: Umm .. I've been with this guy for some time now, and things are going great. But I want to ask him ... where is this going?

RJ: Whoaa .. back up .. tell us about it.

Chick: Weeellll, we'be been out on 7 dates in the last 9 weeks. And he's a great guy. In fact, he didn't even kiss me on the first date ... till I let him.

RJ: That's being a gentleman. And how long have you known him?

Chick: Errr .. 9 weeks.

So I'm thinking ... what the hell is wrong with this woman? Nine weeks is just over 2 months. That hardly qualifies as "some time now"!!!! Why does it have to "go somewhere" in such a short time? Do all women think in this crazy way?

Apparently the RJ and I were on the same page.

RJ: That's not too long, is it? Why not give it time to develop? Have you guys had sex?

Chick: *nervous laugh* Yess .. hehhhehhh.

RJ: Well that's cool that's cool. When was that?

Chick: *matter of factly* On the first date.

RJ: *silence*

Me: WTF??

RJ: Aaah .. see, now that's something you didn't mention when you told us about him being a gentleman. Does this guy want to take things ahead?

Chick: That's what I don't know. I mean I know he likes me.

RJ: Sure sure. But you know what they say about buying the cow, right?

I cracked up!!

The Rubaiyat

2009-06-15T08:35:00.000-07:00

Why ponder thus the future to foresee,
and jade thy brain to vain perplexity?
Cast off thy care, leave Allah's plans to Him-
He formed them all without consulting thee.

- Omar Khayyam

I've got mail

2009-06-15T08:32:00.000-07:00

Text exchange with a friend (??) last night:

Him: Why haven't you updated your blog in ages? You know that's the only way I keep track of your life.

Me: Well, you could just call, you know.

Him: Yes, but then I would have to speak to you.

Perhaps I just don't get it

2009-05-29T04:37:00.000-07:00

It's quite funny. It reminds me of your blog, she said.

Now since Ka is someone with a rather refined sense of humour, I felt quite elated at the time. Right now - not so much.

But wait ... I seem to be getting ahead of myself.

In January of this year, I woke up in Gurgaon one morning, having spent the night at T's place. While T and S were still slumbering, I was sitting in aunty's room, chatting away with aunty, Ka and Ka's better half - Sands; when I happened to notice a white covered novel with random caricatures on it, and the catchy title of "Dilli Toh Pagal Hai".

What's this?, I asked, hoping to be able to steal another one of T's novels (I had "borrowed" "Are All Women Leg Spinners" once upon a time, but liked it enough to warrant never giving it back. Small sacrifice for him, considering the rubbish he has put me through, which includes but is not limited to stealing my money, hiding my shoes and convincing me to walk to the Principal's office in my socks and having it announced on the school's PA system, leaving me to walk through a highly foggy Delhi winter night in the middle of some Godforsaken colony, having me slapped by that idiot music teacher, made me lie to save his ass and etc.). Unfortunately, it belonged to the always sweet (to me) and ever-satark (as in cautious) Ka, who went on to explain that it was a collection of short stories, essays rather, about Delhi ... and that *insert first line here after converting to past tense*.

I puffed up my chest and resembling a cockatoo more than ever (my hair does really strange things when I wake up), let out on articulate "Oh really" (no wonder I'm such an accomplished writer!). I would have gone on to read a bit of it (and saved myself the ... no no G, keep them guessing ... long post long post), but just at that moment came a harpy-ish wail of "Mummmaaaa breakfasssst". It's up, we all exclaimed together, and braced ourselves for T. But that's another tale for a different time.

The thought of DTPH remained with me for two reasons - I absolutely adore anything (specially anything funny) being written/directed/made about Delhi, and two - like a white cat under a villain's ring-ed palm, my ego had been stroked. Purrr indeed.

So as it happened, I found myself in South Ex one evening, and walked into Tekson's (does it have an apostrophe?) bookshop ... and sure enough, there it was - displayed front and center - Dilli Toh Pagal Hai. Rs. 195, said the flourescent sticker. Hmm ... must be worth it, I thought. Picking it up, I walked over to the cashier - some totally daft woman who was more interested in giggling over the telephone than serving paying customers. Polite boy that I am, I waited. She looked up all of a sudden, gave me an annoyed look for having disturbed her (I am sure) idiotic conversation (but please note - she was still very much on the bloody phone), and held out her hand. I gave her the book, 200 rupees, and a big fat zero in customer care. Needless to say, my smile had been replaced with scorn and disgust - two emotions which, I am told, I do not have difficulty displaying. As if!! ... anyhow, she put the book in a bag (chalo, at least some basic sense - or it could simply have been a Pavlovian reaction. Whatever.) along with my bill, and handed the bag to me. And looked away!!!! Dumb bitch. I did not budge a frikkin inch, and in my most contemptuous voice, asked - WHERE IS THE CHANGE? She looked up again, clearly confused at having been unable to complete her simplistic simian duties, looked at something on her screen (I presume it was the bill), and gave me a 5 rupee coin. I sincerely hope she was not talking to her future husband, for I feel I would have done another human a grave disservice indeed at not having informed him that he was about to marry someone with an IQ of minus 8 billion.

As I was saying ... I bought the book, and left.

I read the very first story (The ABC of D(elhi) - what a smart title) in the auto on my way back home. And remember chuckling away, since Shivjeet Kullar was indeed quite funny. Yes yes, I said to myself - what he writes is certainly true. What an astute observer. Ha ha. Or was it one of those laughs that you force out of yourself because you expect something to be funny? You know - kind of like how a dish HAS to be tasty just because some famous chef prepared it. Welcome to Gordon Ramsey's restaurant - Trotters, anyone? So I was amused, but forgot all about the book once I tucked myself into bed at night and picked up Asimov to finish the third of the Foundation novels. Which, by the way, are brilliant!!! And DTPH rested on the side table, and made its way back to San Diego with me at the end of my vacation. And then hung out with the other books in my highly messy bookcase. (How very LOTR this sounds!)

Until today.

Sidenote - will I ever get to the point? Yes ... now. End sidenote.

Today being the day that I caught the red eye to the east coast. And having a serious dearth of reading material, picked up City of Djinns (which I hope to finally finish reading) and the novel around which this tale is being spun.

You will go mad with laughter - proclaimed the publisher. Beware, you'll fall off your balcony laughing - said one reviewer. You cannot live in Delhi and not read this book - said another. Aah, a good time is going to be had - said I. The lady sitting next to me surreptitiously glanced at the novel, wondering (no doubt) whether I was about to start reading Letters to Penthouse or some such. How silly. If that had been the case, I obviously would have said - Aah, a jolly good time is going to be had.

And I moved on to story two - ABC of Punjabis. Umm .. ok. Kinda like the first one, but I'm sure it's going to get better. A to Z of Punjabis was followed by something called Arey Mainoo Bhi Karna Hai!, Kabhi Affair Mat Kehna, and Mine Is Bigger Than Yours. I read on, and kept waiting ... waiting for an end that wouldn't come ... ooh, see what I did there? ... I took that famous line (haan it is famous) from Titanic and used it in a totally different context. Literary genius I am. Well the end didn't come because I read some more and then decided to blog about it, there-by never getting to the last story, but what I was going to say did not come was the laughter. Or even a smile. Admittedly, there were a couple of lines that were funny - but I would still have been very much sane and alive even if I was sitting on the ledge of my balcony and reading this book.

I understood what he was trying to do here - take incidents that we all see on a daily basis in Delhi, and put a hilarious spin on them. Except for the hilarious part. Or the spin. He just ended up stating the obvious - as if he was someone remotely funny ranting to himself. Or on a blog.

Uh oh.

See why the afore-mentioned elation at Ka's comment evaporated?

But I'm not someone who writes for a newspaper, and my columns have not been converted into a supposedly highly funny book. (Jealous much?). But I paid almost 200 rupees for this, and I wanted my money's worth. Which, I am sorry to say, I most certainly did not get. Now I must agree that a few stories I read were indeed quite touching. But I did not want to read Chicken Soup for the Delhi-ites Soul. I paid for a book to make me laugh, and it did not keep its promise. Which obviously makes me feel cheated. To me, his humour was childish at best. Allow me to give you a couple of examples (I'll pick the "poems" since the stories will take a little bit to type):

Page 25: The Bootiful Mrs. Khanna-ji

This is Mrs. Khanna, she'll make you dance to her tune
She rarely ever smiles, maybe once in a blue moon
Many years ago, she looked quite hot
Now when he hubby sees what he's got
He wonders how on earth someone blew her up like a balloon

Page 48: The Happy Gay Designer

Meet Anshu the designer - so happy and gay
Always smelling so nice - be it night or day
His clothes are so very posh
As he says, 'Oh dear' or 'Oh gosh'
And he parties every night - be it December or May

What ... the fuck??

I have put the book away now, and do not plan to get to it again. Ever. If any of you are interested, let me know and I will be happy to let you borrow it. It certainly is not worth buying.

Wait ... am I Enya?

2009-05-15T22:48:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, a girl broke my heart.

Wow ... even as I write this, it seems so corny ... not because it didn't hurt at the time (it actually did - and I went out and got drunk and then bitched about her to with my friends, and then felt even worse!), but because it seems like such ancient history, specially since she and I are, and have been, once again friends for some time now.

But really, the point of this post is not to talk about her or about what happened (not entirely, at least). It's to talk about time. And how it really does ... I don't want to use the word "heal" ... allow you to move on.

To move on, and reach a point (of course, after going through a whole range of feelings - sadness, anger, confusion, indifference ... and a return to normalcy?) where you no longer have to be sad and/or bitter about things having gone sour, and can instead finally be at a place where you can once again be friends with the person, even though the friendship you once shared has inherently changed. I don't mean that things have become either better or worse, they're just ... different. And different does not always have to mean bad.

You have lost the awkwardness that inherently creeps in when you want to say so much, but cannot; and instead remember the reasons why you were fond of someone. And you feel that you have grown ... have become more sensible ... and are ready for a new beginning. One which may not have the same end as you once thought was destined to be, but which allows you to be yourself once more. Perhaps a more guarded self, but yourself nevertheless. And you can laugh once again. At yourself. At them. With them.

And all it took ... was time.

Current mood

2009-05-14T20:25:00.001-07:00

Dream
Send me a sign
Turn back the clock
Give me some time
I need to break out
And make a new name
Let's open our eyes
To the brand new day
It's a brand new day

- Ryan Star

The Seven Cs ...

2009-05-13T00:25:00.000-07:00

... of Shinok's visit to SD:

Convivial
Cogitative
Catty
Communicative
Cerebral
Confusing
Curtate

Engineers are crazy

2009-05-05T09:38:00.000-07:00

Why in the world do people not think before they open their mouth? Yes yes, of course I am very much at the top of this list. I present - Exhibits A through D ...

(A) The VPs team has a party with food, beer and champagne, after which there is a lot of food left over, so everyone's taking some home. The (portly) director seems to have loaded a big tray with a ton of stuff, and as he's walking out, the following conversation ensues:

Dept. Secretary: Director, who is this for?
Director: Hehheh, doggy bag!
Me (slightly tipsy, I guess): Oh God ... how big is your doggy?

(B) This high up manager is talking to this another high up manager (In India), about how Indian Manager and this woman engineer need to sync-up and align their ideas and then give us all a joint report.

Manager: I think she and you should hook up and let us know how it went.
India Manager: Yes, we'll get together tomorrow and have some results soon.
Me (thinking): So ... 9 months from tomorrow would be ...

(C) I had taken my intern out for lunch the other day, and we were generally talking about family and stuff after he told me that his mom was visiting from Korea. I knew he was married, so I just happened to say:

Me: So, do you have kids?
Intern: No, but I'm trying very hard!!

(D) Now a cardinal rule of male restroom etiquette (hah .. in your face, Miss Manners!) is that you absolutely do not talk. You step in, you avoid as much eye contact as you can, you go about your biznazz, you shake it no more than three times (any more and you're playing with it), you wash your hands, and you leave. It's all a highly simple process, with no room for conversation.

So I'm in the process of answering Mama Nature's call, and standing next to me is this dude (yes .. how creepy!!), and in walks his boss ... brace yourself now ... not to pee, but to talk before they both head on over to the same meeting!! WTF??

Boss: Creepy dude, do you have the data for XYZ study?
Creepy McSmiley: Yes, it looks good.
Boss: Can I see it?
Me (thinking): Umm ... is he still asking about the data?

I mean seriously, how can anyone blame me for not being able to concentrate at work?!?

Dear Diary - Day 1

2009-05-01T23:39:00.000-07:00

My memory isn't what it used to be.

Isn't this something people over 45 should be saying? But it's been happening to me more than I would like over the past few days. I'd be in the middle of doing something, and I'll suddenly think about doing something different, and then in two seconds flat, I'd have no idea what that was!! WTF!!!

As I grow older, I'm obviously going to get more and more forgetful. And then this day will come, when I'll be sitting on the porch of my house in the Hamptons (take that, Chet!! :D) and I would say to myself ... Hmm, what was I doing on the 1st day of May in the year 2009? And I would smile benignly, recalling that that was the day I decided to start blogging every single day, and would hence have a record of all the wonderful things that have been a part of my life for so many years!

Sidenote - Now if this isn't a wonderful plan, I don't know what is. But as dear N would agree, my best laid plans .. and etc! - End sidenote

And so I would think of this day, and would read about two things ... one - how I've slowed down at work, and two - how it sucks to be single on an evening as romantic as this one. And my ever ~~prying~~ inquisitive mind would wonder why I wrote such things, and luckily there would be more to read (I mean how cool am I - planning for my future pass times in this manner!!! - rhetorical question - no reply necessary in the comments, please!!).

The slowing down at work has happened quite literally, actually - I still work my butt off every single day, but I don't kill myself doing it. I have stopped feeling guilty if ever I reach work past 9:30am, and I make it a point to leave no later than 7 in the evening. I still check my mail over the weekends, but I don't care to respond or to go into work to get stuff done. I know I'll still spend long hours when there is a tapeout due, but that's going to be the exception rather than the rule. Now I haven't really examined whether I'm doing this because I'm sick of my job, because I crave a change, or simply because I've realized that work is always going to be there - but I do know that I'm happier and much less stressed out. And shouldn't that be reason enough?

What would have made this free time in the evenings even better would have been having someone to share it with (or, as GMAT would teach us, having someone with whom to share it .. what-evaah!!) ... specially today evening. The weather is just phenomenal - it's breezy without being cold - the kind of night that would make you want to sit on your porch and ... and read a blog you had written many years back (oooh ... what spooky foreshadowing this is .. future me is going to totally freak!!), or perhaps go for a long walk, or sit on the stone down at La Jolla shores and look out into the sea - staring at nothing ... hearing the tumultuousness of the waves around you, and still feeling completely at peace - it's the kind of night that makes me wish I was at some particular points of time in my past - times that made me truly happy - when life was much less complicated, and I was young (well .. young-er, anyways) .. and different.

And then a similar breeze would blow, and I would look up from my laptop (or whatever contraption I would be using at the time to read this), smile, and realize that my career choice to write soppy romance novels was indeed the right one.

An idea is all it takes

2009-04-05T23:20:00.000-07:00

Apparently, Spring has sprung.

Or so I was informed by N, after he had returned from his run (aarrghh .. curses!! .. specially when all I have done this weekend is stuff my already rotund self). But what made me actually pay attention was the fact that the run, while being healthy, had also been life-altering. I uttered by usual OMG (something I have been using a lot of lately .. apparently I have regressed to being a tween - perhaps it is now time to get those Miley and Jonas brothers' posters?), and braced myself to hear what should have been a most interesting story. Obviously, since that is what life-altering stories are supposed to be.

Unfortunately, N hadn't received the memo.

Well, I must clarify. While the moment he had had had (the three hads work - read them as they're supposed to be read!!) indeed been epiphanous, the run in itself had not been life-altering per se. But what N was gracious enough to share with me, and which I now share with you, was the fact that there is more to life than "this". I agreed with him whole-heartedly, upon which time followed a discussion on achieving "that", and the plan N had in mind.

Now I shall not get into the plan (mostly because by the time we talked about the modalities of it being put into actual operation, it was concluded that my initial understanding of it was somewhat misguided - which was most likely due to the plan still being thought of in my mind as being life-altering - and what I thought would make N take up Buddhism was actually seen by him to be a week long vacation in Austria and/or Rome), but it would suffice to say that we jointly figured that corporate life and current responsibilities would not allow him (or me, since we both have a tendency to make all mutual talks about our own selves - I was just following protocol, really!) to actually "alter his life".

However, N was in a more buoyant mood than usual (which made him even more endearing, since he is anyways so happy and cheerful <-- customary line put in so that my stay at Hotel A is still comped whenever I visit NYC :-D), and as he munched on some Apple Chips for the very first time in his life, he proposed the idea of doing just that.

No, not of munching on apple chips. But of doing so for the first time in life.

I took an instant liking to this idea, and it was decided that ... hold your breath .. this truly could be life-changing!!! ... both he and I would, from today, start doing at-least one thing every week, which we have never ever done in our life.

Think about this for a minute. It doesn't have to be anything grand. In fact, something as simple as trying out a new food item would do. But by the end of a year (an year?), each of us would have tried out a minimum of 52 new things!! Now folks, if that doesn't add new dimensions to one's life, I don't know what does. See - it already changed my life by giving me some fodder for what is by now an all but abandoned blog.

So we've decided to discuss our one new thing every Sunday evening, which means that you should expect a new post pretty much every Sunday night (oh .. DO control your glee!!). Of course, it is totally possible that N would not like me to write about his personal life on my blog. Which is why I have been reading "Playing to a dummys ego ... for dummies". That should take care of that problem.

By the by, for the few of you who still haunt this joint, feel free to join in and try something new yourself. And while I've never really cared about comments on my posts, it would be nice if you would leave us (N and I ... since this is his idea, after all) a note telling us what you did.

Who knows, it might be something neither of us has tried before!!

Dear March ...

2009-03-25T16:48:00.000-07:00

Please end already. I am totally done with you.

For her

2009-03-23T03:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was upset about a broken laptop and the possibility of losing a ton of data.

Today, one of my most favourite people in the world is sadder than she has ever been.

I would gladly suffer a thousand broken laptops for God to give her the strength and peace she deserves.

:'(

So, how's it going?

2009-02-25T23:38:00.000-08:00

Ok, first things first - fundamentally, nothing has changed. And frankly, I don't expect it to. The big picture (whatever the heck that is!) is going to remain the same, and there is a reason for that.

Oh, by the way - sidenote - any one who knows me even remotely well knows that I am for the most part an unemotional twat. But they would also know (and now, so do you!! ... oh joy) that I have a hard time letting things go. I always obsess about the small stuff in life, and hence it is obviously going to be the little things that I am going to continue to miss for a bit. Yes, not only do I have commitment issues, I also have separation anxiety. My God ... I almost sound like a psycho Urmila from that movie she was in with that Tipu Sultan's son (whose name I cannot recall and who, incidentally, is quite Fugly, don't you think? ... the son, not Tipu). But, I digress.

So, coming back to le grande image ... the flatmate (who, on this blog, shall forever be known as the flatmate) moved out not because he got sick of me (though that is a highly probable reason ... HAHAHA ... as if!!) - even though that was postulated by dear KK - but because he is taking the next big step in his life. No no no, he isn't getting a sex change operation or anything - he is ... *drumroll* ... getting married!!

For those of you who thought he was married to me and I have either taken to the bottle and/or gone to a mandir and bajao-ed the ghantis in front of the bhagwaan ki murti, saying "Mere saath aisa anyaya kyuuuu?", I would like to clarify that while you are completely incorrect, you are not entirely alone, as evident from N's and Chet's (catty) remarks.

N: You realize he's been your longest relationship till date, don't you?

Chet: I hope you are not sending a dead rabbit to the newly weds!!! Like fatal attraction...Lol...I so think you should ask for alimony??? :) hehe .. Btw, in addition to the alimony, I also think you are entitled to 10 - 15 % of the bride's dowry !!! How else are we going to cover your rehab costs?? :)

Yenyways, as I was saying - the major things won't change ...

Another sidenote - I had a long argument with my officemate (the slurpy Chinese) today about how relationships between friends do not have to take a turn for the worse once they get married. His contention was that there is no other way for them to go. I countered by telling him that he didn't know what the hell he was talking about, and then proceeded to tell him about T and S and the fun I always have with both of them, at which point he shut up - which could have been because he realized I was right, but was most likely because my stories went on for about 20 minutes, by which time he must have forgotten the point he was trying to make. In either case, that showed him! Hmph. - end sidenote.

... And the reason I am quite certain of this is because while I was never looking for a BFF (I'm using these cool acronyms now - N tells me it's what all the hipsters are into!! ... yes, surprise surprise that he should know!!) in my roomie, by some twist of fate I managed to find one. I've always been closest to my friends from school, and they're kind of the yardstick against whom I compare all my other friendships (I told you I'm weird with my commitment issues!). And the flatmate is most certainly up there with my nearest and dearest school pals.

Now I'm not going to get into how we got to where we are and all that nostalgia (remember the part about me being unemotional?), but suffice to say that he has been the one person here who knows more about me than any one else (even after I found and removed the hidden cameras he had put in my room!! ... ok he didn't - this was a cheap attempt at sabotaging the marriage, since I recently found out that Mrs. Flatmate - I need to come up with a better name for her! - reads my blog as well. Ughh ... that frikkin separation anxiety once more .. sheesh.), and still continues to be my friend. And that is all that needs to be said on the subject. For now.

But since I have gone on for quite a few paragraphs without getting to the point of the post (perhaps I should look into a career as a politician?), here it is:

While I don't feel alone even after him having moved out ... which is mainly because I have gotten myself a new flatmate - let's call him NF for now - and who, thank the Lord, is highly normal and fun ... things feel different in the sense of them being missing. Here's what I've noticed thus far. (Yayyy ... list time)

- The kitchen light is not on in the morning, and the coffee stain from the spoon is not on the counter.
- The smell of agarbatti is missing as I head out to work.
- There isn't a guitar strumming somewhere far-away (I had learnt to block out the sound such that it didn't seem to be coming from the next room :D)
- I can no longer spot the blue Altima when I look for it in the usual places.
- Star Trek isn't playing when I enter the house in the evening.
- He's still available to hear me rant about the crap I have had to put up with during the day, but not in person. (My God ... I do sound married!!)
- I haven't snapped my fingers and said ... What To Dyuuuu or Whuuts The Plan ... in some days.
- The dishwasher hasn't been loaded as if it's been done by someone with no sense of symmetry (he's going to kill me when he reads this!!)
- The ridiculous imitations and random quotes he's used to doing and saying, but which always crack me up.

Well, so that's how it's going for now. Not too bad for three days, right?

This isn't goodbye, right?

2009-02-22T23:35:00.000-08:00

I read someplace that if we continue an activity for 21 consecutive days, we become accustomed to it.

The flatmate moved out today.

I had stayed with him for 1512 days.

Oye ... what a memory!

2009-02-18T23:24:00.000-08:00

For some reason, I suddenly remembered this one song we used to sing in school. Come to think of it, it's rather apt for my life at the moment. Then again, it probably would be the same for any time in anyones' life, wouldn't it?

Yes, I have typed the whole thing in Hindi font, hence proving once again (not that universal truths need proof) that I am highly super cool.

I totally remember the tune as well. In fact, I can almost see Mrs. Garg's hand go in that chop-chop-chop motion as she directed all the kids to keep pace with the harmonium.

Sing along!!!

ये वक्त ना ठहेरा हॅ

ये वक्त ना ठहेरा हॅ
ये वक्त ना ठहेरेगा
यू हीं ये गुजर जाऐगा
घबराना कॅसा?
हिम्मत से काम लेंगे
घबराना कॅसा?

सागर के सीने से
पाऐ हैं जब मोती
कभी लहरैं आ जाऐं
घबराना कॅसा?
हिम्मत से काम लेंगे
घबराना कॅसा?

ये महक गुलाबौं की
महकाती है गुलशन
कांटा कभी लग जाए
घबराना कॅसा?
हिम्मत से काम लेंगे
घबराना कॅसा?

ये सुख दुख जीवन में
आते और जाते हैं
दुख पहले आ जाए
घबराना कॅसा?
हिम्मत से काम लेंगे
घबराना कॅसा?

Sighh ... nostalgia!

Nine things I haven't done in a long time ...

2009-02-18T15:52:00.001-08:00

... where long time implies a period of roughly three years.

1. Written an actual letter - using pen and paper.

2. Cry.

3. Gone on a proper roadtrip.

4. Thrown a surprise party for a friend.

5. Had a major fight.

6. Jumped about in heavy rain.

7. Had a staring contest.

8. Made someone cry - at least I hope not!

9. Been in a relationship.

Speaking of cobwebs ...

2009-02-13T22:48:00.000-08:00

Did Chimpoo return this morning? I thought so. I happened to look up (why the hell am I always looking around while taking a shower?? ... I think I should never have watched Psycho!!), and there was a little black blob on the side wall. Now I obviously could not make out whether the spider had girly or boy bits, so it could just as easily have been Charulata. But it was most certainly staring down at me. Such fun ... a new friend ... perhaps this one would turn out to be a tarantula, I hoped once more.

And then s/he started to walk up the wall. Trot trot trot, it went. Even though I had overslept and was already running late for work, I continued to observe the spider even as that nursery rhyme sprang to my mind (I do hope you will sing along!) ...

Itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout ...
Down came the rain ...

And I splashed a ton of water on the little thing and watched it slip down the drain.

The end.

Dusting the cobwebs

2009-01-31T20:31:00.000-08:00

The flatmate came up with this idea the other day; and I just had to make a cartoon out of it. I think it is now time for us to go into the very lucrative business of childrens' books!

I'm not a horrible person .. I think

2008-10-27T13:59:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry ... really ... but I just find this too funny, and while I try not to post videos, this one needs to be here so I can find it whenever I want ...

Girlfriend's "meat and potatoes" ass did her in!!

Haanji, single

2008-10-17T11:30:00.000-07:00

As I was standing behind this senior staff engineer (two levels above me - I'm a senior engineer now .. woohoo!!) in the break room this morning, waiting for him to get done with toasting his breakfast and allowing me to grab a glass for water, he turned slowly around, gave me a (in retrospect) rather creepy half-smile, and asked in a (in retrospect) sultry siren-ish tone - Are you single ?

Now since I was not quite sure whether he was making a pass at me (I was looking quite spiffy in my formal clothes, after all - I had just come back from my high school teaching duties - another story ... another time), or simply making conversation since Americans seem to find silence quite constricting and must fill it with totally inane "polite" remarks, I refrained from giving him a highly contemptuous look and saying "Ughh, you're totally not my type", and instead smiled politely and said, "yes, very very single". Once again, in retrospect, a simple yes should have sufficed .. what if I gave him ideas ?!?!!

He nodded serenely, and went back to spreading cream cheese on his bagel, which thankfully had popped out at the right time. Hoping I did not come across as being interested in his good self, I quickly remarked - "You're married, right?" ... he sigh-ed, ho-hum-ed and nodded. Then turned around once more, and inquired about my age. After learning that I was (a sprightly?) 28, he said - "Enjoy your freedom" ... and walked away, quite ready, I am certain, to make love to his bagel. By eating it. Such a gutter minded readership I have!!

Which now brings me to the point of the post. Why have I heard so many married people use that expression ? Why in the world are you not "free" once you're married and/or committed ? I get the whole ball and chain bit, I really do ... but you're still free, aren't you ? I guess you have to think about someone besides yourself, which hopefully you'd want to. And in any case, single people aren't all that self centered. We still live in and interact with the rest of the world, and we do think and care about our friends and family, sometimes doing stuff we may not want to.

The flatmate and I have noticed on more than one occasion that a lot of married people look so .. dull .. depressed .. when they're in restaurants together. And these aren't even people who seem to have been married a long time .. they're young couples ... silently eating their food, sometimes not exchanging a single word the entire time. Now of course they might be going through some difficult times, or they might have taken a maun-vrat that day, or maybe they speak different languages ... but we've observed this far too often. It's strange to me ... have you already run out of stuff to say to each other in a few years time ? And then having to live with the same person ... presumably forever ?? Wow ... now that would be quite prison-ish!!!

Accidents Will Happen

2008-08-29T11:28:00.000-07:00

I never expected for this to come about. Well, that isn't entirely true. I understood the risk I was taking when I set out to create it. But I always took the necessary precautions. And yet, things went wrong. I thought I was safe ... clearly, not safe enough.

My reasons behind fashioning the weapon seem unimportant now. It started out as an experimental technique, which blew out of proportion.

Haah ... blew out of proportion, indeed.

And now I walk, all alone, surrounded by this swarm of humanity. People think that death is like an end, when it is in fact just another form of life. I still feel pain, and hurt, and strangely, cold. I am still here.

And yet, I am not.

They pass through me, without realizing my presence. I yearn to talk, to be heard ... if only for a moment. But I know that will no longer happpen.

Such were my thoughts when I saw her. Our eyes met, she looked past me, and then ... looked back. I knew that face. She was in the same facility as I. And I saw a flicker of recognition register itself on her countenance.

I knew she had no part to play in all of this, but for being an uncomprehending worker in the building, and felt I owed her an apology. I walked up to her, and said ...

I'm sorry that we died. It was my fault.

Her eyes told me she knew more that I did. She smiled, a sad smile, and replied ...

We didn't.

Ouch!

2008-08-08T13:40:00.000-07:00

This colleague at work was telling me about his kidney stone removal operation that happened last month (trust me, you - specially guys- do not want to know the details!!!), which got me thinking once again about that non-answerable question (well, apart from "What is the taste of cyanide?") ...

Which is more painful - a guy being kicked in the groin, or child birth ?

Perhaps (s)he would know ?

Phir se single

2008-08-06T09:57:00.000-07:00

I am sad this morning.

After over two and half years of being together, she left me last night. No reason. No explanation. No last look. Not even a wave goodbye. She just went away.

We met just before Christmas of '05; thanks to a friend of mine who knew I was into her ... I refrain from using the words "wanted her" because that would sound a bit desperate and creepy. Anyhow, we were introduced, and I knew right away that she was the one for me. Even though most of my friends did not feel the same, and some of whom even told me so (GG, no ... you don't look good together!!), I was smitten. Whether liked or not, she certainly did catch peoples' attention, that's for sure.

She and I spent a lot of time together ... in fact, we were only apart when I was at work, and sometimes not even then. She wasn't the prettiest, or the smartest, or even someone who provided me a constant sense of comfort. But she and I were close ... the kind of closeness that arises out of familiarity. I think I am missing her more because I had gotten used to her. Sometimes, I would be touching her, holding her ... without even realizing it.

And now she has gone. And I ... am sad.

Goodbye, my darling thumb ring ... you will not be easily replaced.

*Update* (1 hour after writing the post): Hallelujah ... she's back!

Grannie speaks

2008-08-02T23:17:00.001-07:00

Hello, young tots. This is GG, your gram-gram. It is about 11:20 pm on Saturday night, and I have tucked myself into bed after having taken a shower and brushing my teeth. Since the weather is quite warm as it is, I have not bothered with a hot-water bottle. I have dined on a delicious sandwich from Subway, and have put the second load of laundry to dry. I have also read my book for a bit. The fan now hums slowly and I get comfortable, and begin to write.

Yes I know ... I should kill myself. I will be 28 in four months, and I am already such an old lady!!!

The flatmate and Captain Nimmo have gone off to OC to attend a desi singles mixer event called "Nasha Nites" (I shall certainly not make fun of the name, mainly due to the name of the event I attended some time back), and while they were supposed to be back by 11pm so that we could all go out and they could fill me in with the details over drinks (a sad attempt by me to salvage my weekend, I guess!), I spoke to the flatmate an hour back and they weren't even going to start driving back till about 11:30 or so!! By the by, the flatmate was also out last night, while I once again chose to stay at home even though I was invited ... of course, that was because I would not have been back from the gym (yes, you read that right - the gym - more on that later) in time to make it. Incidentally, dear N has also been partying away in NYC tonight ... he called me on his way back home - at 1:20 am!

God ... when was the last time I got off my ass and went out ? Oh yes, that would have been last week, when Chet forced me to go see Mama Mia!! (I was quite scared that an invite to "The Sisterhood of the traveling pants" would come this week!) To his credit, he did suggest we leave when I looked at him for the third time and told him that I was going to kill him, just as Meryl Streep finished her spasmodic gestures after the title song. Then again, that could have been because I looked ready to walk out, and since I had driven, I had the option to leave ... and he would have had to trudge back home! Oh, while we're on the topic of driving and grandmas, he (and he is going to kill me if he ever reads this) drives like one. You know you're a slow driver when doddering Chinese ladies honk at you, shouting "Get off the road, you old hag" !!! (Chet ... you know I'm kidding, right? ... can I please still crash at your place in the city once you move to Manhattan? :D). Well, we got out, and talked about random stuff for a bit, a large part of which was the whole "growing up" bit. Is it really time to settle down now ?

Anyhow, so that's the deal with my social life ... or lack of it there-of. In other news, I started to go to the gym once again since yesterday. The reason ? Well, I shall list it out here exactly as I told both N and Canucki (neither of whom seemed to have been the least bit interested ... hmph .. witless wonders) - essentially, the Government of India sent me a letter declaring me to be a monument of historical significance, and after I had spent a long time clarifying how I was in fact not the Elephanta caves, I decided to hit the gym. But seriously, if my mid section gets any bigger, I swear a moon will start revolving around it. Plus I will be in NYC in 12 weeks, which should be just enough time to do something about my corpulence! There isn't any relation, but just gives me a date to work towards.

Speaking of dates (the calendar kinds, not the wine and dine ones - which reminds me, it has been absolute ages since I went on one!! Kya zindagi hai.), my GMAT date is fast approaching, and as suspected, I have not done enough to prepare. Ughh ... why do I always end up procrastinating ? I have one month to go ... and I know that if I really get down to it, that would be sufficient time to finish up my preparation, and look up some college information ... but will I ?

I certainly hope I do ... a reason for it to possibly not have happened would have been my joining facebook a couple of days back (after B goaded me endlessly. Ok fine - told me a couple of times, but she used her chaeeeen type voice!) and spending all my free time being voyeuristic, but perhaps either because I have joined the bandwagon about eight months too late, or because I am just not inclined enough to fill out my profile and write on peoples' "walls", I doubt that that will prove to be a distraction. Which is good, coz God knows it doesn't take much to take me away from being productive.

So that's that for now. Hopefully I shall wake up bright and early tomorrow morning, full of energy and a desire to get things done ... will bound out of bed, get ready, make a hearty breakfast, and study for a few hours before lunch. I have a small drama thing to go for at 4, which should last a couple of hours, at which time I shall go and exercise. A delicious dinner will follow another couple of hours of studying, at which time I shall go to bed - happy, content and satisfied.

Or I'll wake up at about 9, dawdle around till about 1, curse myself for having wasted the day, decide it isn't worthwhile doing anything effectual since I anyways have a drama thing at 4, following which I will be too tired to do anything but go and eat some high calorie food, and will then sit in my papasan chair and stare at the TV till it's time for me to go and drop on to my bed after having had such a tiring day!

Oh Lord ... I think I know which plan is going to be followed.

Crap.

Zen from sitcoms

2008-07-29T10:21:00.000-07:00

I was watching "The Golden Girls" while eating my cereal this morning (yes, I think it's funny. Certainly infinitely better than Jerry Springer, which was my 7-minute passtime a few years back), when this dialogue made me think (an act, as those who know me would attest to, that rarely happens) ...

Sophia (who is about 90+): I've decided I'm going to do something with my life. I think I'll go to law school.
Dorothy (mockingly): But maa, you'll be 96 by the time you get out!
Sophia: So what ? I'll be 96 anyway.

Hmm ...

Never a dull moment

2008-07-24T21:55:00.000-07:00

Observe - the goings-on in a one hour lunch meeting:

- The speaker is prattling on and on. Seriously, no one is really interested. Everyone is there for lunch, which is yet to arrive, and so there is a large amount of fidgeting going on. In walks this dude who just happens to be the Director, ignores the poor girl who is trying to explain the concepts of some research she has done (yes, I wasn't listening either ... I was busy reading the news), and loudly asks ... "WHATTT ?? NO LUNCH !!??!!"

- While I am in the middle of replying to some mails, I am constantly being interrupted by this *tikk* *tikk* kinda noise. I finally look up, only to see this woman in front of me busily clipping her frikkin nails, completely oblivious to the fact that not only is that highly impolite, but is grossly gross!!!

- Finally, lunch arrives ... and the poor speaker is all but forgotten. There is a mad rush to grab a box (I was the picture of decorum at this time, since the floor clerk - who likes me a lot ... coz I'm a wonderful person - informed me that she was just going to pick up some more boxes), which takes about 10 minutes or so; during which time the silly presenter is still boring all and sundry. Thankfully, someone picked up a box for her.

- To my right is this person who has a highly irritating laugh. It's really hard to describe ... firstly, it's not a "heh heh heh" or a "ho ho ho" or even a "ha ha ha" ... it's more of a "heehaw haawhee snort" kinda thing ... and second, he always laughs unnecessarily (Oh he is not here today because of a doctor's appointment ... heehaw hawhee snort), which bugs me even more. I think I have given him this look of "oh shut the fuck up that's not funny" many times, but I guess it gets buried in my sugary smile (yes I'm highly fake at work!), or perhaps he's totally dense. In any case, he turns to me, and points to the label on his box, enquiring what it says since he is apparently unable to read cursive writing! I decide to show off my extensive knowledge of "world food" and inform him that it's a chicken tamale. He stares at the box for a second, turns to me, "laughs" ... and says ... "Oooo, I thought it was female" !!!! I swear it took all my strength to keep from punching him.

What the hell is wrong with engineers?

A Deed Most Foul

2008-07-22T23:13:00.001-07:00

The inspector looked up from his desk. The door opened before he could speak, and in entered his most trusted detective.

"I can tell you've brought me bad news, Detective," the inspector spoke, signing a paper as he did.

"Unfortunately so, Sir," the detective replied. "Our findings are conclusive. It is as you suspected."

"You sure about this?"

"The evidence, Sir, is incontrovertible."

"I was afraid of that," sighed the inspector. "This just makes the case all the more difficult. You know about his close ties with the royals, right?"

The detective waited.

The inspector continued - "Well, I guess we have our work cut out. I will go and let His Highness know. Do you have any leads? Any key suspects?"

"Not yet, Sir," said the detective, looking a bit apologetic. "My whole team is working on the case, but as you know, when one is that famous, enemies are not hard to come by. Even though there weren't any witnesses, we do know now that it was not an accident, but haven't been able to find a fingerprint match so far. Plus there may be more clues buried in the mess. It'll take some time to sort it all, which is not going to be easy. Even the royal guard has been trying."

"Well, we shall let them do whatever they need to. Please continue your investigation. I think it is time for me to head out."

The detective saluted, and left. The inspector followed, went down to the parking lot, and drove his car to the palace, where he was granted a prompt audience with the king, who got straight to the point.

"So, inspector, what news do you bring me?"

"I'm sorry to inform you, your Majesty, but ...", he hesitated.

"Go on."

"... but, Humpty Dumpty ... was pushed."

It's 2 am

2008-07-20T02:00:00.000-07:00

Can't sleep. Tossed and turned for 45 minutes, then turned on the laptop once more. Wide awake now.

Must sleep. Planning to cook a fancy (well, by my standards) brunch/lunch.

Menu:

Champagne. Will not be cooking this, obv! Have gotten the "right kind" of glasses, though.
Mushroom toast with pepper jack cheese and jalapeno mustard
Chicken Alfredo
Mushroom-tomato-cheese-avocado omelettes with scallions on top

Does my talent, like my modesty, know no bounds?

The flatmate says moo

2008-07-20T00:27:00.001-07:00

The family is off on a vacation, people in SD are partying away, as is N in NYC - he attended two parties tonight (and apparently formed the UN, or shot a Benetton ad).

I - am ill.

I was whining to the flatmate about how everyone but me is having fun.

[whiny voice] Tchhh ... everyone but me is having fun.

[Not interested voice] Oh please.

Whaaaaat ?? It's true.

You get invited to a lot of parties!

[What the ... is he on crack?] Nooo ... are you mad? What parties?

[Tang mat kar ...] Dekh, agar you would have been invited to said parties in SD, then also you wouldn't have gone. You know it.

Haan ... true.

Dammit, perceptive cow kahin ka.

European memoirs - I'm not going

2008-07-20T00:27:00.000-07:00

The family leaves in about 9 hours - on their way to a 16-day vacation in Europe, as part of the SOTC package. Everything has already been arranged, right from the flight back and forth, to the various pick-ups, the food, the accomodation, sight-seeing, the tour guides and shopping expeditions.

Dad traveled through Europe ages back, when there were hardly any Indians there. Mom is far smarter than me with directions, signs, maps, money, documents, languages. Sis is a seasoned traveler both within and outside of India.

And yet, I'm feeling nervous. As if somehow, based on my 10-day stint in 3 cities last year, it would have been better had I been there.

I want to be a kid again.

Nahi, no dawai ... ooowokk

2008-07-18T22:40:00.000-07:00

I've got a terrible cough, a runny nose, and a fever. As a child, whenever I'd get sick, my poor mother had the toughest time because - a) I would refuse to have any medicine, and puke it out if and as soon as I did, and - b) I'd constantly ask her when would I get well. I've been asking myself the same question for the last three days, and even I'm sick of me.

Somehow, she answered it every single time.

I want my mommmmyyyyy ...

OMFG - I couldn't resist

2008-07-15T15:22:00.000-07:00

Ok ... I'm sorry ... I swear I tried to resist. But the more I see the video in the previous post, the more irritated I get. Now any one who is even remotely logical would tend to ask - "if the video bugs you, why do you keep watching it?", but since the readership of this blog is made up of mostly dense individuals (and hence the return to said blog with its inane posts, no?), all five of whom I have just lost; I do not have to worry about answering that question.

Before I go on, the answers are:

- No
- No
- Yes, but is this the best our country can do ?
- Evidently so.
- Most definitely
- Like Pamela's boobs.
- Bitch, please!

The questions are:

- Do you think it is right to be judgmental about someone you hardly know ?
- Do you have the balls to reach the Miss Universe pageant ?
- Do you think she must have something in her to have made it this far ?
- My God ... are you a horrible, bitchy, sad little individual ?
- In your opinion, could she have been trained better ?
- Does she come across as fake ?
- What would you say to her if she spoke like that in front of you ?

*Sidenote* - the flat mate thinks she is pretty. I do not. At all.

- What was your favorite subject in school and why?

Simran, it's be-CAU-se ... it is not be-cuzzzz. You learnt that in school. Or should have. You are representing India. Do not annihilate your accent just beCAUse that troll Donald Trump owns the pageant.

Oooh ... "trickiness is what catches you", is it ? That is SUCH a fukkin rehearsed answer. I'm sure you would love it if someone were to swindle you, right ? You'd be caught right and proper then!

- If the statement, "you are what you eat", is true, you would be a _______

Take a moment. Think. Formulate your answer. Then open your mouth. Don't rush into it, stumble over the question itself and then look disturbed. Thanks. And please pardon me, but to me you came across as ekdum bland Dhania powder.

- What's the best gift you've ever received and why ?

I may be wrong here, but shouldn't the subject and the verb agree ? "The best gift I have ever received are the blessings" ??? The subject is the gift - in its singular form. The verb must follow suit.

Also, if you choose to speak in your fake-ass English, then at least get your diction right. How noble, mahaan (and once again, super rehearsed) you are that you don’t believe in mate-riya-listic things!!

- Share one quirky habit you have. How long have you had it ?

Yes, you are right - it is really unusual (here, I, taking a cue from you, enlarge my eyes as I type, for added effect) that you are empathetic towards animals.

By the by, a dog is also an animal, you dumb cow.

But wait, it seems that I, like you, have ~~spoken~~ typed without giving it a second thought. Let's just go back and listen to your answer in its entirety. From what I can tell, your unusual habit is that if the animal is still alive, or if you have the strength, and if the guys who ran over the animal (very morose, really) are still around, you would love to go and scream at them. NOT help the animal ?

I'm guessing that the help part is what you were fumbling to say, but again, perhaps this answer wasn't rehearsed enough, and like before, you chose to make it up as you went along. Bravo.

- If there were one particular wardrobe item that you couldn’t live without, what would it be and why ?

I stand 5 feet 10 inches tall. Yes yes yes, I know you have been asked to answer any and all questions about your height in this manner. But it's just so ... ugh, I don't know - trite, almost.

And again, if those heels gave your body a very good posture, I would understand that. But how are they giving your body a verrrry good posturrrre? How the hell did the Rs start rolling all of a sudden, when they did not do so during your not being mate-riya-listic?

All in all, congratulations and all that. But even at the risk of sounding unpatriotic, we so did not deserve to win.

OMFG!!

2008-07-14T14:24:00.000-07:00

The Miss India interview at Miss universe 2008.
I have so much to say, but I think the video pretty much speaks for itself.

And now, back to the show ...

2008-06-26T00:01:00.000-07:00

So first the good news - I will be a daddy in 5 months or so.

I shall give you a minute to digest this information before I go on.

60 59 58 57 56 55 54 53 52 51
50 49 48 47 46 45 44 43 42 41
40 39 38 37 36 35 34 33 32 31
30 29 28 27 26 25 24 23 22 21
20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0

Yes, it's true. At least that's the explanation I'm choosing to go with to account for my reflection every morning. As previously mentioned, if it's a boy, he will be named Ghattu ... the girl will be Shurpi.

If one was to go looking for the real reason, it would obviously be a total lack of exercise, along with loads of amazing khaana that the flatmate's folks make every day. As a result, I am in shape - yes, round is a shape. Not that I'm complaining ... come on, how often do I get fresh dosas for breakfast ? However, they are here for another week, after which, while I shall be quite sad about them leaving, I really really need to lose ~~some~~ quite some weight. Of course, part of the reason (and yes, I know it's going to sound like an excuse) has to be the last month, when I was working like a total dog.

*Sidenote* Just how much work do dogs do ? *End sidenote*

Work, which is being less of a pain ever since I went to my boss last week and told him I'm leaving the team. Luckily, he didn't call my bluff ... well, it was a bluff only in the sense that I wouldn't have quit the team, but I was very close to complete exhaustion with the amount of work that was being thrown my way - 23 days in a row, about 16 -17 hours a day, no weekends. It's a good thing that my boss is a great guy ... not many bosses would take kindly to being told that people at his level don't do any work! Anyhoo, still have a job, they've got me an intern, and they're hiring a full time engineer. About frikkin time, to be honest.

In other news, I've finally started studying for the GMAT. I guess taking the date jolted me into action. I still need to get through a buttload of stuff, plus there is the whole college application process, but I'm hoping to stay motivated. Of course, for that to happen, I need to stop corresponding with "friends" such as dear dear Piks, who sent the following reply to my mail informing him I won't be able to join him in London in August coz it'll be quite close to my exam date ...

GMAT!!! You plan to be one of those wannabe cool buddhas in the mba classes???

Yes, he is supposed to be one of my closest pals. No wonder I'm always miserable.

Oh, speaking of people who make my life difficult, the flatmate struck again, a couple of days back. He and I decided to get ourselves lazy boy chairs (that's just what I need to meet my get-in-shape goal ... perfect!!), and we were at the furniture store with his folks, and since he needed a mattress, I was giving my expert opinion - please stop reading more into it that what it was! Anyways, I tried a couple of mattresses, and since my words are held in such high regard by all and sundry, I said ...

Yeah, this one is better. That one is kinda firm .. and this other one is too soft. But this one is just right.

To which the (bitchy) flatmate replied ...

Yes yes, Goldilocks. I got it.

Once again, see what I live with!!!!

So I guess that's about all that's going on with me at the moment. I know I wanted to write in a number of times in the past, but have just been too lazy or uninspired. I could have written about the talk I had with N about growing up, but I'm sure that's something he and I will discuss an equal (or more) number of times in the future as we have in the past. Speaking of growing up old, he turns 18 in a few days. Advance Happy Birthday, N. 30 really is the new 20! :D

That's it for now. I guess (hope?) the "cartoon" in the last post has brought me back to blog-world, albeit with a diminished sense of the funnies. Oh well.

Sabina meets Paro

2008-06-25T23:17:00.000-07:00

One life to live

2008-06-05T18:55:00.000-07:00

He awoke with a start. His clothes were sweaty. He got up to wash his face.

It had been fourteen years, but the nightmares had not stopped. He could still see that face clearly ... the sneer, those eyes without any trace of emotion, those strong hands. And that knife. Drip. Drip. Drip. Even today, he heard every drop of blood fall to the floor, he heard her screams ... trying to fight off her killer ... shouting to him for help, but he remained hidden. He knew he could have stopped her from dying if he wanted ... or at least give her a fighting chance. But that would have meant him having to suffer the same fate as her. And he chose to live.

But was this a life ? Fourteen years of the same vision. He wanted to be free, but that would no longer be possible. By not saving her, he had doomed himself to suffer a fate worse than hers.

He washed his face and looked up into the mirror ... and recoiled in shock. He saw the killer's face stare back at him, just as the prison alarm sounded.

Coz work's being a toh-tal bitch

2008-05-29T23:10:00.000-07:00

I need a hug.
:-(

Overheard at work today I

2008-04-29T17:05:00.000-07:00

[Woman on her cellphone, standing next to a fax machine]: Ohhh I made a mistake. I accidentally sent it to the wrong number. Instead of sending it to your fax number, I sent it to your listed phone number.

My thought - Then how the hell did it go across, you stupid cow ? Didn't you check the damn fax report which must have said "Move away from the machine, you illiterate" ??

I think I need a few days off.

How he's grown

2008-04-28T20:56:00.000-07:00

There was a time when I was a FOB. Well, in some ways, I still think I am; plus I've never really thought of FOB (or ABCD, for that matter) to be insulting; but I'm not as FOB-by as I used to be. Which is something I realized while going through some old mails today - from roughly 10 days in August - September 2002 (right after I had gotten off the ~~boat~~ plane) - yes, I have some of those mails still saved. Yes, I'm actually quite sentimental, as, I'm sure, if obvious from reading my posts!

And here is what I had written back then ...

Khair, once on the plane, I was quite happy to see the cool tv screens and all
This was probably because while I have been flying since I was a kid, this was my first international flight - unless you count Nepal, but then, that flight didn't have screens in front of every seat. Kuwait Air did.

The blankets that they gave us were amazing, just the right size and majorly warm
The same blankets now seem small and coarse. Frikkin spoilt I am.

The trip was all the more amazing because of this air hostess called Tsvetanka Piedelieva ..... definitely one of the prettiest women I have ever seen ... and extremely sweet
Tsvetanka, if you read this, drop me a line. I still think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Finally, I decided to call and was lookin around for a 1 dollar coin
This was still at JFK, not at the airport in Cincinnati ...

The bath was AMAZING. Totally firang waala - with a glass door to the tub and shower and everything
Yes, I was being the wide eyed desi boy at my chacha's place.

They have this super speed net connection and a bahut cool comp.with laser printer and all. Bade hi amreekan type ke log hain
I still had dial up at the time. Which is what I used to do all my research and stuff when I was applying to universities in the US. And today, I get pissed if Gmail takes more than a second to load.

So I was telling my sis over chat as to how my chacha's kids (10 and 5 years old at the time) had waited to have dinner with me ...

and the day I came, we reached home at about 9:30 and had dinner at 10 but they both waited for me and had dinner with us only. quite sweet.

And my sis goes ...

sooo sweet ... how well mannered ... hum bhi aise nahi hain

I don't think it needs to be pointed out that the sis is given to being highly dramatic at times!

And the FOB-biness continued with ...

tu fridge dekhti to faint ho jaati ..... stocked with evrything imaginable yaar
I sound like one of those really starved kids.

then we walked to dominoes for lunch ... bada accha pizza tha ... much better than india vaala
Errr ...

And I had this new thing called smirnoff ice ... badi hi tasty thi
I guess breezers weren't as popular in India then. Or were they ? Dammit ... was I uncool even then ??!!??

New York is divided into 6 parts -- queens, brooklyn, manhattan, long island ... where I am, Bronkx and New York city). Manhattan is the major cool hang out type of joint
I don't know how accurate my Geography is, but I soooo maintain that Manhattan is still what I thought it was all those years ago. N ... I'm coming around soon, btw.

I continued to tell the sis about some long lost cousin aunt I had met ...

Also, she said that when she was in India she had come to our place and had seen my snap and then she says "maine tumhari mummy se kaha ki Gaurav ko dekhe hue bahut time ho gaya ... bada chhota and cute hua karta THA !!!" .... I did not know whether that was an insult or a compliment.
Again, Errr ...

It was good, but you're supposed to have it with this green coloured paste kinda thing which hits you so badly ... its like eating a spoonful of mustard sauce rookha !!!
*Braces self* This was me describing eating sushi with wasabi. Dammnn … what village did I come from ?!?!

Now for -insert annoying young cousin's name- .... he is this obese kid, who might be sweet, but lacks all respect .... maybe because he's american or something ..... but hes the kind of kid whose face i feel like slapping on sight.
Clearly, my love for kids has always been there.

I think I will call up chacha and say namaste today ...
Apparently I was showing off my Hindu sabhyata.

Aunty wanted to meet me. I dunno why, but I always remembered her as a bit of a chudail .... but she was very sweet.
I'm actually a really nice person. Honest.

I'm mailing everything so that I don't spend too much time answering questions over the phone :)
Which reminds me – I really need to start saving some!!!

And there were many more mails, but I’m sure the point is clear :)

Birds of a feather

2008-04-27T21:41:00.001-07:00

The flatmate, as sweet a child as he comes across to be, can be quite bitchy! Observe:

Me [showing him a picture of two slightly (ok, considerably) rotund people at a wedding]: See!
Flatmate [his eyes bulging as soon as he sees the picture, and then expostulating]: Oh GOD! Was there anything left for the other guests after these two got through the buffet ?

See what I live with!! He's totally going to Hell. Yes yes, he's only going to follow me there.

Alas - it's Alaska I

2008-04-22T17:39:00.000-07:00

Since I gave up the India posts after only four attempts, and the European memoirs in just three tries, I have decided to be a good lad and write about the Alaska trip while it's still fresh in my mind. So here goes ...

The trip began with me trying on the ~~gloves~~ giant oven mitts I borrowed from the flatmate, rendering me unable to show my face while I had them on. More than one person has suggested I wear them permanently. Hmph - sticks and stones etc.

We got a choice between a Dodge and a G6, and I chose the latter, which, in retrospect, was kinda sad since that is the car I drive on a daily basis. Things got worse when Khichkhich (henceforth KK) declared that he wasn't the least bit interested in driving, which of course led to me having to drive all across Alaska for four days ... but then the super plus side to it was - me driving across Alaska for four days !! By the way, don’t miss the camera case at the back of the car. That is still lying at one of the viewpoints that KK was soooo excited to stop every second at. Oh well, perhaps someone else looking for a case will suddenly become all happy. Plus ... it was HIS camera. Haha .. *straight face*.

Yes, those ARE clip on shades. Oh shut up. I had to. There wasn’t any time to get regular prescription ones made. And they helped a great deal, since the sun was super bright. Plus they don’t look too bad from afar. Like I said, SHUT UP.

On the way to Seward (to go whale watching), we pulled over at this place which was too frikkin awesome for words. Hence, a video ...

Seeing a huge pile of snow, I decided to tyaago it all and take off. This dukhi zindagi was just too much. Which is when I realized that I was the one with the car keys, which resulted in me turning around and trying to maaro some sort of a "I'm the King of the hill" pose, but looking more like a "Is there a restroom around here" pose. Do observe.

On the way back from the hill (and on our way to Seward, for the whale watching trip), we saw this sign. A leeeeetle bit late it is, no ?

This pic totally cracked me up, specially if you look at the kid's expression in the last box. It's like .. Wheeee ... orange color life jacket .. I want I want .. heeheee ... it feels so nice .. don’t I look snazzy ... WHOOAA .. WTF ?? ... are you gonna drop me into the ocean ?!?!? ...

On the boat, I decided to channel my inner buddhi aunty ... check me out giving the "arre beta, isss dukhiyari ko chaai peene do shaanti se" look. I'm quite dramatic, really.

Of course, the four layers that I was wearing - shirt, sweater, muffler, jacket - came in handy out at sea. It was highly freezing, and since I did not want to scare everyone else away, I took KK's (bad) advice and did not .. repeat .. not .. wear the gloves. Which is why I've got my hands stuffed down my pockets.

Force of the wind .. feel it, I do. Yesss. <-- This is my Yoda impersonation, for those not quite as geeky.

The majestic takli eagle. I was hoping that it would swoop down and snatch one of the kids on board. Unfortch, that did not happen. Win some, lose some.

Very Hitchcock-ian, don’t you think ? These birds were still ok - they were at least flying gracefully in formations and stuff. However, we encountered a number of demented ducks - who would choose to sit still while the boat headed straight for them, and then use their wings to run on the water like there's no tomorrow - which it would certainly not have been had we got to them in time.

This is Porpy, the porpoise - I know, imaginative name, right ?!? She and her sahelis were dancing around the boat for some time. We concluded that this is what we would have to be content with, since Helen the slutty whale had enticed all the other whales away to her lair of sordidness and debauchery, which is why we never saw any.

Sidenote - in case you're wondering about the names, don't even get me started on Roopmati, Khushi, Bulbul and Rajnigandha - the receptionists at the various hotels at which we stayed.

These two pics were on the way back - proof that the sea breeze, accompanied by sightings of otters, sea lions, bald eagles, mountain goats, sea gulls and highly disturbed ducks leads to even ~~totally~~ relatively sane people going a bit balmy. It is little wonder that pirates were as strange as they were.

On the way back from Seward, we decided to stop at Alyeska, which is basically this place that’s really high up and you need to go via cable car. I really don't know why I agree to do these things, especially since I think I have a mild fear of heights.

KK's pose is to be seen and not commented upon.

Enthu cutlet that I am, I decided to run down the mountain and sing the "yetiii .. yeti I love you" song. Sadly, only my cool moves are seen in this video, which, I am sure, you are simply dying to watch. Go right ahead, dear readers.

What goes down must come up - Newton's postulate to the 4th law of gravity. And since I did go down, it was but obvious that I would come up. Here I am, looking a bit like Anil Kapoor actually ... as he is running up the mountain to save his lady love or some such. Can't you just hear the drumbeat in the background ?

That pic says "Explosives - Keep away" ... I am not entirely sure as to why is there a cannon right by a ski trail. Alaskans are crazy.

Oh how luurrrvely - a perfect way to end a perfect day - sunset from the top of the mountain, which could also be seen (the sunset, not the mountain!!) from inside the restaurant (Seven Glaciers) that we had dinner at.

We got back to the hotel at about 10:30 at night, at which time KK - raat ki raani that he is - ventured out once more, while I crashed into the wonderful bed and drifted off to sleep. Very fairy tale-ish, I know.

I'm going to be rich !!!

2008-04-15T12:56:00.000-07:00

I received an email this morning, from Mr. Hon-Hing Wong, the Managing Director of a bank in Hong Kong. Apparently, some German dude saved a buttload of money in his bank, and has since kicked the bucket. As a result, Mr. Wong is more than willing to share 35% of the wealth with me, in return for my services posing as Mr. Schnieder's next of kin. Wow ... I am SOO lucky ... of all the people in the world, I've been chosen !! What are the odds !!

Here are bits of the email:

I am Mr. Hon-Hing Wong , Managing Director of ****** Bank Ltd, Hong Kong. Iam contacting you with respect to a portfolio amounting to $35,520,000 USD(Thirty Five Million, Five Hundred and Twenty Thousand United StatesDollar) deposited by a German Merchant named Mr. Mathew Schneider.

Wait ... why is the "m" in Merchant capital ?

Mr. Mathew Schneider, has since passed away without stating his next ofkin because he deposited the funds in our establishmentat a point he was finalizing divorcing his wife and had no kids coupledwith the fact that he was an orphan.

Now this is the true German spirit ... an orphan child has been able to make such a wonderful amount of money in his lifetime !! I'm sure that cow of a wife only married him for his millions. Well, she ain't getting a damn thing. Haha ... in your face, you money grabbing harlot.

This sum of $35,520,000 USD (ThirtyFive Million, Five Hundred and TwentyThousand United States Dollar) is still in my ssession in my Bank lifelessand unnoticed ...

In my ssession ?? ... "po" kahan gaya ? Po has po-ed ?? (little Tam joke there! ) ... and it's quite fortunate that the sum of 35 million bucks is lying in a bank, unnoticed. I never knew bankers in Hong Kong are so frivolous with keeping track of their accounts. Well, good for me!

I will like to seek for your permission as a foreigner to stand as the next of kin toMr. Mathew Schneider so that the fruits of this old man's labor will not be use for financing weapons which will further enhance the courses of war in the world in general.

Yes yes, noble thoughts indeed. I am all for stopping such developments, specially when I could use that money to build my very own amusement park right inside my ~~house~~ mansion! But how to look German ? Abhi tak toh people have said I look Venezuelan (sach mein ... two Mexicans and a Colombian have told me so!!! ... taco taco) ... perhaps I could grow a tiny moustache ?

There is no risk at all as all the paperwork for this project will be done by my attorney and with my position as the credit officer guarantees thesuccessful execution of this project.

Oh ... needless to say. It already seems totally fool proof. Just tell me where to sign and let's get this show on the road, Mr. Wong.

Awaiting your urgent reply. Email: mr_hingwong28@yahoo.com.hk.

Cool. Abhi bhejta hoon. But I'm confused - your mail came from mr_hingwong2007@yahoo.com, but I need to reply to a different mail id ??

Hang bloody on ... is this a scam ?!?!?! Phewww ... bach gaya.

Having a senior moment

2008-04-10T16:47:00.000-07:00

I've had my car for just under two years. Only twice has someone else ever driven it. No one but me has ever gotten gas filled into it. Today, I forgot which side the gas tank is on.

I'm 27. I guess it's already starting to go downhill.

Zen from movie trailers

2008-04-09T16:42:00.000-07:00

It's better to be disliked for what you are than to be loved for something that you are not

- Falling from Grace

I have a feeling there is some deep meaning to the line, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

I'm going home

2008-04-09T14:14:00.000-07:00

Yes, Mr. Grecon, I'm finally going home; she said, her voice full of happiness and excitement.

Mr Grecon smiled. He had known Zabinira for the last seventeen years or so, since the time she first started to work in his warehouse; and he had found her to be extremely hard working and young at heart for a lady her age. Him enquiring about the exact number of years she had been on the planet, and she coyly refusing to ever let that fact slip was a standing joke between them. Still, he was pushing 52; and she was easily twenty or so years his senior.

Finally, huh?, he responded.

Yes ... yes!!, she replied, her mind clearly thinking of the long journey she would have to take to be with the man she had loved all her life - Jovas - who was still about 3000 miles away, but whom she would see within a few weeks. They had been in touch through those letters once a month, her only link to him for so long.

Are you sure you don't need any help from me?, he enquired.

Oh no Mr. Grecon, you have done far more than I could ever have asked. Right from helping me sell all my belongings, to getting my paperwork ready, to giving me the courage to make this journey back to the person with whom I belong. Bless you, Mr. Grecon, you truly are a wonderful man.

Will I see you again?, he asked, already knowing the answer.

In another life, perhaps; she replied with good humour.

You know, I will never be able to come back; she continued, without a trace of sadness in her voice ... Everything I had has been used to make this trip, but if it means being able to spend my last few years next to my Jovas, then it's worth it. I wish I had a camera to capture his face when he opens the door and finds me standing there. I'm going to breathe my last in his arms, Mr. Grecon. What more could I ask for ?

Now now, said Mr. Grecon with a twinkle in his eye, you will live to be an old lady, I'm sure of it. I can hardly see a wrinkle on your face yet.

She smiled as her hand explored the contours of her face. They hugged. She was ready to go back.

Three weeks later, she stood in front of that old apartment for a long time. Her body was exhausted from the journey, but her mind was reliving all the memories she had in that place. Jovas, her true love, who wouldn't let her go hungry even when he hadn't eaten in over five days. His handicap had never allowed him to have a "normal" job, but they had persisted ... even in the face of acute adversity, they had each other. And then she had had to go away. But .. but that was all in the past. She was here, and that's all that mattered. Even though they would still have to live in poverty, they were together once more.

Her eyes welled up, she took a deep breath, and imagining what his embrace would feel like after all these years, as her fingers moved to the bell.

The bell chimed. He opened the door.

Good morning sir ... my name is Jovas Mislun. I have finally come to be with my Zabinira. She works for you, doesn't she ?

South Park rocks

2008-03-26T22:07:00.000-07:00

Lu lu lu, I've got some apples,
Lu lu lu, you've got some too.
Lu lu lu, let's make some applesauce,
Take off our clothes and lu lu lu!

LOL !! Butters is amazing :-)

The touch

2008-03-19T10:49:00.000-07:00

She felt his hands on her body, and that warm feeling came over her once more. After twelve years of being together, it was almost impossible for her to fall asleep without his touch. She wasn't a romantic, and certainly had never believed in that electric feeling you get when the "right" person touches you for the first time; but it had happened ... on their date so many years ago.

She shifted, and his hands entangled with hers. She smiled at the thought of how uncomfortable he had initially been of sleeping like this. But now, there was no other way he would have it.

She closed her eyes, and waited to drift off. But for the last few nights, her mind kept going back to that morning nine days ago. When she has woken, and known something was amiss even before she opened her eyes.

He was there, and he wasn't.

The frantic 911 call was but a haze, as had been the doctor giving her the news. News - that made it sound so matter-of-fact, so impersonal. She remembered looking at his naked body in the morgue, a day before he would be buried.

Her eyes were unfocussed, but her hands were the opposite. The haze cleared, and she saw herself picking up the cleaver.

And another story

2008-03-18T22:22:00.000-07:00

The flatmate writes.

BFFs

2008-03-18T10:21:00.000-07:00

She walked into the room, and saw her standing by the window, looking out at nothing in particular.

Elle ?

Elle turned around, and faced the source of the voice. She had been expecting her closest friend, Dee, to show up for some time now, and yet, the sight of her made Elle's skin crawl.

So you're here, said Elle, without either pleasure or regret. I read about the train incident and didn't know whether or not you would come.

Don't be silly, Elle ... you know I'm a survivor, she replied. Come, we need to leave.

Leave ? Again ? Dee, I'm really not up to it right now.

She sighed. This was so typical of Elle, who enjoyed the drama, the jostle that they invariably had to have any time a job was over and they were about to move on to the next assignment. Frankly, Dee was getting quite tired of it.

Sweety, she cajoled, why must we always get into this argument ? The system has worked so well for all these years; and we both have gotten what we wanted out of it. Why do we always have to talk about it right at the last minute ?

Because, spat back Elle, as soon as we're done, you leave. Leave me to look for someone else, lonely and alone. Do you realize how difficult it is to start over ? How many times have I asked you to come with me, but you hardly ever do. Oh Dee, please ... let's go together ?

Elle, we've been through this before. You know it's always much tougher when I come with you right at the beginning. We are very different people, Elle, you know that. They do not accept me the same way they accept you. Please, let's just go.

But it's always the same story. There is never any change. Dee, oh Dee, can't there be another way ?

Elle, I try very hard to keep it interesting, said Dee, her voice cold as ice. I vary the routine as much as I can ... as do you. But I am not going to stand here and argue about changing everything just because you're having doubts. It's time to go, Elle.

Elle stared long and hard at her, and finally gave in. She held her best friend's hand, and they both walked out of the room.

The bleeps on the heart monitor stopped. He died.

And so it happened ...

2008-03-14T20:11:00.000-07:00

You know you'll never win.

Don't be foolish, old man. I now know everything you do.

Everything ?

Yes, I know it all. Didn't think this day would actually come, did you ?

I cannot decide whether to laugh at you, or simply pity you.

Haa! Pity ?? Pity is what I feel for you now. Your words cannot frighten me any more. They're all going to come with me, don't you see ?

Oh, but I do see ... I see a lot more than you realize.

This cryptic talk might work on people who don't understand who you are, but it doesn't make me shake with fear. You have no influence over me. And soon, very soon, you will be nothing but a memory.

Even after all these years, you remain adamant. You have great potential, but your arrogance clouds your judgement.

You are yet to see what I'm truly capable of. And I will show you. No one will remember who you were.

I see I cannot help you, son. I'm sorry, but you must go away.

And who will make me ?

I have but to say it.

Then say it, I dare you. I DARE YOU.

Leave, Lucifer.

I spy with my little eye

2008-03-14T00:06:00.000-07:00

I was brushing my teeth right now, just before getting into bed, and a thought struck me. What would be more scary - looking into the mirror and seeing the reflection of someone else standing right behind you, or looking into the mirror and not recognizing the only reflection that stared back ?

Two thumbs down

2008-03-12T16:22:00.000-07:00

I am happy to announce that I have finally had the pleasure of meeting Ebert and Roeper, or the lesser paid version - Ebertmama and Roeperinju. This is my attempt at Telegu- and Japan-o-fying the names. I know - I should kill myself.

But since all five readers of this blog have an even more boring life than me ... correction ... all three readers of this blog now ... here is the story -

So I was at the food court, happily sitting on a four vaali table in the sun (no, I was not being a loser and a pain by (a) being at the food court all alone and (b) occupying three more seats than needed - all references to my size can please be stuffed) , about to enjoy my gyro plate; while the flatmate was taking absolutely ages to arrive with his plate of spicy noodles (yes, I see the flatmate outside of the flat too - but refuse to elevate his status to friend - at least, and only, for the purpose of this blog !! Flatmate - kindly ignore and continue to cook the amazing food you make. Merci.); when E and R plonked themselves down on two of the three seats, of course, after first asking for permission, since I was looking at them with my usual air of disdain as they stood besides the table, greedily eye-ing the seats ( and perhaps my food!!). No, I don't have too many friends. How did you guess ?

Yenyhoo, they started chowing down on some mixed vegetable and naan or something, and Ebertmama (I can't help it ... I still find the name funny) decided to give Roeperinju a discourse on a movie that's just been released - 10,000 B.C. (I hope I get some money for this muft ki advertising). Now it turns out that R had seen the movie only recently, and for some reason, E's views were the exact opposite of R's. So whenever R would say something nice about the movie, E would vehemently and repeatedly contradict it. Please note that I cannot be blamed for eavesdropping - they were both right next to me!! Please also note that the flatmate has yet to arrive - damn noodles.

Finally, after what seemed like ages, and after E had gone on and on about the cinematography, direction and action in the movie, he revealed that he had not ... I repeat - NOT ... in fact seen the movie, but gathered all this from the trailer. I almost choked on my pita bread. Pretentious cow kahin ka. R also looked like he was ready to commit Harakiri on E. Wikipedia enthusiasts would probably be raring to point out that Harakiri (or Seppuku) is done on ones' own self. I know. That's the irony, idiots.

E then went on to compare the movie to some random movie about Madrasi men working with paper binders, or so I thought, as he mentioned Appa-Clips. R looked equally flummoxed, but mama E was shaking his head quite vigorously, while simultaneously raising his eyebrows and rolling his eyes in an exaggerated fashion. I shifted a little bit in my seat, thinking he was about to break into a Kathak performance. That did not happen. What did happen, however, was my eyes bulged and the water I was sipping came out of my nose as I realized that E was actually talking about Apocalypse Now !!!!!! I swear ... it took all my strength to keep me from saying something like "Whaaaatt raa ... rubbishh maaamuu", and then throwing the water at his face !!

R kinda smiled (these polite Japs!) and went on to compare 10,000 B.C. to 300. Thankfully, the flatmate arrived at about this time and I switched off from E and R. Ok .. the truth - we both got busy eavesdropping. Oh stop judging us.

Maeedum, do the dosti ?

2008-02-25T19:04:00.001-08:00

So here are the lines I will not be able to use during the lock and key party that I'm not going for:

Wait, what ? I can see ki tumhara interest ho gaya hai ~~pique~~ ~~peak?~~ pique! Toh before I go ahead and write those lines out, ye raha background (I seem to be in a highly Hinglish mood, pliss adjust) ...

The flatmate and I, along with a bunch of other ~~losers~~ cool singletons, decided to (or at least talked about) go(ing) for the "DESI SINGLES PADLOCK and KEY SINGLES PARTY & HIGH SOCIETY AFTERPARTY! - Its the ultimate Ice-Breaker!" ... (honest ... in caps no less (as in capital letters, not wearing caps! ... get real) ... you can't make this shizz up!). So just the title must have made it amply clear ki this was one major thing to be at - not only is the word singles used twice in the first sentence, but one must not miss the fact that the afterparty is the high society kinds. Totally be-there-or-be-square-variety. *airkisses everyone - twice*

But before I go on, I shall spill the names of all those who were enthu about the event. Share the laughter, I always say!

- The flatmate
- Canucki
- Rintintin (not to be confused with Tintin)
- Shilpa and Shamita's sister - Captain Nimmo.

Now everyone must be wondering what in the world is this event all about. Copying straight from the event website:

* Ladies get a Padlock / Guys get a Key
* Your goal is to match the right lock with the right key
* Get a match to win a raffle for the prize draw!
* Get a new padlock or key or stick with the lucky one that you have and go back to meet even more people!
* Find someone you like, stay and talk for a bit! Exchange contact info if you like
* Throughout your quest you'll meet upto 50, 100 or more people of the opposite sex

Needless to say, I we had been thinking of the various lines/techniques to be used on the ladies who would arrive. Here they are (in case you ever go to one of these things ... eyerolling band karo ... you never know!)

- "Medam can i fit my key in your lock?" (generously contributed by Half-O)
- "Hello I want to push and turn" - high chances of getting slapped.
- I have a small lantern and an auto type bhopu. I was supposed to light a diya in the lantern, walk around like one of those old chowkidaars, and maaro two horns in case I found someone I fancied. The credit for this idea goes entirely to the flatmate.
- Find a locksmith, or a master key. Go nuts. If you decide to use this one, send royalties to Rintintin.
- "Is it rusty?" - I would not have used this. Maybe.
- "The key is the only thing that's small" - I would have used this. Ahemm.
- "Your place or mine ? I already got the key" - yes, highly cheesy. I will not tell you who came up with it. *Cough-Canucki-Cough*

The only decent idea (also suggested by Half-O) was - find someone you like, ask her to throw the lock away and you'd do the same with the key, and the two of you take off.

And the reason that all this fun will not be had is because ... *drumroll* ...

MALE TICKETS SOLD OUT *ONLY FEMALE TICKETS AVAILABLE*

Oh well, at least I'm prepared for next time!

Just a little pinch

2008-02-24T21:55:00.000-08:00

But what happened to your …

He smiled. Smiled. I did not blink.

I looked up at the clock. 10 pm. My eyes traveled to the door. In he walked. From the very first day those many months back, he always came in at precisely 10 pm, the time when the place would be at its boisterous best. I had been working there for over thirteen years, and knew how to spot the one-timers from the regulars. I knew he would be the latter ... there was something in the way he sat down at the bar and ordered himself five shots of tequila, which he then proceeded to sip. Slowly. Night after night.

It was some weeks before we got talking. Which had everything to do with the silence with which he surrounded himself, and of course, that. I don't recall what it was that he said, but it was him - he let me in. I told him about my work, my family, and my sons. He would listen, but rarely looked up from his drinks. I gradually learnt of his time in Mexico, those years that taught him to be a patient man. And he sipped his tequila. Slowly.

And after many months, I finally asked.

But what happened to your …

I was never told the circumstances by which he got there. Just that it was where he landed up. The how didn't seem important anymore. But it was him. And them. And slowly, but steadily, he had weakened. Until the time he could fight them off no longer.

He paused to draw his breath. That half-raspy sound did not make me shudder any more.

And he told me how, over the course of those months, before he was finally rescued, had the rats in that jail slowly eaten half his face.

Looking back

2008-02-13T00:30:00.000-08:00

Could I have been wrong ?

I have asked myself this question every single day of my life, starting from that day in October. Have I found a satisfactory answer ? No. And Yes. I always thought that the clarity of my reasoning for doing what I did would be cause enough to make me believe that I made the right decision. A decision which was by no means an easy one to make ... it took years of resentment, months of meticulous planning, and that second of rage.

Rage ? Resentment ?

Was he following the wrong path ? I would like to think so, but try as I might to convince myself, doubt still lingers. Was what we did not enough ? Perhaps it would have been, given more time. There were others, I know now. But I was the one who was destined to do it.

Destiny. Or was it a desire for fame ? I have no doubt that I have made myself famous by forever being thought about every time he is. But will they ever know everything else I did, or will this one act be what my name is associated with for ages to come ? As the sun begins to set on another day, and I wait, wait for that moment when I meet my maker, I cannot help but wonder if this is to be my legacy ?

Life. Precious. Fleeting. Taken.

Perhaps I was wrong.

Do I feel remorse ? Would I do it again if I had the chance ?

Perhaps I wasn't.

- Nathuram Godse

An open letter

2008-02-07T15:38:00.000-08:00

Dear God,

Seriously dude ... give it a rest. It's high time you stopped fucking around with the people I love.

xo
-G

Hello, Suneet Verma ?

2008-01-31T16:21:00.000-08:00

Dark brown shoes
Sea blue socks
Light brown tan khakhis
Black belt with gold buckle
Deep blue shirt
White undershirt
Grey windsheeter type jacket
Silver framed glasses

All of this was on one engineer.

How can anyone blame me for not paying attention to what was going on in the meeting?

The India Posts - IV

2008-01-30T17:30:00.000-08:00

Toh kya kya kiya ? Let's see ...

Spinach baked that mom makes
Yes ... hogged and hogged on it. Felt like pushing sister's hand away when she reached for a second helping. My size has been upped from whale to small planet. Plus since I don't mind the cold, I think it is time to replace the void left by Pluto. I have decided to keep my planet name as Giagantus.

T and S coming to Delhi
They did, and I was pretty much at their place for three days, including the Christmas party. It was unanimously decided that T is a big pain in life, and everyone should ignore him. Thankfully, S is rather adept at handling him; and I suggest Ka the Snake should take lessons. I, needless to say, am loved by one and all.

Piks coming to Delhi as well
He did too, and it was great hanging out with both him and T. In the ten or so years that I have knows Piks, he hasn't changed one bloody bit ... except that there was a point when his blood had transformed into Tequila. Other than that, still the same down to earth (sometimes literally!!!) juvey he has always been.

The daal pakoras at Lajpat Nagar
Two plates. With that awesome green chutney. Damn ... I'm salivating just thinking about them.

Spending sis's money on my clothes
I hate shopping. The only time I do it is when I go to India, which means that the last time I shopped for myself was over two years ago. So this time around, in-keeping with my resolution to get rid of my Fab India shirts, I went and bought loads of stuff - shirts, shoes, jeans, jackets, glasses, soap (from Fab India ... what to do ... creature of habit), green tea with tulsi (I don't drink tea, but it seemed like a fun thing to buy) and on and on and on. Energizer bunny was not bought. Thanks, sis ... soap over hone vaala hai ... aur bhej.

Crowds
As much as I love San Diego, one of the main reasons I crave being in either SFO or NYC (or Paris - oui, c'est vrai) is because these cities are crowded, and busy, and they are full of people who have something to do and someplace to go. SD is more like a really expensive retirement community (in your face, Florida !!), but after three years of being here, I'm bored. Fine, I'm boring too ... but I'd much rather not blame myself, thank you very much. Also, having been born and brought up in Delhi, surrounded by a sea of people, makes me crave crowds ... which were present in abundance when I was back.

K's wedding
I had the most awesome time, even though I wasn't the one getting married. Friends' weddings are always fun - you're just expected to show up, smile, and since they know that all you really care about is the alcohol and the food and having an overall good time, there is no need to make polite conversation with the usual sea of relatives you dislike (areyyy .. kitna badaa ho gaya hai!!) at family weddings; leaving you free to have the afore-mentioned good time. Which, of course, was had.

Details ... just coz ...

Oh before anything - standard disclaimer so as not to get pummeled the next time I see her - K looked absolutely stunning in everything she wore ... she is the prettiest bride in the world .. she will make her K (oooh .. just hit me .. K weds K !!) the happiest man alive .. blah blah etc standard lines ...

So I attended the cocktails (duh!!) at Rendezvous, and even though I didn't know any one there, I mingled; and being the charming (or pushy and not good at taking hints, as some of my rude friends (ex-friends??) like to call it) lad that I am, had people lining up to talk to me. Ok, that's a lie. But I did mingle. Plus I'm sure everyone was quite impressed with the sync with which K and I danced ... little do people know that that's a skill which has been honed after years and years of practice at those school vaali dance parties, where Cotton Eye Joe Cotton Eye Joe Ladki Shehar Ki Ladki Saturday Night Macarena Who the Fuck Is Alice and so on and so forth was blaring in the background, while people were trying to "get with" people. You get the picture.

N arrived in town for the wedding, and it felt strangely deja-vu-ish when T, Piks, N and I were going to the venue together ... very beeti hui yaadein moment. I guess that's coz amongst all my friends (and I have many, seeing as how great a guy I am ... yeah, I am highly deluded!!) I still feel closest to these three fools from school. If only R was there, grant would have been complete. Lame inside joke, never mind. So anyways, we arrived, smiled, got our picture taken, then left K2 (haha ... K2 .. like the mountain) to jhelo everyone else. Ate a little bit of food, had some blue colored drink (Alas ... not Curacao ... which it should have been, considering the alcoholics K and K are!!) ... waited for AJ to arrive (fashionably late, as ever), had an even better time once she did (Piks was bored out of his skull ... he was raring to go to Buzz and get buzzed), and then left to make Piks happy.

Disclaimer 2 - AJ was looking as radiant as she always does .. if there ever was a person there who could give K (the woman K) competition it would have to be AJ ... she is pretty and beautiful and like a fairy prin .. *chokes*

The Buzz (and beyond) story is a post all in itself ... featuring Zee and the Leher Kurkerey boy.

Meeting AJ
I met her often, but not as often as I would have liked to. Has AJ changed ? Yes and no. She certainly has grown up, but still remains the crazy woman I had a massive crush on, and while the crush has been dead for some time now, the fondness I have for her is as strong as ever. She is one of the few people who is excellent at reading my facial expressions, and getting to know exactly what I'm thinking ... which is why I was surprised at her surprise when she and I talked in the car. Plus she is loads and loads of fun to be with. N, AJ and I had a great time talking about everything under the sun when we were at her place ... though I think I've decided not to forgive her for trying to poison me with that "fresh stuff" from whatever damn shop she got it from!

Christmas party at T's place (I better be called .. well, I'm going even if I'm not)
So naturally I was invited, and wasn't even told that the party was not happening when it really was ... who am I, N (he's going to kill me!!) ?? All his relatives were very glad to see me, or at least are really good actors. After all, they have seen me almost as often as they've seen him ... so much so that one of his aunts actually thought I didn't have a house and was staying with his family!! Which is still better than another aunt who, when she met me for the first time, thought I was a thief or a salesman or something and shut the door on my face just as I was about to enter his house as if I owned the place, since I did not know any other way to go in. What ? I'd played enough hide and seek there to know nooks and crannies she had no idea about!!

Drinks with B
Tabula Raasa - Square One mall. Wine, mojitos and finger food. The crazy aunties at the next couch. Perfect ambience. Great convo. Just-the-right-mood music. Secrets shared. The past discussed. A slight shock at the bill (damn India is expensive!). Did I really meet her after almost six years ?

The Delhi winter (for some reason, the song "dilli ki sardi" just popped into my head)
Honestly, I thought it would have been colder. From the 14th to the 29th, it was really a very warm winter, which led to my wearing T-shirts and pottering about the house, and led to mom screaming for me to wear a sweater, shawl etc.

Riding the metro
South to East. Very nice. Ab aur kya bolu ?

Autos
I have a love-price relationship with all auto vaale bhaiyaas, in that I love to haggle over price with them. Trust me, I almost always quote 10 rupees more than what it takes to get to where-ever it is that I'm trying to get to, but the moment they try and swindle me (and I know ... I've lived in Delhi forever), I just have to argue with them rather than take another auto. Bhaiyaa kya bol rahe ho ... jhooth bolke kya hoga .. meter se chal lo phir .. kya bakwaas main vaise hee zyaada de raha hoon ... nahi jaana toh yahan kyu khade ho ... kya main pehli baar jaa raha hoon kya wahaan?

*** Sidetrack - the crazy cow incident - So here I was, standing at one of the Kalkaji gol chakkar auto stands with a friend, after having enjoyed a delicious south Indian meal, when this total BTM (sorry for using such an archaic term, but there is no other way to describe her) pulls up in her Corolla, stops the car right next to me, assumes I'm an auto vaala and shouts "K-7" at me. Caught completely off guard due to my lack of comprehension (what if this was the code word to pick up guys ?!!?), I mumble "Huh" or some such thing, inducing her to screw up her pimply face even more, and loudly (and in a highly disgusted tone) remark "Ufff ... KAY SAVAAN?" ... Well, I was not having any of this gargoyle's attitude, and while I was tempted to shout back "no ... K-9" and bite her (geddit ?? hehehe) I instead put on my most haughty I-think-you-are-garbage expression (very easy for me to get) and said in my most I-am-phoren-return accent (also very simple to turn on and off) .. "I have no idea what the hell you're talking about?" .. and turned away since she had wasted quite a lot of my time which could have been used to discuss auto prices with the bhaiyaa. End Sidetrack ***

The clawwny aunties saying "Beta, have a roti" :)
Sadly, this was the only thing that did not happen ... not because the aunties read my blog (Good Lord ... how weird would that be ??!!?) and so decided not to call me over, but because I was acting all busy and important and simply did not have the time for individual dinners; specially not when such a large group of friends was in town. I did of course have lots of badaam kaaju kishmish etc. (Diwali leftovers, clearly) and smile/laugh politely when they asked me to get married and feigned interest in stories of how their kids have grown up and wavered between giving them aghast but just-the-right-amount of embarrassed looks and proudly puffing up my chest when they discussed what a shaitaan bachha I used to be and how syaana I have turned out and zzzzzz ....

All in all (or Net Net, as I learnt from Ka's blog) - a trip with everything (and more) I expected it to have.

Hai hai hai ...

2008-01-27T01:51:00.000-08:00

Sunil Shetty (or Suniel Shetty, as he calls himself now - numerology zindabad) has always creeped me out - it's difficult to pinpoint the exact reason, but I think it has to do with his Angelina Jolie-ish lips. While they look hot and sultry on her, he just looks like a botox shot gone wrong. However, since SFO sent me this song on Orkut, and preceded it with a message that said "with louuuuu", I decided to watch the whole thing, and what's more, review it too. Really, the things I do for my friends !!!

So let's get right to it, shall we ?

Right from the get-go, it is obvious that Sunil is the dude in the song. I present to you exhibits A through C - a jazzed up bike, the Top Gun glasses and that shirt (OH MY GOD .. that shirt !!!) with SO-DA printed in big bold letters (how far ahead of his time was he, anyways ... endorsing stuff on his Janpath shirt much before Shahrukh and Amitabh made it the in thing to do). Now if Sunil is the dude, there has to be a bouncy brunette to complement him - played with aplomb by Karishma. It should be clear to one and all that this movie was far before her Manish Malhotra days - as is evident in her choice of dresses and hairstyles, not to mention her make-up. Twenty seconds into the song, and there she emerges, in her golden zari vaala green suit, wavy hair and bouncing like a pogo stick on crack.

Now while it would seem natural to concentrate on her, I urge you to take a look at the surrounding artists (the "biryani packet" variety, as the flatmate calls them). Check out the been bajate huey guys, in multicolored dhoti kurtas, with those "tap-tap-tapori" vaale bandanas ... and not to be outdone, the yellow purple white and pink women behind Karishma, giving her stiff competition gyration for bloody gyration !!! ... these girls are gonna earn their moneys worth, yes sirrreee !!

Toh now its 25 seconds in and the front row people need to be given something to hoot about ... so LoLo tells Sunil .. "meri pappi lo .. lo" ... and then turns her head away just at the right moment. Such a tease !!

Saroj Khan (I'm assuming it was her ... sweating away in her mighty glory) raises her hands upto the Lord our God and tells the pair ... "Aise karo .. jhatka maaro .. haath uthao" ... as if she is some major gospel singer. Sunil, useless dancer that he is, can barely co-ordinate moving his lips (ughh .. those lips) while moving his feet, toh the hands toh are totally out of the question. "Fine", says Saroj, "tum pocket mein haath daal ke hiltey raho. Karuuu baby, double the jhatka, ok ?" ... and the first chorus begins. Go on, you know you wanna watch.

During the second part of the chorus, the director gets innovative and makes us look past Sunil by giving the background phattas these major dhols ... all color coordinated to match the yellow purple white pink women. Sach mein, quite tasteful.

Now at this point, I must admit, that while I don't much care for the lines of this song, I find the Hai Hukku Hai Hukku Hai Hai bit quite catchy, and am often found snapping my fingers to it. I really am quite old school.

Also, I simply must pause here and give a special mention to those three (and a half) pink women at 1 minute 20 seconds into the song. They're dancing quite well together, and their thumkas are a must see. Hai hai ...

1minute 37 seconds - virgin LoLo in a virginal white dress.

1 minute 42 seconds - second round of hoots from the front seaters.

I think this whole white dress (LoLo) black dress (Shetty) sequence was supposed to be kinda like a Radha-Krishan scene ... the bansuri in the backgrond, plus the women dressed up as gopis in their jhataak lehenga cholis is a clear give-away.

2 minutes in, and we see why the costume designer of the movie is today an out of work individual. Was Karishma going for the confused businesswoman look with that bun inside the red cap, accompanied by her Superman type latt, and the orange suit ... and what the hell is going on with the shirt Shetty is wearing ... ugly curtains, anyone ? I also just realized .. while his shirts have been going from bad to worse, his jeans have remained the same black pair. Chalo, after all, black goes with everything, yes ? No.

And what the fuck is going on with all the dhaplis in the park ? Yeh kaunsa garden hai ?? Bappi Laheri's backyard ?

Ab another minute and 15 seconds have passed, and Sunil has heard our plea ... but alas, he has decided to go from orange-black to an all blue look ... kinda like this year's Australian Open court. Karishma has decided that pinkish-orange goes marvelously with blue ... I'm guessing they were going for the setting sun in the sky effect. The women in the back have a yellow lehenga, but what really stands out is the topi thing on top ... very "hothon mein aisi baat", if you ask me.

And within a brief 30 seconds, the director decides to blind everyone. What else could explain the purple monstrosities that the two of them are made to wear ? But just as our eyes are closing up, we manage to see the horse drawn carriages passing thorough the scene as the song comes to a close, and wonder what in the world made us watch this rubbish in the first place. We curse SFO, and decide to delete all future scraps from him without analyzing the videos tucked within.

Hence proved

2008-01-23T12:49:00.000-08:00

Dorothy's post about life’s meaning and all that (or at least that's what I gathered it was about) made me think about the question she poses - what came first - the chicken or the egg ?

It's simple, really.

God (or a scientist, depending on your religious beliefs ... or lack of them, thereof), in His (or Her, if you so please ... doesn't really matter to me) infinite wisdom, and also so that I may one day answer the question, made them both at exactly the same time. This, needless to say, (but is still being said for those of you not quite as quick on the uptake) was done in heaven, there-by posing the problem of transportation of the two to Earth, seeing as how He had decided to create wildlife before elevators. So, He picked up the chicken, turned it around, and stuffed the egg up its ass; and threw it towards Earth. The chicken, dumb bird that it is (the only bird more dumb is the turkey), didn't realize what happened, flew down and crash landed on the ground (since it hadn’t ... and still hasn't ... quite perfected the art of flying, seeing as it had just been made), where-upon the egg popped safely out.

And, as the story goes, eggs have been popping out of chickens ever since.

Bad Decision No. 17

2008-01-23T09:47:00.000-08:00

Grow a beard.

The India Posts - III

2008-01-18T15:23:00.001-08:00

What rubbish, you hardly know me.

But I think I can tell.

Alright, shoot.

Some one who knows what he wants from his life or atleast appears to, some one who wants to be loved, yet is a little skeptical somewhere; an individual who doesn't want to be particularly tied down yet wants to be cared for... a sensible, mature person - at times maybe too pragmatic and at the cost of allowing yourself to dream and be creative ... and some one careful of where he treads. Also an individual for whom common courtesies are important...

Shit.

The India Posts - II

2008-01-18T15:23:00.000-08:00

The Indian Alphabet
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P R S T U V W X Y Z

Indian Geometry
Point triangle square rectangle circle rhombus angle ellipse

- Coz clearly, we don't fukkin know what a Q or a line is.

The India Posts - I

2008-01-18T15:10:00.000-08:00

December 13th, 2007

I'm 27 today. God, that's old. Now anyone who knows me even remotely well will agree that I'm a total attention whore, and I'm ok with that. But I've been "celebrating" my 27th birthday all by myself, surrounded by strangers at various airports, quite zonked out due to lack of sleep, and suffering from a cough, cold and fever.

So I guess it is now time for introspection (or, to introspect, as it were). I have 8 hours before I land in Delhi, this god awful plane does not have individual tv screens, I'm surrounded by boring people who are constantly trying to read what I'm writing (take that, you nosy uncle!), I've finished the book I had brought along, I'm feeling too sick to eat, I'm not sleepy, and I'm actually quite dreading this flight - hence , let me introspect, let me dig deep into my heart and my mind to figure out the various truths that a person at 27 should have figured out.

- complete silence -

Ok, this isn't going as well as I thought it would. I haven't had one frikkin epiphany - why am I here, where do I want to go, what do I want to do, and how does teflon stick to the pan?

Since none of the great truths are revealing themselves to me, and since the geek in me is still alive, I think I shall make a list of my goals for the next two years. I've thought about a few of them already, and they aren't as frivolous as my goals at 25 - thumb ring, blue hair ... err .. ok. Here goes ...

Not be single - Toh after a little over two years of being happily single, I think it is high time for me to make someone miserable. Plus it doesn't help that almost everyone I know or hang out with is either married, committed (as in a relationship, not in an asylum ... though God knows most of them need to be!!), or seeing someone. And while abhi there are still some cool singletons (yes, I'm trying to make myself feel better) around, I suspect that number is going to dwindle quite soon. Oh ... there's the bandwagon. *Jump*. I'm off to go shop for a personality.

Invest - I'm boring in life. I don't do the clubbing bit, or the pubbing bit, or the try new things all the time bit (matlab I do do all these now and then, but not really often), I don't shop, I don't do drugs, and I don't have any reason to send money anywhere. The only place I really do spend is when I travel, which I really enjoy (except for this damn 24 hour flight ... yuck!). As a result, I don't have much cause to spend. But since I am both dumb and lazy, my money is rotting away in a bank, and it's high time to invest. Which I shall.

Change career - I'll be honest ... I actually do like what I do, and I'm quite good at it, as previous posts of mine can attest to. Haan, modesty is my middle name. But I know this is not what I'm cut out to do. Toh what am I meant to do in life ? Sadly, I don't know (T, stop shaking your head in a disappointed fashion!!) ... I just know I don't wanna be doing what I'm doing now when I turn 40 (which, unfortunately, doesn't seem too far off!). So I'm going to spend the next couple of years figuring out and doing what I need to do. I wonder what I'd need to do to just sit on my ass all day. Oh yeah ... invest! ... which I haven't. Crap.

Take a trip - As I mentioned, traveling is fun. And after the trip to Europe this year, I am all the more enthu to see more of the world. If the friends who were there could be at other places too, nothing like it ... but if not, I'm sure I can find some other fun people to go with. I'll keep them drugged so they don't get sick of me *insert evil laughter*. So I think I shall try going to either one or more of the following places next year - Alaska (already have an offer), London (Wimbledon ... better ask flatmate what's happening with this), Cairo (I invited myself over to a colleague's wedding) and Australia (to check whether Kangaroos really do exist). Fun!!

Get an ab - Kung-Fu movies are great fun to watch. The fighters in them invariably have a six pack. I resolve to get atleast a one pack by the time 2008 is over. Currently, I'm less Bruce Lee and more Laughing Buddha. What if I started by turning bulimic ? No no no ... I hate the taste of puke. Ughhh.

Dress better - It really isn't my fault that I dress the way I do - comfortably unkempt. I was in a one-horse town in Maharashtra for four years, where we used to go to "hotels" in our hawai chappals. I currently work as a geek in a sea of engineers, and I think the only people who dress worse than us are the Olsen twins. Toh naturally I have no sense of style what-so-ever. Plus I have been majorly affected by Fab India shirts for the last three years (I have 34 of them ... I know ... I'll get a life when I'm out shopping for that personality). So I think it's time to take sis shopping in Delhi, and have a wardrobe upheaval.

Hmm .. not too bad a list, if I do say so myself. Oh lord, I think I just saw voyeuristic uncle nodding in approval !! Time to stop writing and give him a dirty look. Om shanti shanti.

The other side of the story

2008-01-10T13:03:00.000-08:00

"Officer, you have to help me", she said, hysterical with panic.

"Now now, Mrs. D.", said the officer, quite used to neurotic wives worried about their husbands - who, unfortunately, had more often than not found a younger tart to go off with. There's plenty of fish in the sea, the officer chuckled to himself.

"But officer," she continued, "I am fairly certain he was scared for his life. He kept saying he knew who was after him".

"Really", said the officer indulgantly. "And who, pray tell, might this person be? Having a name would surely get things moving, now wouldn't it?"

"Oh oh oh," she said, clearly straining her brain (a rather miniscule one for someone so large, thought the officer, a bit unkindly), "I don't quite know, but I think he is called 'The Smile'".

"The Smile? Now that's a strange name! And how long has your husband been missing?"

"He went away more than a month ago, and he's never away that long. Oh officer, you must help me. I have no where else to go."

He would normally have turned her away, but he noticed small tears forming around the corners of her eyes, tears that would normally have been lost in the surrounding, had it not been for his keen vision.

His heart melted a little bit.

"Very well, Mrs. D., so what is your husband's name?"

"Moby" ...

Shhh ... koi hai

2007-11-24T08:53:00.000-08:00

KNOCKKK ...

Huh ?? Is someone there ? Must have been a drea ... zzzz ...

KNOCKK ...

My eyes opened. I turned on the light. Looked around. No, no .. nothing. I guess I really was dreaming. I am quite tired, really. Light off.

KNOCKKKK ...

WHAT THE FUCK was that ??

One hand jumped to the light switch, the other grabbed the phone, while my spine did a dance all it's own. And to think people say I can't multitask !!

5:34 am. Shitt ... I've only slept for 4 hours, and now this crap is happening. Calm down, I tell myself. Calm down.

Two images jump into my head - one, a psycho killer waiting with a big ass knife inside the cupboard, toying with me right now ... ready to spring out at any moment. The second - one of those highly creepy deformed faces with a tiny body and big nails - sitting in my laundry basket.

I leave the light on and scamper across the bed to the table in my room, where I grab the crazy heavy metallic statue and hold it ready. Come on, bitch ... I growl at the closet .. I'm not going down without a fight.

Silence.

Perhaps it's someone outside the house, I try to convince myself. Shall I wake the flatmate up ? No, no point. Not yet.

I'm too scared to go back to sleep. I place the statue next to my pillow, and start reading Asimov once more. Please God ... don't let my room be haunted.

Tick tock tick tock ... silence. I'm through two stories.

KNOCKKKK ...

Fuck fuck fuckkity fuck. I realize what it means to jump with fear. I'm getting out of here. I grab the statue and my phone, and leap out of bed. Suddenly (and perhaps foolishly), I decide to fight. I kick the closet. No response. Slowly, I slide one of the doors open, ready to attack.

Nothing. I peek in - no psycho, no evil dwarf. A little disappointing, actually.

What the hell is making this sound, I ask myself. Is it the neighbors above ? Highly doubtful. But it isn't my imagination - it's definitely there.

Bloody hell. It is a ghost. I'm convinced.

I leave the closet door open, turn on all the lights in my room, open the door and turn on the light in the hall. I'm getting ready to be possessed by Edison's ghost, perhaps.

I get back into bed. Continue to read. Damn it's hot in here, I realize. I go out and turn off the central heating. And it hits me.

You stupid fool ... those loud knocks was the wood of the closet creaking. It's not a totally convincing argument, considering I've heard wood creak before, and it's never as loud as what I heard; but that's the only one I can think of which will not make me wake up the flatmate; and risk him killing me before anything else does. I leave the room door open to normalize the temperature. I decide to discuss it with the flatmate once he's up.

It's been 2 hours. There are no more knocks. I'm not sleepy. I'm also not scared any more.

The statue is right next to me, just in case.

All for love

2007-11-22T16:20:00.000-08:00

Are you sure, Ms. Ro...
Yes, doctor. Please, let's get started.

She sat on seat 4A, looking out the window, her eyes taking in the countryside as the train sped ahead, but her mind was still two days in the past, when she had attended his funeral. There weren't too many people present - just her, his friend David, their landlady, and his supervisor. His parents couldn't make it - his dad had been hospitalized the moment he had heard the news.

She remembered him telling her how his family had lost his sister, Annabelle, many years ago; and how did father's health had taken a toll for the worse ever since. And here she was, on her way to hand over the last of his possessions to them ... well, she had kept a few things back - stuff that would remind her of the two wonderful years they had spent together.

She was apprehensive, of course, since she had neither met nor spoken to his folks ... but she knew this was something she had to do, however awkward it might feel. He always said he spoke about her every time he telephoned his parents, and they had always been eager to meet her. If only it could have been under more pleasant circumstances.

The train chugged along, and she remembered the trip the two of them had once taken. To the Swiss Alps. Where they had made love in their private train compartment. And she had woken up to find him smiling at her, and he had handed her a Polaroid picture he had taken a few moments before - his face next to hers, under which he had scribbled "Sam and Adam" and made a tiny little heart. That was one of the reasons she had fallen for him, and loved him so much. He seemed to understand her better than any other man ever had - both inside and outside the bedroom. Somehow, he just knew the things that would make her happy - however small they might be.

The slowing down on the train brought her back to the present. She had arrived. She steeled herself, and took a cab to his house. Thankfully, David had called ahead and let them know of her arrival.

"Yes?", said the lady from behind the screen door, and she immediately knew she was at the right place - she could almost see Adam in that face.

"Hello, I'm Sam," she said, trying to make her voice sound as friendly as possible.

The old lady seemed confused.

"Sam? You're Sam?”

"Yes," she replied, "it's actually short for Samantha. David must have called you."

A sudden shadow passed over the lady's face. She opened the door and stepped out.

"I think there is something you need to know. I had two children. One died more than ten years ago ... taken away from us sooner than was right. The other left us almost three years ago. The only time I ever heard my child was safe was when I received a letter from David, whom our family has known much before he became the surgeon he is today. He was also the one who took care of all the formalities related to the death."

"I'm sorry, I don't understand."

The old lady shuffled off inside, and returned with a piece of paper, which she handed over.

She took it, and her eyes managed to run over the lines even as her vision started to become blurry.

This certifies the time of death of Adam Robinson to be 11:43 pm. Cause of death - kidney failure. Surviving relatives - Alex Robinson (father), Dora Robinson (mother), and Annabelle Robinson (sister).

We're meant to be

2007-11-18T10:07:00.000-08:00

The judge walked into the courtroom.

All rise, boomed a baritone, and I felt myself do so. Mr. Zibaldini, my lawyer, cleared his throat. I heard someone sniff behind me, and felt good knowing that she was near.

I remember the first time I saw her. We were returning from a cocktail party, and I had bumped into her in the doorway. Somehow, at that very moment, I knew that things would change. I had been married for six years, and apart from the small fights that are a part of every household, I was happy - happy to have married my high school sweetheart, happy with the intimacy we shared, and happy with both my kids. My kids, who I'm glad are not present here today.

This is case number twenty-sixty-six, said a voice, Robbins versus Stempler.

I honestly do not recall how or when I met her next, but I know that I had to continue to see her. Perhaps I ran into her at another party, or maybe at the gas station - all I knew was that she aroused in me feelings I had never felt before. Both she and I understood that we would never be able to be together - I loved my family too much. And yet, every time I would leave her apartment after having spent the night, I felt guilty - not at the thought of having lied to people I knew were awaiting my arrival at home, but because I did not know when would I be able to wake up next to her again.

Strangely, the divorce did not hurt as much as I thought it would. I tried to analyze the reasons that made my marriage fail, but I guess it is too early to do so. Frankly, I knew all along how this would end. Well, end for my family, because she and I are still together, hoping to start a new life. Two years of deceit later, here now I sit, waiting to fight it out to be the primary guardian of my kids, whom, contrary to what anyone might say, I still love with all my heart.

Are you the mother of Zac - age 5, and Tiara - age 3, the judge asks.

I am, I reply.

Thoughts in the shower III

2007-11-16T17:10:00.000-08:00

One two ... cha cha cha
Let's do ... cha cha cha
Me and you ... cha cha cha
Ooooooooooooo ....

- I wonder if Usha Uthup sang this as a signal for women to have sex with Nehru ?!?

- The mirror is such a strange thing - on different days it can make you feel absolutely great, and totally miserable about yourself !!

- If I had tusks instead of my dracula canine teeth, I could easily pass for a walrus!!

- Wait ... what ? Friday ? What the hell ? Abhi toh Monday thha !! Where is my life going ?

I feel it in my fingers

2007-11-15T23:36:00.000-08:00

The flatmate has been back five times in the last five years. My number is two. What I never understood about him was the excitement that used to take him over a couple of months before each trip. It was almost like that was pretty much the only thing he could think about - it was genuine happiness. Now while I love my family and friends and country as much as the next guy, and have always been enthusiastic to go back (the first time was my first trip back after having been saat samundar paar - hence the enthu; and the second time was T and S's wedding - so naturally I was super excited, though I don't see why - seeing as neither of them was getting married to me ... though, as T's sis - Ka, sneakily remarked when I was sitting next to him in the shaadi ka mandap during some ceremony - "this could just as well be"!!!), it's never been the same as the flatmate.

Until now.

I'm not even going to get into how time has flown and all that, but it has been two and a half years since I've been back; which is the longest that I have ever been away from home; and I've finally understood what the expression - "to feel it in your bones" - means. My want to go back is no longer an emotional or psychological desire - it's an actual physical need. No, this does not mean I have some strange disease that needs to be treated in India. What it means is that the yearning to be back in India is so strong that I actually feel if I don't get there soon, I'm going to fall sick or something. A tad dramatic, agreed - but it really is difficult to put into words. This is the first time I feel I would not want to come back, the first time I'm afraid I'm actually going to cry at the airport - both when I land and when I'm taking off. Even as I type this out, it already seems a bit strange to me ... and yet I know this trip back is going to be both the happiest, and the toughest, ever.

Stuff I'm looking forward to I

2007-11-11T10:19:00.000-08:00

- Spinach baked that mom makes
- T and S coming to Delhi
- Piks coming to Delhi as well
- The daal pakoras at Lajpat Nagar
- Spending sis's money on my clothes
- Crowds
- K's wedding
- Meeting AJ
- Christmas party at T's place (I better be called .. well, I'm going even if I'm not)
- Drinks with B
- The Delhi winter (for some reason, the song "dilli ki sardi" just popped into my head)
- Riding the metro
- Autos
- The clawwny aunties saying "Beta, have a roti" :)

Umm .. they are the future ?

2007-11-09T11:46:00.000-08:00

Kids, by and large, are an extremely fidgety lot. But something happens to them as soon as they enter a holy place. Perhaps it has to do with the inherent evil that resides in their innocent little faces. Think I'm over-reacting ? Remember Damien in Omen, when the car is going past the church? I rest my case.

The reason I am making this astute observation is because I was at the mandir yesterday, where there was a puja and stuff on account of Diwali, and so the married strata of the desi society here had brought themselves (and their chintus and pinkis) to the temple. As a result, there were far more kids than usual, and each and every one of them was losing it - I don't know whether it was the smell of the agarbattis and camphor, the chanting, the other kids, the sugar in the diwali mithais, or the wide open space (or, as I mentioned earlier, Beelzebub’s influence) - but every damn whelp there was causing some sort of mayhem. Allow me to elaborate ...

(Since I am a geeky engineer and like to make random lists to kill time, I shall divide the hooligans into categories. What fun!!)

Set 1 - Kids who loooove to stare at people, for no apparent reason. The persons in question certainly do not have horns coming out of their heads, or a tail from their posterior, or have hooves for feet, or all three (in which case, I am certain, all the children would probably fall to their knees in reverence); but these urchins stare at you like they've never seen a normal human being before. And it isn't a cursory glance .. it's a full blown I-will-stare-till-you-make-a-face-in-my-direction-when-my-folks-arent-looking kind of look, at which time they burst into tears as soon as you comply. These kids need to have a sack over their heads.

Set 2 - The kinds who will probably grow up to be druggies, as is apparent from the way they are hogging on the sugar. It isn’t even in the form of a chocolate or something ... it's pure sugar!!! And they're having mouthfuls of it ... the only way it could get into their system faster was if they were to snort the damn thing, naturally, after making a coke line out of it. I think Pete Doherty is an inspiration to these burdens on society. And as you may have guessed, all that sugar leads to them playing hide and seek with no one in particular - they basically start running around the legs of all the people present, probably trying to get away from that colorful monster that’s chasing them and only them. Fire department water hose for them, is what I say.

Set 3 - Aaah, here come the Nadia Comanecis of tomorrow. These agile little darlings love to show off their cart wheeling skills, not realizing that they're landing straight into the laps of people who are trying to pray. Can you imagine - you've got your eyes closed, asking God for a Sony Wii, and suddenly you feel something heavy land into your lap ... you open your eyes, hoping to make the evening news with the information that miracles do indeed happen, and instead are horrified by some child giggling away like the little fool that he is, about to scamper off to re-perform his award winning jump (perfect 10s, really); while you barely have time to deflect his legs away from your prized possessions. Ugh ... where is the rope ?

Set 4 - These kids are either starved for toys, or have rather stiff dolls, since they assume the murtis in the temple are their play things. Of course, this leads to them trying to climb onto the marble pedestals, while the pujari rushes forward to stop the vibhuti from flying all over the place (which, by the way, you may have been hoping to get), right after it's been kicked by the scamps, but alas, by then it is far too late. What ensues is the pujari throwing a highly ungodly look at the child, whipping him or her off the murti and trying to shoo it away. Needless to say, he is highly unsuccessful, because, let's face it, what can a single guy do against a whole set of marauding morons?

Set 5 - These, actually, are not kids at all; but parents who think that their mistakes should be allowed to bug one and all just so that they can get away from the whiners for a little bit. Well, excuse me, but is you were too cheap to buy a condom that works, it's only fair that you suffer. What really gets my goat is that these Britney-ish parents don’t even care to discipline their child. They just let them run amok, to make everyone else’s life a living hell as well (even if it is for those few minutes while you're actually inside the temple). They really need some parenting lessons. I think I see a lucrative business here, where-by cool singletons can buy gift certificates to give to these irresponsible parents, as a Diwali gift !!

Of course I love kids. Doesn't everyone ? Why do you ask ?

Archies has always said it best!

2007-11-07T19:34:00.000-08:00

They're in season now

2007-11-03T09:31:00.000-07:00

It wasn't that I didn't remember her, it was that I did. She had an unremarkable face, and had I not noticed her biting down into a strawberry, my eyes would probably have looked right through her; as most of our eyes are wont to do. But there was something about that mouth that brought back a flood of memories, from a time twelve years ago that I thought I had managed to suppress.

I tried to look away, but all I could do was stare at her across the restaurant, transported back to that cruise I had taken, on which I had met a a small group of doctors, all looking to have a good time. And a good time we certainly did have, until we all went to explore an island; and the three of us - she, her male companion, and I; got lost in the jungle. For almost a year after we were rescued, I would try and re-create the scene to figure out how we could have wandered off so far that even a weeks worth of searching (or so the others told us) had yielded no results; at which time we were assumed dead and the ship had sailed away. But it was useless to think of that ... for I knew that all those other thoughts were tied into this one, and so I had stopped.

She bit down no another strawberry, and something her friend said made her laugh. How strange it was, that that laughing face would not have reminded me of her, but those lips did. Why, I asked myself, and then tried with all my will not to answer.

After two weeks of living on whatever rain water we could gather, we had all but given up hope. The island, though lush, had refused to give us any food. Death was near, and there was no way we could out run it. I still remember, it was early in the morning that I felt those drops falling on me, and I managed to open my eyes, and ...

I noticed her pick up another piece and bite down on it. It must have been quite juicy, because I saw her lick her lips.

... I saw her lick her lips. She looked energized, her eyes sparkled, and she held out her hand and offered me a piece. Perhaps I was too slow to respond, but she raised her hand to her mouth, and bit down. I managed to turn my head some more, and saw her tearing open his lifeless body.

Chaii-yaa, chaii-yaaa, kaaa-pi

2007-11-02T18:03:00.000-07:00

I've traveled by train - a lot. All classes. As kids, daddy dearest would take us out for a vacation every summer and winter, but we usually flew. Most of my train travel happened when I was in college for four years, and was returning back home every month - yes, that's correct, apart from April and May, when we had exams, I was at home every single month - so much so that the first time I did not return for some sixty days or so, Piks sent me a message that read "You have not been back for two months. My mom thinks you are dead. Is that true?"

So as you might gather, I am a seasoned traveler. I've done the whole bit - got in without a ticket and got caught (which actually worked out great, coz Pops (not dad, the other Pops) and I were taken to the head TCs compartment (AC, two tier) and spent the time from Chandrapur to Nagpur (roughly 3 hours) discussing random stuff with him, of course, after telling him how we didn’t have the time to buy the ticket since the train was leaving, and we're so looking forward to seeing our families whom we haven’t seen in ages (yeah, we lied - oh stop judging us), at which time we were let go with a warning of "phir se mat karnaa blah blah pedantic speech chatter chatter"), sat with hijras and discussed random hindi movie stuff, tasted every flavor of Top Ramen there is, been stuck at stations that were quite literally one horse (well, one-goat) towns for hours at end, fallen in love with the vada pao and chai at stations, sat on the train steps and seen the dark shadows of the countryside go by, stood on the steps and felt the air on my face, along with that occasional spurt of water that you fervently hope is not from the loo, grimaced at the afore-mentioned loo, woken up to the sweet sweet sound of someone loudly and continuously ejecting phlegm from their throat, roamed the various bogies looking for that one "hot babe", and waited ... and waited ... and waited some more for trains that eventually showed up four score and twenty years (ok, slight exaggeration there) later.

And between all of this, the one thing that has remain unchanged is that voice - the voice I have heard without exception on each and every one of my journeys - the lady on the speaker system informing people about how some train has either been delayed (resulting in a collective groan from the people on the platforms), or cancelled (resulting in a collective groan from the people on the platforms, followed by them sitting their asses down with a big thump), or decided to change platforms (resulting in a collective groan from the people on the platforms, moving their thump-ed asses and running helter skelter to get to the damn train before it leaves); and each and every single time, her voice has held the deepest conviction when she says ... "The inconvenience caused is deeeeeeeply regretted" ... and I have always wondered ... if it is in fact a cause of such profound regret, why then have I heard her so often ?

Learn it ... waaannn ... I don't want to :(

2007-10-30T23:36:00.000-07:00

I was at a book sale today, and bought some stuff for my nieces and nephews. What can I say - I'm just an all around nice guy. There was a book about the movie "Cars" with a small projector that came with it, a "Learn Your First Words" book with a little stuffed lion (which I am quite tempted to keep - even though I dislike stuffed toys ... except if they're monkeys - as you may recall, I seem to have a fascination for all things monkey ... I wonder why!!?!!), and a couple of others. In any case, while going through those books, I was thinking of my own childhood (which, contrary to what people might say, has ended), and I was reminded of a horror that I suffered when I was young, and which, I am certain, is shared by hordes of other children too! Hence, I think it is my civic duty to make you ~~all~~ both aware of a danger that has been, and continues to be, prevalent in our society for a very very long time now. It is something so subtle, and yet so scary, that we have all fallen under it's influence without even realizing it. It preys on our sub-conscious all the time, and we just go and delve deeper into it !! The sad thing is that when this horror envelopes our mind, we are both too young and far too helpless to do anything about it. It is our parents who force this hidden terror into us ... maybe because they have it within them ... and do not even know it. We try to resist, but to no avail. We think of purging it when we grow up ... but by then .... it is too late !!!

As you may have guessed, the thing I am talking about ... the thing that is most definitely the cause of children screaming in the night .... the thing that is so sinister that it makes us repeat itself time and time again, without us even wanting to ... the thing that all parents should be made aware of ... this devil, this evil, this this this ... errrr ... crime ... has a name, and it's called - a nursery rhyme !!!

Haan ... toh now before I begin to describe in detail as to how nursery rhymes have been scaring children for centuries, let me ask you to go ahead and tell your kids, nephews, nieces, colony ke bachhey etc. to go and tear out anything in their school books that is even remotely related to these innocent looking poems. I think it is high time for me to expose nursery rhymes for what they really are .. Satan's weapon to control the minds of young innocent children ... minds that would most certainly become warped after being subjected to this seemingly innocuous torture ... here it is then - the truth behind nursery rhymes - one rhyme at a time ... (Hey !! That rhymed !!)

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down
And broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after.

What the hell is this ??!! Not only is this rhyme scary as hell to a little child, it also teaches them incorrect scientific facts !! Water is almost never found at the top of a hill ... wells are dug at the foot of a mountain, mainly because a river flows down ... you know, gravity and all that. And can you imagine a small boy, wanting more than anything to become a mountain climber, perhaps to impress his lady love (that would be Jill) ... who then hears how one's head can be shattered due to the fall, and his dreams are lost forever ... and ... and ... oh ... I cannot go on !!

But, I must.

If you do want your young ones to learn about the exploits of Jack and Jill, then tell them this instead ...

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
They had some whiskey
Felt quite frisky
And came back with a daughter.

Can you imagine the number of lessons in this rhyme now ? Firstly, there isn't any violence ... peace to all mankind !! Secondly, you've already instilled in them the confidence that you are always open to the idea of having the "talk about the birds and the bees" with them, thereby serving another purpose ... you being considered a "cool" parent !! Thirdly, you are promoting the importance of a girl child ... something very important in India today. And finally, you've already warned them about the dangers of drinking too much !!

Let's move on ...

Baa, baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?

Need I go further ?? Aren't these two lines more than enough to want you to cover your child's ears ?!? Think about it - a 'black' sheep ??!! What sort of scary dreams are your kids going to have ?!? The next time they come to your room, their cheeks dirty with tears, and tell you they cannot sleep ... do not ask them to count sheep ... at least not if you've taught them this rhyme !!! Put yourself in the kid's place for a moment - you're alone in your bed at night ... it's pitch black all around you ... and suddenly ... huge black sheep (with shiny red eyes, no doubt !!) start jumping over a fence !!! ... and then they are all sheared off of their wool ... and their cries grow louder and louder ... and louder ... and then ... there is silence. You might as well make them watch 'Silence of the Lambs' before they go to bed !!

This little pig went to the market.
This little pig stayed home.
This little pig had roast beef.
This little pig had none.
This little pig cried "Wee, wee, wee, wee!"
All the way home.

Don't even get me started on these pigs !! This rhyme only teaches young children three horrible lessons ... "To separate from each other" - why couldn't both the pigs have gone together, why do they not like company ... "To not share your food" - and even more so, imagine being told that one animal ate another animal, and that too after roasting it - do you want young children to try something similar and play with fire !!??!! .... and horrible lesson three is ... "To be a cry baby" - why does the last pig have to cry all the way to home, why can't he be brave and fend for himself ?? I'm sure some stupid pig must have written this rhyme.

Goosey, goosey, gander,
Whither shall I wander?
Upstairs, and downstairs,
And in my lady's chamber.

There I met an old man
Who wouldn't say his prayers!
I took him by the left leg
And threw him down the stairs.

Hullo ?!?!? Everyone needs to be taught about privacy, and this rhyme does the exact opposite. You cannot simply wander about anywhere you so please ... and specially not into a lady's chamber !!! But that isn't the real reason for this rhyme being evil. Look at the second stanza ... pure unadulterated violence !! That stupid goose threw an old man off the stairs simply because he wouldn't say his prayers !! Not only is this rhyme forcing you to worship God through prayer, but it is telling you that you are going to suffer the worst consequences if you don't !! Which religious fundamentalist group wrote this, I would like to know.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again!

If I recall correctly, Humpty bhai-sahab is one huge EGG !! Now firstly, how did an egg manage to climb up a wall, I'll never understand. But even if it did, how high was the goddamn wall that Humpty had a 'great' fall ?? Where was he ... in China ? And if he did fall from a great height, so much so that all the king's horses and men ... errr ... how vela is this king anyway, that he is sending all his people to fix a stupid egg - I'm sure his kingdom was soon lost ... anyways, as I was saying ... if Humpty fell hard on the floor, and cracked ... can you imagine the amount of yolk all around ?? Yuck. How confused would a child get when he tries to re-create the poem on the kitchen floor by smashing an egg on it, and gets slapped for it ... or even worse, gets sent to his room - and is asked to count sheep and sleep off !!! .... and finally - which pervert came up with the name 'Hump'ty 'Dump'ty ??! Chheee.

Hush-a-bye, baby,
in the tree top.
When the wind blows,
the cradle will rock.
When the bough breaks,
the cradle will fall,
And down will come baby,
cradle and all.

Which twisted psychopath wrote this one ??!! You're actually telling a toddler to hush and go to sleep ... but the catch is that the poor thing is on top of a frikkin tree !!! And what's more - his cradle isn't even stable !! A mighty wind is blowing ... all set to fling the child towards the earth ... and not only is the child going to fall, but in all probability, the cradle is going to come crashing onto him !! How'd the child get on top of the tree in the first place ?? Was this rhyme written exclusively for Tarzan's child or what ? And then parents wonder as to why their child cries before he is put to sleep. Wake up, folks !!

It's raining, it's pouring;
The old man is snoring.
Bumped his head
And he went to bed
And he couldn't get up in the morning.

Errr ... excuse me ... but did we just tell a child that someone died !!!??!!! What happened to the old man - did he get pneumonia after he slept out in the rain ? And was there no one to help him get up later on, that he managed to bang his head ? Why didn't someone ask him if he needed any medicine before he went to bed ? Has the old soul been abandoned by his 'near and dear' ones in his time of need ? Is this what we want the future of our nation to learn ??!

Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey;
Along came a spider,
Who sat down beside her
And frightened Miss Muffet away.

Can you really blame children if they develop a fear of arachnids after reading this rhyme ? All the spider did was come and sit down besides Muffet .... why in the world did she have to get frightened ? The spider didn't even say "Boo" ... for all we know, the poor spider might have come down to have a bit of a chat, or maybe even to ask Muffet is she'd like to spice up her curds and whey with some fly remains from yesterday !! But Muffet decided to run away ... thereby instilling in children the false belief that spiders are evil !! Has anyone complained about this sissy Muffet girl to the "Society for Protection of Spiders" ... or at least to Spiderman, at any rate ?? At the very least, this rhyme should come with the disclaimer that Muffet was a stupid cowardly little girl, who probably deserved to fall off the mountain instead of hamaari pyaari Jill behen !!

London Bridge is falling down,
Falling down, Falling down.
London Bridge is falling down,
My fair lady.

Once again, need I say more ? The rhyme just managed to kill off thousands of people !! London bridge, apart from being a site of historical importance, is one of the busiest places in London ... (Errr ... totally made up fact, but it just might be true !!). Should a child be subjected to this atrocity of a rhyme ??!! Think of the horrible scenarios a child's mind might create ... Was the bridge architecturally unsound ? Has a terrorist attack happened ?? Have aliens actually decided to take over our planet ? Is the government doing anything to protect the people there ? And why in God's name is some idiot singing it out to some fair lady ??

Bas ... ab I must stop ... all this is too much for me !! My memory isn’t what it used to be, but I remember reading that Ring-a Ring-a roses is actually about plague and death !! Why in the world are children being taught this when they are so young ? I am certain that every nursery rhyme has some deep rooted evil within it, and urge you all to protect your children from this irreversible harm.

Namaskar and Jai hind !!

Samaj-sewak GG

Yeh fashion ke naye rang hain ...

2007-10-19T16:08:00.000-07:00

I have SO much to say about each and every second of this video ... seriously, every shot is such a gold mine of comments!! But I'm not going to. I'm sure everyone has their own favorite bit. I will, however, admit that I have in fact seen this movie, and even remember that towards the end they have this whole "making of" video. How very Rush hour of them.

Youtube doesn't seem to have the other song from this movie, which in my opinion is a total classic. I think I shall write down some lines right here -

Yeh faaaeesshuuunnn ke naye rang hainnnn
Nayaa hai yeh zamaanaaaa
Oooo OOO oooo OO ooooo ...

Lipstick powder aur cream
Mere liye laana
Oooo OOO oooo OO ooooo ...

Main bhi faaaeesshuuunnn karoongaa
Michael Jackson banooongaa!!

Mere liye laanaaaaaaa
pyaar ka khazaaanaaaa!!

Yeh faaaeesshuuunnn ke naye rang hainnnn
Nayaa hai yeh zamaanaaaa
Oooo OOO oooo OO ooooo ...

How can that not make everyone want to break out into an interpretive dance!!

And we meet again

2007-10-16T23:47:00.000-07:00

I imagine the feelings of two people meeting again after many years. In the past they spent some time together, and therefore they think they are linked by the same experience, the same recollections. The same recollections? That's where the misunderstanding starts: they don't have the same recollections; each of them retains two or three small scenes from the past, but each has his own; their recollections are not similar; they don't intersect; and even in terms of quantity they are not comparable: one person remembers the other more than he is remembered; first because memory capacity varies among individuals (an explanation that each of them would at least find acceptable), but also (and this is more painful to admit) because they don't hold the same importance for each other.

Ignorance, by Milan Kundera

1000s of words on moving day

2007-10-10T23:53:00.000-07:00

The flatmate and I moved from Manhattan to Brooklyn last month - or the equivalents for San Diego - from La Jolla to Mira Mesa. The rent - it was the rent. Yeah, both of us - cheap bastards.

It began with us dismantling his flowery bed. I don't know ... guess he feels like a little princess when he is on it. Wait, that explains the queen size bed !!

Mine was simpler - I just had to pull the sheet off my bed. King size. Just like Jackie Shroff asked me to live life.

Step 3 - scrounging for boxes and trash bags. No problemo.

"Yo ... flatty", said I, "don't forget to pack up your guitar. I'm sure you will suddenly get enthu-ed up to play it in the new apartment, which will cause me endless suffering till you learn to play the damn thing properly".

I'm quite clairvoyant-ish.

"Yo ... fatty", said he, "ditto on the keyboard you'll never play".

Hmm ... he isn't bad at predictions either!

The flatmate was being his usual productive self.

So was I.

Oh the T ? It says "Sex ... I'm two people short of a threesome". I've got a lots of such Ts, but that specific one is for night time wearing. Yes, the sting of irony is not lost on me either.

Inspired by his dhobi, the flatmate says voila!

Well, at least I have my most important box all done.

Hokay, let's tackle the living room and the kitchen.

How the hell did we ever collect all this junk ?

One of those papasan chairs is actually broken, but since they were bought together, one cannot be thrown without the other. Janam janam ka saath kinds.

After what seemed like ages, even I managed to get done.

And here we are ... the view from my new room ... where I see myself spending many voyueristic hours in the near future :)

Call me a judgmental bitch, but ...

2007-10-10T20:03:00.000-07:00

I met one of my foundry contacts today - this guy who is my counterpart in one of the foundries that I work with - which means that he essentially does similar work in his company as I do in mine. We had been interacting via email and phone for over a year now, and I had formed a mental image of him. I pictured him to be a Hispanic guy (because of his name), slightly under-confident and slow on the uptake (just from his responses over the last year), hard working, and about my age - well, perhaps a bit older since he is a senior engineer, which is one level above me, but no more than 30.

It turns out that I was right about it all, except his age. I didn't get the figure wrong - 30 was correct - if you were talking about the number of years he has been with the same company. As impressed as I was that someone would stick to the same job for thirty whole years, I couldn't help but wonder what it might have been that made him totally lose ambition to rise up in his career, and if I too would become like that one day - a senior engineer after working in the same position for thirty years!!!

Even government offices promote you faster.

Akele ho?

2007-10-09T18:57:00.000-07:00

I was in the middle of a meeting today, with almost my entire team present; and as I was explaining to them how the schedule was completely unreasonable to meet the tapeout deadline, and projecting my plan on the big ass screen, (while simultaneously glaring at my boss to chime in and back me up - which he did - I love him!!!), up popped this buxom blonde, wearing a very tight white t-shirt which gave one and all an ample view of her silicone implants, with her right index finger parting her lips just the right amount - which made her seem sexy but not bulimic, standing over a jazzy caption which informed me (and my entire team) that we all didn't have to be alone tonight, when we could easily "get with" the ladies at adultfriendfinder.com.

I have finally contacted IT to take care of the fukkin adware in my comp.

Shoo, you stupid cow!

2007-10-09T14:43:00.000-07:00

Here I am, barely able to type right now, on account of feeling like a damn sardine on this AA flight from New York. I've flown a number of airlines in the past, but American Airlines is most certainly one of the most ghatiya of the lot ... the leg room is highly insufficient, the seats are smaller than other economy flights, even some of the seats have rips in them. Yuck. But since there is some random CBS report about a lady who used to write about the environment being shown on the TV screen, I'd rather kill my time doing this.

Speaking of American, Americans (yeah I know - nice segue), for the most part, are a very friendly lot. But every now and then, you either meet, or see, someone whom you can barely resist the urge to slap. In my experience, these are usually white Americans, in their late 50s to mid 60s, mostly women (sure, call me sexist if you want, but 4 times out of 5, it's a woman), probably someone who grew up with a fixed set of ideas, and has never been able to break that mould, and mostly with enough money, but just short of the amount they would have liked to have. Also, they almost always have an "Americanized" name like Beth or Ruth. I'm sure I was Freud in a past life.

The reason that I am being so analytical is because I saw one such lady, with her hen-pecked hubby, while I was getting on to the flight. And surprise surprise, her name turned out to be Judy - I snuck a look at her boarding card. So Judy, apparently, tried to get an upgrade; but since she had initially bought an economy ticket, she couldn't sit in business class since they were out of seats. Norah (a very rich - clearly old money, and very hippie - hair colors included jet black, a bit of blonde, a little bit of purple, and some brown - lady), also about the same age as Judy, did book a business class seat, and so she was allowed to board before everyone else, which she didn't ... perhaps she got late or something.

So here everyone is, waiting in line to board, when Judy loudly proclaims - "Ohhh ... "we" should have gotten on when they announced priority boarding." ... perhaps thinking herself to be Moses and expecting everyone to part like the Red Sea, allowing Norah, and apparently herself (since they were there together) to go on ahead. Norah said that that wasn't a problem, and that she didn't mind standing in line just like everyone else. Judy thought this was quite below her, and had she managed to upgrade, she would not have had to stand with the little people. Perhaps in a haze of superiority, she cut right in front of this other American woman, almost hitting her with her travel bags. Well, this woman was not having any of it, and asked Judy to "wait your turn and not be so rude". It was awesome to hear the chuckles all around !!

So back went poor Judy, looking chastised, while Norah walked on ahead of her, clearly not wanting to have anything to do with the old tart. I guess there is a moral to this story, but I can't be bothered to think about it right now. I'm just hoping Judy creates a scene when we get off as well ... more fodder for the blog.

Airports really are such fun places!

My trip to NYC

2007-10-07T22:23:00.000-07:00

It's 12:27 in the morning, and I'm semi-lying down on the futon in N's apartment, while he is taking out guttural sounds, much like the Loch Ness monster. While I have been kept awake by those same reverberations in the past (a part of the Euro-trip which I have tried hard to block out), they are not the reason I am awake. He dozed off a while back, and I was hoping to catch the episode of Brothers and Sisters that I missed this evening ... since the two of us were walking on Brooklyn bridge - which, by the way, I had never done before - and also not seen a number of places in all my previous trips here - I have no idea what the hell I've done each time that I've been back ... but stupid ABC hasn't put it up on their website yet. So here I am, awake, and writing.

This trip to NYC has been like many other in the past, where I have stayed at N's place - I always tell him that the reason I fly across the country is to visit him - though the real reason is that I absolutely love being in this city, and find a great place to stay in his apartment - which, of course, costs me nothing, except that I have to listen to his sarcastic remarks all day long (and yes, I totally enjoy those), but since I have no qualms about making like a bird and going (being) cheap cheap (ok, bad joke), I'd rather stay here than spring on a hotel. Needless to say, his invite to come visit me in SD is always open, but since I know he believes he will self destruct any time he steps even an inch west of Chicago, there is hardly any possibility of him showing up at my doorstep - baggage and caustic tongue in hand.

So as I was saying, the trip, as always, has been quite a lot of fun. I've clearly gotten a lot of things "out of my system" - his words, not mine - which include Ethiopian food at Awash, the pastries at Veniero's, falafel at that place on 6th street (my God ... food food food ... little wonder that I'm turning into a frikkin whale), walking through both the East and West village ... and looking at Carrie Bradshaw's house on Perry street - which, needless to say, was in his system, not mine ... hanging out at Washington square - which we will be returning to tomorrow morning, to have the dosas from the dosa-cart uncle, having hot chocolate at the Bald Man shop, and walking through SoHo - which I've done a few time before, but is always fun to do. We also went and watched Superbad, and I have no clue why it's a must watch movie - it's funny in parts, but I wouldn't really recommend it to people. Oh well - not too much a waste of time, though. Plus I got some of my work, which I really needed to get done, done - so I can be at peace when I take the day off tomorrow - well, today, now.

And of course, we've talked. About everything under the sun. I know he needed to, and I'm glad he did. I've never been one to sugarcoat what I say - especially to my friends, and it has been the same over the last two days. I don't know whether any of what I said made sense, but I'm hoping there was at least something substantial in all the rubbish that comes out of my mouth. Even as I write this here, I realize that there is so much more I wanted to say ... have wanted to for some time now ... but I guess there will be a time and a place for that.

And one thing that he said stuck with me, and got me thinking enough to write this post. Man ... I sure know how to go on and on and on without getting to the damn point.

"Gaurav, I've come to realize that while you should have a bigger picture in mind, it is SO important to live in the present. If you've been meaning to do something, then do it. Don't wait to do it tomorrow - if there is nothing stopping you from doing it now, then why wait ? We need to spend less time thinking about how things could have been, or how things will be in the future, and start focusing on what we have today, what we are doing now."

It wasn't what he said, it was how he said it. It made me think of the list I made two years back - that list of 10 things I wanted to do before my 27th birthday.

Bungee jump
Sky diving
Tried substitute teaching
Learnt to play the piano properly
Would be ready to take the GMAT
Would have taken a cruise/trip
Would have a new hairstyle, and colored hair
Will get a thumb ring
Would have participated in a play
Would be involved in some volunteer work

Two months to go, and I’m at five out of ten. Well, not exactly. I did learn the piano, and did start to study for the GMAT, and even went and got my hair shaved - but honestly, all those half-assed attempts don't really count. And what is it that has stopped me from doing the rest ? Honestly, I don't know. Each of those things could have been quite easily done. They just haven't. I also thought about things I think about doing quite regularly, and then think how tomorrow would be a good day to start - going to the beach, going for a jog, dieting, being more proactive about not being single, planning (at least broadly) my future, practicing the piano, reading more that I do, investing, trying harder to stay in touch with people ... the list could go on and on.

I don't even have an iota of the problems some people face, and yet I find my life to be so full of complications. I find excuses to procrastinate, to convince myself that I simple do not have the time to be a better person, to think that I have many years ahead of me to do all the things I have always been meaning to do. I hope that the next time I'm busy watching some crap on TV, I'm going to hear N tell me ... Gaurav, If you've been meaning to do something, then do it ... do it now.

Thoughts in the shower II

2007-10-03T00:27:00.001-07:00

Things to say to bugging relatives when they tell me that I should get married now that I'm settled:

- I hate you.
- Errr ... I already did. She got pregnant. There wasn't much choice left.
- I would, but the judge has ordered me not to till the murder charges are dropped.
- You've been quite miserable all these years, so I really don't see the point.
- Actually, I'm already committed to someone. His name is Peter.
- Uh oh, I guess you're one of the few who weren't invited.
- Isn't it tougher to have multiple sex partners once you're married?
- I tried to. Instead of Quabool, I kept saying Babool. You need some toothpaste?
- Why? You think mom would make a good chudail saas or what?
- Zaroor! (I'm sure they will faint at this)
- Lay off the damn K-serials!

70 days and counting

2007-10-03T00:27:00.000-07:00

The Greek word for "return" is nostos. Algos means "suffering". So nostalgia is the suffering caused by an unappeased yearning to return.

- Ignorance, by Milan Kundera

Two and a half years since I've been back ... I'm nostalgic as hell.