Thursday, August 20, 2009

Of Birds And Bees

All of a sudden, I'm inspired. Inspired enough to blog about a total super-duper hit song .. Go Pigeon Go Go ... from one of my favorite movies ever. Jee haan, MPK!!

Come along ... let's play ...

Oh look look - the song begins with a shot of Handsome. Nope, I'm not talking about Lakshmikant Berde, folks - Handsome is the chief protagonist of the song - our pyaara kabootar!

2 seconds - Mummy, can I pleaaaase have that pencil in Bhagu's pencil holder? The one with a heart on top of it.

7 seconds - Oooh .. tingly feeling all over. Check out Bhagu's "Take me roughly, you big boy" look!

14 seconds - And she's up!! But OH MY GOD - what the fuck is she wearing? Did she leave her "dress" out during some third grade painting class? And what is the deal with the white scrunchy?

18 seconds - Now just a bloody second. Is that a whole wall of Sallu's photos? Umm .. stalker much? Or is that Sallu's room only? How very self obsessed.

22 seconds - And we see what inspired the dress. I can almost hear Tim Gunn say "This troubles meee ..."

28 seconds - why the hell did Handsome suddenly fly as if someone put a bullet up his ass?

33 seconds - I'm sorry, but am I the only one who thinks that Handsome looks like the Killer Bird From Hell with the letter in his beak? Just pause for a second and look at those murderous eyes!!

38 seconds - Is Bhagu contemplating some quail for din-din? Bhaag Handsome ... bhaaag!!!

52 seconds - Mummmmyy ... I also want that jhoola.

57 seconds - Hello!! Handsome clearly has the Avian Flu, you dumb bimbo.

Can I just pause for a second to say that the room is horribly done up. There are just too many colors interspersed with white going on.

And also, can no one see that Handsome is trying to jaaa jaaa in actuality. Can't blame him really .. I too would be trying to get away if someone was blaring away right into my ear, while holding me tightly by the legs. Wait .. did that sound a bit sexual?

Moving on ...

1:21 - Even her "bellies" are white. Talk about looking up to Jeetu.

1:38 - Watch out ... cliche central up ahead!!! .. blank page with pen poised to write another khatt, the Friend vaali cap, the heart with a band-aid (wtf!!) and a sign that says "I love you so much it hurts" (double wtf!!) ... and oh of course .. red roses. Le sigh.

1:42 - Excuse me? Is she putting his socks into his shoes? And then staring wistfully at his Fugly jacket? And what in the world is she looking for outside of the room? Sallu? But he's off to some random party or something, I believe. And the kabootar toh she only asked to jaa jaa. What a mad woman!!

1:59 - But oh look ... this is why you should get a dog (Tuffy, anyone?) instead of a dumb bird. The kabootar was unable to figure its way out of the house, and is dumbly squatting in the corner. Useless.

2:07 - Let's just listen to the lyrics for a second, shall we? "Unse kehna jabse gaye tum main toh adhoori lagti hoon" ... didn't Bhagu's diabetic baap (the insufferable Alok-I-have-returned-from-the-Gulf-or-someplace-with-my-khuddari Nath) ever teach her to be a bit self reliant and not be so needy?

2:20 - Yayy .. my absolute favorite line EVER ... "Bhool hui jo unhey sataayaaaa .. Hoooooooo OOOoooooo (who the hell is shrieking this, anyways? Lata Tai or Asha Ben?) ... Kaisa paap kiyaa" ... and head twist in shame and agony. Suman kitni sabhya ladki hai naa?

2:38 - What is that gaudy painting in the back?

Now that Handsu has finally been released, and the daft thing has no idea where its supposed to go, it would be a brilliant piece of direction if some generic accountant type could be driven to the same location as our hero, and if the pigeon would suddenly become smart enough to realize that he could ride in the back of the car. This movie, then, would go from being superb to spectacular.

And oh look - it happened within 10 seconds of my last comment.

Arre arre ... now that everyone is out of the house, just what in the world is this bhikhari ladki doing? Putting on all of Reema Laagooooo's ugly gold jewelery, and pairing it up with jhatak green stuff? Hmph - ehsaan-faraamosh type thing.

3:10 - Mummy ... can I also learn how to make that tie-n-dye vaali chunni?

3:15 - Ab this is confusing!! In this empty house, who is doing puja in the afternoon/evening or whatever random time this song has been shot at? The servants use the same puja-ghar or what? All the lamps are lit, there is heavy smoke from the agarbatti or the kapoor or whatever is burning ... oh wait, perhaps accountant chacha (coz these kind of people are always chachas or kakas or babus in Barjatya movies) jalaao-ed the jyoti before he left? Ya ... that must be it.

3:47 - Oohh .. special Fx. Grrrooovy, babyyy!!

3:57 - Look look - VW van!

3:58 - Umm .. that was a horrible brake! The driver needs to be fired. Accountant uncle ki buddhi haddiyon ka toh socho!!

And we reach the 4 minute mark. And the tune changes to something far more "funky" .. coz you know ... that's how we roll.

And look look - that servile langdu is following Sallu around like a lap dog. And Seema ji ko toh dekho ... looking so dazzling in her virginal tighty whities - we all know which "bhutta" you're really after, Seema!

Sidenote - if you dont know the movie by heart, the above joke was totally lost on you. Tch. End sidenote.

Ugly duckling (Sallu's baap) ka shot baad mein lena. Pehle check out Campa Cola. Mummmyyy .. I want.

See why Bhagu could not wear anything remotely sindoor-y when she was tealing clothes and etc. from the house? Kyuki full on red toh is apni Reema aunty. Just look at her - understanding her beta's dukh and dard at 4:18. Really - a mother always knows. And Reema, you will all agree, is the quintessential mummy.

4:20 - Oh HOW I wish someone would grab Handsome'e neck thinking him to be a glass of coconut juice or some such!!

4:22 - Blush-on ki dukaan these two are looking!

4:26 - Please excuse Sallu. His peripheral vision is completely blocked by the ansoos he is trying to hold back! ... and so he must wear his "gogs" to hide his pain. Err .. newsflash my dear .. that upturned mouth is fooling no one!!

.. and by the way ... why is it SO normal for a bird to be sitting right by the food at this party? How very unhygenic!!!

4:35 - Gold Spot!! Mummmyyyy ...

Also 4:35 - I see the pigeon to the left. Is that a cockatoo on Sallu's head?

4:46 - the only thing I can focus on is the umbrella!!

4:55 - What was that splash representing? I'm totally not going to go there. And do check out that very early example of product placement.

5:04 - Huh? Where'd everybody go all of a sudden? Or did he move to a different area of the park? But then why are there umbrellas and tables and shit there?

5:10 - Can NOW at least a dog come and grab the pigeon's neck?

Quiz - between 5:20 and 5:28, how many times did Sallu do a 360? .. Haah - no, it's not 2 - it's 3. Look closer!

5:37 - Rude Sallu has decided to quit the party and become a road-hog once more, it would appear. And look - poor Handsome is now being made to work for his keep. Ha ha .. serves him right .. the fat bird.

5:44 - Hainji ... Bhagu arrived in Vegas in the interim?

5:55 - Doesnt it look like someone launched Handsome from a cannon or something, and Bhagu had to catch him? I wonder how many takes did this take!

6:01 - Has Bhags been electrocuted?

6:06 - Oh My God - Ambassador and Fiat!! Memories ...

6:15 - My childhood has been a waste. My house did not have red disco lights in the drive-way. No wonder it always felt that the dance parties I threw had something missing. There's even one in the tree, as you will notice at 6:34.

6:19 - Is this music representing "Ab milan hoga" ??


6:40 - Ewww. Voyeur uncle is getting his jollies on, no doubt.

6:45 - Are those apples? Is this meant to represent Original Sin?

6:50 - Sallu must have been thinking ... Dangg .. sooo close!

7:10 - Is Bhags trying to cover her aabroo with three apples? Talk about mixed metaphors!! Really - how do you like them apples?

7:15 - Hain!! Why has she become orgasmic without him even touching her? Just look at Sallu's face at 7:18. He's like .. what's wrong with this pavitra naari?

7:24 - Random jog. Pointless.

7:28 - Tyra would be so proud. Sallu is giving fierce Top Model face!

7:35 - Lights out. Follow her to the room and show her a bird of a totally different kind, Sallu!


Arpita said...

“Lymphosarcomma of the intestine” ki safaai ke liye bhi kabhi doctors ne itna dissection nai kiya hoga!
I’m sure Shri.Shri Bharjatiya will be hurtling himself one by one, across the four walls of his home.

It was worth stumbling across the post. I lou it.

ankur said...

simbly superb...only one point:
I am sure they don't have signs saying mafatlal and shemaroo in vegas...
u r wasting ur time...join bollywood...

ravivj said...

my god ... i haven't laughed out so loud in ages ... simply marvelous !