Saturday, August 29, 2009

Currently, I am feeling ...

Lonely
Tired
Reminiscent
Sad
Overloaded
Apprehensive
Confused
Indecisive
Thoughtful
Happy

No - not yet happy.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Of Birds And Bees



All of a sudden, I'm inspired. Inspired enough to blog about a total super-duper hit song .. Go Pigeon Go Go ... from one of my favorite movies ever. Jee haan, MPK!!

Come along ... let's play ...

Oh look look - the song begins with a shot of Handsome. Nope, I'm not talking about Lakshmikant Berde, folks - Handsome is the chief protagonist of the song - our pyaara kabootar!

2 seconds - Mummy, can I pleaaaase have that pencil in Bhagu's pencil holder? The one with a heart on top of it.

7 seconds - Oooh .. tingly feeling all over. Check out Bhagu's "Take me roughly, you big boy" look!

14 seconds - And she's up!! But OH MY GOD - what the fuck is she wearing? Did she leave her "dress" out during some third grade painting class? And what is the deal with the white scrunchy?

18 seconds - Now just a bloody second. Is that a whole wall of Sallu's photos? Umm .. stalker much? Or is that Sallu's room only? How very self obsessed.

22 seconds - And we see what inspired the dress. I can almost hear Tim Gunn say "This troubles meee ..."

28 seconds - why the hell did Handsome suddenly fly as if someone put a bullet up his ass?

33 seconds - I'm sorry, but am I the only one who thinks that Handsome looks like the Killer Bird From Hell with the letter in his beak? Just pause for a second and look at those murderous eyes!!

38 seconds - Is Bhagu contemplating some quail for din-din? Bhaag Handsome ... bhaaag!!!

52 seconds - Mummmmyy ... I also want that jhoola.

57 seconds - Hello!! Handsome clearly has the Avian Flu, you dumb bimbo.

Can I just pause for a second to say that the room is horribly done up. There are just too many colors interspersed with white going on.

And also, can no one see that Handsome is trying to jaaa jaaa in actuality. Can't blame him really .. I too would be trying to get away if someone was blaring away right into my ear, while holding me tightly by the legs. Wait .. did that sound a bit sexual?

Moving on ...

1:21 - Even her "bellies" are white. Talk about looking up to Jeetu.

1:38 - Watch out ... cliche central up ahead!!! .. blank page with pen poised to write another khatt, the Friend vaali cap, the heart with a band-aid (wtf!!) and a sign that says "I love you so much it hurts" (double wtf!!) ... and oh of course .. red roses. Le sigh.

1:42 - Excuse me? Is she putting his socks into his shoes? And then staring wistfully at his Fugly jacket? And what in the world is she looking for outside of the room? Sallu? But he's off to some random party or something, I believe. And the kabootar toh she only asked to jaa jaa. What a mad woman!!

1:59 - But oh look ... this is why you should get a dog (Tuffy, anyone?) instead of a dumb bird. The kabootar was unable to figure its way out of the house, and is dumbly squatting in the corner. Useless.

2:07 - Let's just listen to the lyrics for a second, shall we? "Unse kehna jabse gaye tum main toh adhoori lagti hoon" ... didn't Bhagu's diabetic baap (the insufferable Alok-I-have-returned-from-the-Gulf-or-someplace-with-my-khuddari Nath) ever teach her to be a bit self reliant and not be so needy?

2:20 - Yayy .. my absolute favorite line EVER ... "Bhool hui jo unhey sataayaaaa .. Hoooooooo OOOoooooo (who the hell is shrieking this, anyways? Lata Tai or Asha Ben?) ... Kaisa paap kiyaa" ... and head twist in shame and agony. Suman kitni sabhya ladki hai naa?

2:38 - What is that gaudy painting in the back?

Now that Handsu has finally been released, and the daft thing has no idea where its supposed to go, it would be a brilliant piece of direction if some generic accountant type could be driven to the same location as our hero, and if the pigeon would suddenly become smart enough to realize that he could ride in the back of the car. This movie, then, would go from being superb to spectacular.

And oh look - it happened within 10 seconds of my last comment.

Arre arre ... now that everyone is out of the house, just what in the world is this bhikhari ladki doing? Putting on all of Reema Laagooooo's ugly gold jewelery, and pairing it up with jhatak green stuff? Hmph - ehsaan-faraamosh type thing.

3:10 - Mummy ... can I also learn how to make that tie-n-dye vaali chunni?

3:15 - Ab this is confusing!! In this empty house, who is doing puja in the afternoon/evening or whatever random time this song has been shot at? The servants use the same puja-ghar or what? All the lamps are lit, there is heavy smoke from the agarbatti or the kapoor or whatever is burning ... oh wait, perhaps accountant chacha (coz these kind of people are always chachas or kakas or babus in Barjatya movies) jalaao-ed the jyoti before he left? Ya ... that must be it.

3:47 - Oohh .. special Fx. Grrrooovy, babyyy!!

3:57 - Look look - VW van!

3:58 - Umm .. that was a horrible brake! The driver needs to be fired. Accountant uncle ki buddhi haddiyon ka toh socho!!

And we reach the 4 minute mark. And the tune changes to something far more "funky" .. coz you know ... that's how we roll.

And look look - that servile langdu is following Sallu around like a lap dog. And Seema ji ko toh dekho ... looking so dazzling in her virginal tighty whities - we all know which "bhutta" you're really after, Seema!

Sidenote - if you dont know the movie by heart, the above joke was totally lost on you. Tch. End sidenote.

Ugly duckling (Sallu's baap) ka shot baad mein lena. Pehle check out Campa Cola. Mummmyyy .. I want.

See why Bhagu could not wear anything remotely sindoor-y when she was tealing clothes and etc. from the house? Kyuki full on red toh is apni Reema aunty. Just look at her - understanding her beta's dukh and dard at 4:18. Really - a mother always knows. And Reema, you will all agree, is the quintessential mummy.

4:20 - Oh HOW I wish someone would grab Handsome'e neck thinking him to be a glass of coconut juice or some such!!

4:22 - Blush-on ki dukaan these two are looking!

4:26 - Please excuse Sallu. His peripheral vision is completely blocked by the ansoos he is trying to hold back! ... and so he must wear his "gogs" to hide his pain. Err .. newsflash my dear .. that upturned mouth is fooling no one!!

.. and by the way ... why is it SO normal for a bird to be sitting right by the food at this party? How very unhygenic!!!

4:35 - Gold Spot!! Mummmyyyy ...

Also 4:35 - I see the pigeon to the left. Is that a cockatoo on Sallu's head?

4:46 - the only thing I can focus on is the umbrella!!

4:55 - What was that splash representing? I'm totally not going to go there. And do check out that very early example of product placement.

5:04 - Huh? Where'd everybody go all of a sudden? Or did he move to a different area of the park? But then why are there umbrellas and tables and shit there?

5:10 - Can NOW at least a dog come and grab the pigeon's neck?

Quiz - between 5:20 and 5:28, how many times did Sallu do a 360? .. Haah - no, it's not 2 - it's 3. Look closer!

5:37 - Rude Sallu has decided to quit the party and become a road-hog once more, it would appear. And look - poor Handsome is now being made to work for his keep. Ha ha .. serves him right .. the fat bird.

5:44 - Hainji ... Bhagu arrived in Vegas in the interim?

5:55 - Doesnt it look like someone launched Handsome from a cannon or something, and Bhagu had to catch him? I wonder how many takes did this take!

6:01 - Has Bhags been electrocuted?

6:06 - Oh My God - Ambassador and Fiat!! Memories ...

6:15 - My childhood has been a waste. My house did not have red disco lights in the drive-way. No wonder it always felt that the dance parties I threw had something missing. There's even one in the tree, as you will notice at 6:34.

6:19 - Is this music representing "Ab milan hoga" ??

Yes.

6:40 - Ewww. Voyeur uncle is getting his jollies on, no doubt.

6:45 - Are those apples? Is this meant to represent Original Sin?

6:50 - Sallu must have been thinking ... Dangg .. sooo close!

7:10 - Is Bhags trying to cover her aabroo with three apples? Talk about mixed metaphors!! Really - how do you like them apples?

7:15 - Hain!! Why has she become orgasmic without him even touching her? Just look at Sallu's face at 7:18. He's like .. what's wrong with this pavitra naari?

7:24 - Random jog. Pointless.

7:28 - Tyra would be so proud. Sallu is giving fierce Top Model face!

7:35 - Lights out. Follow her to the room and show her a bird of a totally different kind, Sallu!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

From Nurse Jackie

Make me good, God ... but not yet.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Faerie Queene

Sleepe after toyle, port after stormie seas,
Ease after warre, death after life, does greatly please.

- Edmund Spenser

Monday, July 13, 2009

Breaking news

July 3rd, 2009

Insufferable bitch on plane dissatisfied with food options. World looks up, blinks, goes back to not caring.

In-flight entertainment

July 3rd, 2009

Ugh - the plane does not have individual screens. And they're showing City of Ember or some such shit. Terrible doesn't even begin to describe it.

I have so much time to kill right now, seeing as how I'm not sleeping; and yet my mind is a complete blank. Well, not a "complete" blank - since I am writing this down. But couldn't this time be used far more productively (is that a word?) in thinking about life decisions? There certainly is more than enough for me to think about!

- How should I bring about the change I keep craving?
- Shall I apply for an MBA this year?
- When and how will I/should I get motivated to diet, exercise, take up French and piano once more?
- What about my plans to not be single by my birthday this year?
- Really, what do I want my career to be?
- Am I too bitchy?
- When will the idea for my latest story take form?
- Where is Waldo?

Ok - perhaps that last one isn't all that important.

This has happened earlier as well. I was driving alone from Cincinnati to Indianapolis to Chicago in Feb'06, and due to an accident (not my own!), was stuck in a traffic jam for about 5 hours. And during that entire time, I had no thoughts!! Well, that sounds strange. Let's just say that the one things I do remember from that time is a sardar family finally not being able to control any longer, and pee-ing on the side of the freeway!

Is that sad? No - not that they were taking care of business, but that I don't think as much as I should. I'm usually busy with stuff, but that's almost always me going with the flow rather than working towards a goal. It's almost like I'm doing stuff to keep myself occupied, rather than me being occupied because I have things to do. Does that sound strange? Perhaps.

I'll be thirty in 18 months. Aren't people usually "settled" by then, or at least know where and how they're going to ... or would like to ... end up?

Observation

July 3rd, 2009

From the multitudes of people
To the spotless cleanliness

From the sheer size
To the ease of walking along

From the amazing giant hanging bell made out of Legos
To the hanging display of birds in flight made entirely out of small birds - all of them also in flight

From the beautiful art displays of marshes and nests
To the colorful walls highlighting many achievements in sport and film

From the humongous variety of food options
To the surprisingly delicious sushi (and California roll - hey, I have to stay loyal to my state, after all!)

From the hospitable people
To the inviting locations to park your derriere (I'm witting this while rocking myself on a white wooden chair, overlooking the entire runway)

From the kids' playing area
To the over-crowded wine bar

Can I just say how awesome is Philly airport! It totally gives the feeling of being proud of the city of which it is a part.

Ahoy, you scallywags

July 3rd, 2009

Random air hostess quote: In case you need to store your luggage, there's space in the aft of the aircraft.

Hai Raam - ab toh forever single!

July 3rd, 2009

So I went for a haircut last week. You know, to look all handsome (trivia - what was the real name of the pigeon in MPK? You got it - Handsome!!) for said vacation. Just a trim - nothing major.

And I looked down at the buzzed off hair, and saw - brace yourself, for the shock will be as great for you, dear reader, as it was for me - some strands of white hair!!!! *Insert appropriate cheekh of naahhiiiiiiiii*

Now people who know me may qualify this as me being overly dramatic. With a hurt expression on my face, I shall explain to them that unfortunately, I have taken my hair from my dad's side of the family, which means that I am destined to grow bald, not grey!! And so my shock, horror and disbelief at this double-cruelty (by mama Nature) was wholly justified.

Once I got home, I peered hard into the mirror, this time not even stopping to ask it if I indeed was the fairest of all in the land (my mirror is most honest - it always responds with a yes to said question!!), but thankfully did not see any white. Or for that matter, any balding.

My spirit soared at the thought that the light must have been reflecting in an unnatural manner at the hairdressers', which is what caused me to believe that my jet black hair was actually not so!!

My mood was still great as I went to LA a few days later to pick up my passport. I stayed at Half-O's place, where she used her phone and too this picture of the top of my head:




And single I shall remain.

The enthu to blog

July 3rd, 2009

Here it is again - something that's happened multiple times before. I'm super enthu to blog right now - enough, in fact, to have brought along a copy and actually write all this down (handwriting analysis, anyone?) - yes, how very JK Rowling of me!! - since I didn't want to lug around my laptop.The trip has just started, and I plan to capture every delicious (and bland) moment in words. I'm writing away in the plane -

*Sidenote* WTF happened to my handwriting? I mean I never had "moti jaise akshar" (wait, did this expression come about due to a pet dog that looked like some letter(s) of the alphabet?), but I remember I used to write letters, specially in Chandrapur, and they used to be quite legible. Right now, I am afraid that a lot of this will never be transcribed on to the blog because I won't be able to decipher this garbage!! Obviously, after having used a computer for this long, I type faster than I write, but when I write fast (which is what I'm doing right now to keep up with the thoughts of my "tired" mind), it really is quite fugly. *End sidenote*

- even though I should be catching up on my beauty sleep!! Will this last once I meet up with the absolutely mad group of people I call my friends? Most likely not, but hopefully yes!

London calling

July 3rd, 2009

I'm sitting in the plane, on my way to a trip I have been looking forward to since so long (since some 200 mails and 50+ hours of conference calls, actually), and while my excitement is building up with each passing moment, I cannot believe that I'm already feeling - jetlagged? No, that's not quite right. Tired, I think, would be more appropriate. Shouldn't this be the feeling at the end of the vacay? (Yes, that's short for vacation - I really am quite with it!). But no, the end of the trip does not get me tired, but leaves me instead with an exhaustion that I relish.

But coming back to how I'm currently feeling, I think it's just a residue of severe lack of sleep. I got home at about 8pm last night, was done packing by 10:30 (yes, I'm slow) and went to bed by 11.

11:53 - Piks calls.

Me: Hello (or an appropriate groggy grunt)
Piks: Oh ... you're sleeping?
Me: Yes.
Piks: Why?
Me (thinking): Can someone please kill him?
Me: Coz I have to wake up at 3.
Piks: Oh yeah!!
Me (about to say bye): ...
Piks: Achha listen, we have to change our Barca tickets, since AJ and Pinka are leaving for Scotland early.
Me (mumbling): Okkrrrr ...
Piks: Guess what time? 6am!! It'll be just you and me in London then.
Me (lying): Ok ... I'll wake up and get them changed.
Piks: Right. We should.
Me: Piks - NOW can I call you once I'm up?
Piks: Right right. Didn't want to disturb. See ya.

1:15am - Citicard Fraud Alert Warning!
2am - Sleep broken. Restless?
2:45am - New Flatmate's (NF's) message - I'll be there by 3:45am to drop you.
3am - Alarm.
3:01am - Fuck it. I'm waking up.

See what I mean by severe lack of sleep?

But that isn't even the point of the post! The point is that NF finally arrived at 4am (late as ever!), looking fresh as a frikkin daisy - well, a daisy that's gotten enough sunlight and water and whatever else it needs to look fresh. I've never really written about him, and this is not the time. But it must be said that he is 24, and without an off switch when it comes to partying. I've told him a number of times that I feel terribly old around his Energizer bunny ways!!

He had gone clubbing at about 9pm, and as I found out during the drive to the airport, had hit two clubs downtown, then gone to another one in a different area called PB, and was hanging out at his friend's place after the clubs closed at 2! He was now going to drop me off, and then drive up a 120 miles to LA to go see his family!

Honestly, I was exhausted just listening to him.

So I'm 28 now, and I guess that's why I say I don't have the energy to do all this on a weekly basis (for him, this is a "typical" Friday night), or ever, actually! But why is that? 28 is certainly not too old. As N would like to believe, we're all 18 (you know - 30 being the new 20 and all that ... in my case, is 30 the new 40?). But come to think of it, I've hardly ever partied like this - even when I was 18! Sure, there were instances, but they were quite few and far-between.

I guess I've always been a homeboy. Hopefully though, the vacation will be an excellent chance to change that - at least for the next eight days :)

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I've got voice-mail

I have only one voice message on my phone. I don't know why I've never deleted it. Probably because it's so gawar that I can't help but smile every time I listen to it. The person who left it is highly educated, very articulate, speaks extremely well (oh my God .. his head is going to explode reading this!!!) ... and yet, you couldn't find someone who can put on (or most likely, naturally have :D) a more LS tone.

It's quite difficult to truly get the essence of the message in writing (I'll probably tape it and put it up sometime in the future), but here it is, word for shady word :)

Namaskar gupta ji ... kya haal hai aapka? hum __ se __ jaa rahe thhey aur bore ho rahey thhey, toh humney socha ki apne manoranjan ke liye aapko phone ghumaya jaaye. Sir yeh kya ... aapne Shankar Mahadevan ki tarah ek hee breath mein apna saara voice message de daala hai ... aaraam se ... thoda saa saans lein ... pataa chala ki heart attack ke maare buddhey chal base ... par anyways mujhe call kar dena ... meri awaaz aur style se toh pehchaan hee gaye hoge ki yeh tumhara manpasand Chandni Chownk vaala dost hai. Chalo bhai ... namashkar ... tata.

Seriously, what sort of friends do I have??

Moo

Some chick called into this show I was listening to on the radio while driving to work today morning, and this is the conversation that ensued:

Chick: Umm .. I've been with this guy for some time now, and things are going great. But I want to ask him ... where is this going?

RJ: Whoaa .. back up .. tell us about it.

Chick: Weeellll, we'be been out on 7 dates in the last 9 weeks. And he's a great guy. In fact, he didn't even kiss me on the first date ... till I let him.

RJ: That's being a gentleman. And how long have you known him?

Chick: Errr .. 9 weeks.

So I'm thinking ... what the hell is wrong with this woman? Nine weeks is just over 2 months. That hardly qualifies as "some time now"!!!! Why does it have to "go somewhere" in such a short time? Do all women think in this crazy way?

Apparently the RJ and I were on the same page.

RJ: That's not too long, is it? Why not give it time to develop? Have you guys had sex?

Chick: *nervous laugh* Yess .. hehhhehhh.

RJ: Well that's cool that's cool. When was that?

Chick: *matter of factly* On the first date.

RJ: *silence*

Me: WTF??

RJ: Aaah .. see, now that's something you didn't mention when you told us about him being a gentleman. Does this guy want to take things ahead?

Chick: That's what I don't know. I mean I know he likes me.

RJ: Sure sure. But you know what they say about buying the cow, right?

I cracked up!!

Monday, June 15, 2009

The Rubaiyat

Why ponder thus the future to foresee,
and jade thy brain to vain perplexity?
Cast off thy care, leave Allah's plans to Him-
He formed them all without consulting thee.

- Omar Khayyam

I've got mail

Text exchange with a friend (??) last night:

Him: Why haven't you updated your blog in ages? You know that's the only way I keep track of your life.

Me: Well, you could just call, you know.

Him: Yes, but then I would have to speak to you.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Perhaps I just don't get it

It's quite funny. It reminds me of your blog, she said.

Now since Ka is someone with a rather refined sense of humour, I felt quite elated at the time. Right now - not so much.

But wait ... I seem to be getting ahead of myself.

In January of this year, I woke up in Gurgaon one morning, having spent the night at T's place. While T and S were still slumbering, I was sitting in aunty's room, chatting away with aunty, Ka and Ka's better half - Sands; when I happened to notice a white covered novel with random caricatures on it, and the catchy title of "Dilli Toh Pagal Hai".

What's this?, I asked, hoping to be able to steal another one of T's novels (I had "borrowed" "Are All Women Leg Spinners" once upon a time, but liked it enough to warrant never giving it back. Small sacrifice for him, considering the rubbish he has put me through, which includes but is not limited to stealing my money, hiding my shoes and convincing me to walk to the Principal's office in my socks and having it announced on the school's PA system, leaving me to walk through a highly foggy Delhi winter night in the middle of some Godforsaken colony, having me slapped by that idiot music teacher, made me lie to save his ass and etc.). Unfortunately, it belonged to the always sweet (to me) and ever-satark (as in cautious) Ka, who went on to explain that it was a collection of short stories, essays rather, about Delhi ... and that *insert first line here after converting to past tense*.

I puffed up my chest and resembling a cockatoo more than ever (my hair does really strange things when I wake up), let out on articulate "Oh really" (no wonder I'm such an accomplished writer!). I would have gone on to read a bit of it (and saved myself the ... no no G, keep them guessing ... long post long post), but just at that moment came a harpy-ish wail of "Mummmaaaa breakfasssst". It's up, we all exclaimed together, and braced ourselves for T. But that's another tale for a different time.

The thought of DTPH remained with me for two reasons - I absolutely adore anything (specially anything funny) being written/directed/made about Delhi, and two - like a white cat under a villain's ring-ed palm, my ego had been stroked. Purrr indeed.

So as it happened, I found myself in South Ex one evening, and walked into Tekson's (does it have an apostrophe?) bookshop ... and sure enough, there it was - displayed front and center - Dilli Toh Pagal Hai. Rs. 195, said the flourescent sticker. Hmm ... must be worth it, I thought. Picking it up, I walked over to the cashier - some totally daft woman who was more interested in giggling over the telephone than serving paying customers. Polite boy that I am, I waited. She looked up all of a sudden, gave me an annoyed look for having disturbed her (I am sure) idiotic conversation (but please note - she was still very much on the bloody phone), and held out her hand. I gave her the book, 200 rupees, and a big fat zero in customer care. Needless to say, my smile had been replaced with scorn and disgust - two emotions which, I am told, I do not have difficulty displaying. As if!! ... anyhow, she put the book in a bag (chalo, at least some basic sense - or it could simply have been a Pavlovian reaction. Whatever.) along with my bill, and handed the bag to me. And looked away!!!! Dumb bitch. I did not budge a frikkin inch, and in my most contemptuous voice, asked - WHERE IS THE CHANGE? She looked up again, clearly confused at having been unable to complete her simplistic simian duties, looked at something on her screen (I presume it was the bill), and gave me a 5 rupee coin. I sincerely hope she was not talking to her future husband, for I feel I would have done another human a grave disservice indeed at not having informed him that he was about to marry someone with an IQ of minus 8 billion.

As I was saying ... I bought the book, and left.

I read the very first story (The ABC of D(elhi) - what a smart title) in the auto on my way back home. And remember chuckling away, since Shivjeet Kullar was indeed quite funny. Yes yes, I said to myself - what he writes is certainly true. What an astute observer. Ha ha. Or was it one of those laughs that you force out of yourself because you expect something to be funny? You know - kind of like how a dish HAS to be tasty just because some famous chef prepared it. Welcome to Gordon Ramsey's restaurant - Trotters, anyone? So I was amused, but forgot all about the book once I tucked myself into bed at night and picked up Asimov to finish the third of the Foundation novels. Which, by the way, are brilliant!!! And DTPH rested on the side table, and made its way back to San Diego with me at the end of my vacation. And then hung out with the other books in my highly messy bookcase. (How very LOTR this sounds!)

Until today.

Sidenote - will I ever get to the point? Yes ... now. End sidenote.

Today being the day that I caught the red eye to the east coast. And having a serious dearth of reading material, picked up City of Djinns (which I hope to finally finish reading) and the novel around which this tale is being spun.

You will go mad with laughter - proclaimed the publisher. Beware, you'll fall off your balcony laughing - said one reviewer. You cannot live in Delhi and not read this book - said another. Aah, a good time is going to be had - said I. The lady sitting next to me surreptitiously glanced at the novel, wondering (no doubt) whether I was about to start reading Letters to Penthouse or some such. How silly. If that had been the case, I obviously would have said - Aah, a jolly good time is going to be had.

And I moved on to story two - ABC of Punjabis. Umm .. ok. Kinda like the first one, but I'm sure it's going to get better. A to Z of Punjabis was followed by something called Arey Mainoo Bhi Karna Hai!, Kabhi Affair Mat Kehna, and Mine Is Bigger Than Yours. I read on, and kept waiting ... waiting for an end that wouldn't come ... ooh, see what I did there? ... I took that famous line (haan it is famous) from Titanic and used it in a totally different context. Literary genius I am. Well the end didn't come because I read some more and then decided to blog about it, there-by never getting to the last story, but what I was going to say did not come was the laughter. Or even a smile. Admittedly, there were a couple of lines that were funny - but I would still have been very much sane and alive even if I was sitting on the ledge of my balcony and reading this book.

I understood what he was trying to do here - take incidents that we all see on a daily basis in Delhi, and put a hilarious spin on them. Except for the hilarious part. Or the spin. He just ended up stating the obvious - as if he was someone remotely funny ranting to himself. Or on a blog.

Uh oh.

See why the afore-mentioned elation at Ka's comment evaporated?

But I'm not someone who writes for a newspaper, and my columns have not been converted into a supposedly highly funny book. (Jealous much?). But I paid almost 200 rupees for this, and I wanted my money's worth. Which, I am sorry to say, I most certainly did not get. Now I must agree that a few stories I read were indeed quite touching. But I did not want to read Chicken Soup for the Delhi-ites Soul. I paid for a book to make me laugh, and it did not keep its promise. Which obviously makes me feel cheated. To me, his humour was childish at best. Allow me to give you a couple of examples (I'll pick the "poems" since the stories will take a little bit to type):

Page 25: The Bootiful Mrs. Khanna-ji

This is Mrs. Khanna, she'll make you dance to her tune
She rarely ever smiles, maybe once in a blue moon
Many years ago, she looked quite hot
Now when he hubby sees what he's got
He wonders how on earth someone blew her up like a balloon

Page 48: The Happy Gay Designer

Meet Anshu the designer - so happy and gay
Always smelling so nice - be it night or day
His clothes are so very posh
As he says, 'Oh dear' or 'Oh gosh'
And he parties every night - be it December or May

What ... the fuck??

I have put the book away now, and do not plan to get to it again. Ever. If any of you are interested, let me know and I will be happy to let you borrow it. It certainly is not worth buying.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Wait ... am I Enya?

Once upon a time, a girl broke my heart.

Wow ... even as I write this, it seems so corny ... not because it didn't hurt at the time (it actually did - and I went out and got drunk and then bitched about her to with my friends, and then felt even worse!), but because it seems like such ancient history, specially since she and I are, and have been, once again friends for some time now.

But really, the point of this post is not to talk about her or about what happened (not entirely, at least). It's to talk about time. And how it really does ... I don't want to use the word "heal" ... allow you to move on.

To move on, and reach a point (of course, after going through a whole range of feelings - sadness, anger, confusion, indifference ... and a return to normalcy?) where you no longer have to be sad and/or bitter about things having gone sour, and can instead finally be at a place where you can once again be friends with the person, even though the friendship you once shared has inherently changed. I don't mean that things have become either better or worse, they're just ... different. And different does not always have to mean bad.

You have lost the awkwardness that inherently creeps in when you want to say so much, but cannot; and instead remember the reasons why you were fond of someone. And you feel that you have grown ... have become more sensible ... and are ready for a new beginning. One which may not have the same end as you once thought was destined to be, but which allows you to be yourself once more. Perhaps a more guarded self, but yourself nevertheless. And you can laugh once again. At yourself. At them. With them.

And all it took ... was time.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Current mood

Dream
Send me a sign
Turn back the clock
Give me some time
I need to break out
And make a new name
Let's open our eyes
To the brand new day
It's a brand new day

- Ryan Star

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The Seven Cs ...

... of Shinok's visit to SD:

Convivial
Cogitative
Catty
Communicative
Cerebral
Confusing
Curtate

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Engineers are crazy

Why in the world do people not think before they open their mouth? Yes yes, of course I am very much at the top of this list. I present - Exhibits A through D ...

(A) The VPs team has a party with food, beer and champagne, after which there is a lot of food left over, so everyone's taking some home. The (portly) director seems to have loaded a big tray with a ton of stuff, and as he's walking out, the following conversation ensues:

Dept. Secretary: Director, who is this for?
Director: Hehheh, doggy bag!
Me (slightly tipsy, I guess): Oh God ... how big is your doggy?

(B) This high up manager is talking to this another high up manager (In India), about how Indian Manager and this woman engineer need to sync-up and align their ideas and then give us all a joint report.

Manager: I think she and you should hook up and let us know how it went.
India Manager: Yes, we'll get together tomorrow and have some results soon.
Me (thinking): So ... 9 months from tomorrow would be ...

(C) I had taken my intern out for lunch the other day, and we were generally talking about family and stuff after he told me that his mom was visiting from Korea. I knew he was married, so I just happened to say:

Me: So, do you have kids?
Intern: No, but I'm trying very hard!!

(D) Now a cardinal rule of male restroom etiquette (hah .. in your face, Miss Manners!) is that you absolutely do not talk. You step in, you avoid as much eye contact as you can, you go about your biznazz, you shake it no more than three times (any more and you're playing with it), you wash your hands, and you leave. It's all a highly simple process, with no room for conversation.

So I'm in the process of answering Mama Nature's call, and standing next to me is this dude (yes .. how creepy!!), and in walks his boss ... brace yourself now ... not to pee, but to talk before they both head on over to the same meeting!! WTF??

Boss: Creepy dude, do you have the data for XYZ study?
Creepy McSmiley: Yes, it looks good.
Boss: Can I see it?
Me (thinking): Umm ... is he still asking about the data?

I mean seriously, how can anyone blame me for not being able to concentrate at work?!?

Friday, May 1, 2009

Dear Diary - Day 1

My memory isn't what it used to be.

Isn't this something people over 45 should be saying? But it's been happening to me more than I would like over the past few days. I'd be in the middle of doing something, and I'll suddenly think about doing something different, and then in two seconds flat, I'd have no idea what that was!! WTF!!!

As I grow older, I'm obviously going to get more and more forgetful. And then this day will come, when I'll be sitting on the porch of my house in the Hamptons (take that, Chet!! :D) and I would say to myself ... Hmm, what was I doing on the 1st day of May in the year 2009? And I would smile benignly, recalling that that was the day I decided to start blogging every single day, and would hence have a record of all the wonderful things that have been a part of my life for so many years!

Sidenote - Now if this isn't a wonderful plan, I don't know what is. But as dear N would agree, my best laid plans .. and etc! - End sidenote

And so I would think of this day, and would read about two things ... one - how I've slowed down at work, and two - how it sucks to be single on an evening as romantic as this one. And my ever prying inquisitive mind would wonder why I wrote such things, and luckily there would be more to read (I mean how cool am I - planning for my future pass times in this manner!!! - rhetorical question - no reply necessary in the comments, please!!).

The slowing down at work has happened quite literally, actually - I still work my butt off every single day, but I don't kill myself doing it. I have stopped feeling guilty if ever I reach work past 9:30am, and I make it a point to leave no later than 7 in the evening. I still check my mail over the weekends, but I don't care to respond or to go into work to get stuff done. I know I'll still spend long hours when there is a tapeout due, but that's going to be the exception rather than the rule. Now I haven't really examined whether I'm doing this because I'm sick of my job, because I crave a change, or simply because I've realized that work is always going to be there - but I do know that I'm happier and much less stressed out. And shouldn't that be reason enough?

What would have made this free time in the evenings even better would have been having someone to share it with (or, as GMAT would teach us, having someone with whom to share it .. what-evaah!!) ... specially today evening. The weather is just phenomenal - it's breezy without being cold - the kind of night that would make you want to sit on your porch and ... and read a blog you had written many years back (oooh ... what spooky foreshadowing this is .. future me is going to totally freak!!), or perhaps go for a long walk, or sit on the stone down at La Jolla shores and look out into the sea - staring at nothing ... hearing the tumultuousness of the waves around you, and still feeling completely at peace - it's the kind of night that makes me wish I was at some particular points of time in my past - times that made me truly happy - when life was much less complicated, and I was young (well .. young-er, anyways) .. and different.

And then a similar breeze would blow, and I would look up from my laptop (or whatever contraption I would be using at the time to read this), smile, and realize that my career choice to write soppy romance novels was indeed the right one.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

An idea is all it takes

Apparently, Spring has sprung.

Or so I was informed by N, after he had returned from his run (aarrghh .. curses!! .. specially when all I have done this weekend is stuff my already rotund self). But what made me actually pay attention was the fact that the run, while being healthy, had also been life-altering. I uttered by usual OMG (something I have been using a lot of lately .. apparently I have regressed to being a tween - perhaps it is now time to get those Miley and Jonas brothers' posters?), and braced myself to hear what should have been a most interesting story. Obviously, since that is what life-altering stories are supposed to be.

Unfortunately, N hadn't received the memo.

Well, I must clarify. While the moment he had had had (the three hads work - read them as they're supposed to be read!!) indeed been epiphanous, the run in itself had not been life-altering per se. But what N was gracious enough to share with me, and which I now share with you, was the fact that there is more to life than "this". I agreed with him whole-heartedly, upon which time followed a discussion on achieving "that", and the plan N had in mind.

Now I shall not get into the plan (mostly because by the time we talked about the modalities of it being put into actual operation, it was concluded that my initial understanding of it was somewhat misguided - which was most likely due to the plan still being thought of in my mind as being life-altering - and what I thought would make N take up Buddhism was actually seen by him to be a week long vacation in Austria and/or Rome), but it would suffice to say that we jointly figured that corporate life and current responsibilities would not allow him (or me, since we both have a tendency to make all mutual talks about our own selves - I was just following protocol, really!) to actually "alter his life".

However, N was in a more buoyant mood than usual (which made him even more endearing, since he is anyways so happy and cheerful <-- customary line put in so that my stay at Hotel A is still comped whenever I visit NYC :-D), and as he munched on some Apple Chips for the very first time in his life, he proposed the idea of doing just that.

No, not of munching on apple chips. But of doing so for the first time in life.

I took an instant liking to this idea, and it was decided that ... hold your breath .. this truly could be life-changing!!! ... both he and I would, from today, start doing at-least one thing every week, which we have never ever done in our life.

Think about this for a minute. It doesn't have to be anything grand. In fact, something as simple as trying out a new food item would do. But by the end of a year (an year?), each of us would have tried out a minimum of 52 new things!! Now folks, if that doesn't add new dimensions to one's life, I don't know what does. See - it already changed my life by giving me some fodder for what is by now an all but abandoned blog.

So we've decided to discuss our one new thing every Sunday evening, which means that you should expect a new post pretty much every Sunday night (oh .. DO control your glee!!). Of course, it is totally possible that N would not like me to write about his personal life on my blog. Which is why I have been reading "Playing to a dummys ego ... for dummies". That should take care of that problem.

By the by, for the few of you who still haunt this joint, feel free to join in and try something new yourself. And while I've never really cared about comments on my posts, it would be nice if you would leave us (N and I ... since this is his idea, after all) a note telling us what you did.

Who knows, it might be something neither of us has tried before!!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Dear March ...

Please end already. I am totally done with you.

Monday, March 23, 2009

For her

Yesterday, I was upset about a broken laptop and the possibility of losing a ton of data.

Today, one of my most favourite people in the world is sadder than she has ever been.

I would gladly suffer a thousand broken laptops for God to give her the strength and peace she deserves.

:'(

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

So, how's it going?

Ok, first things first - fundamentally, nothing has changed. And frankly, I don't expect it to. The big picture (whatever the heck that is!) is going to remain the same, and there is a reason for that.

Oh, by the way - sidenote - any one who knows me even remotely well knows that I am for the most part an unemotional twat. But they would also know (and now, so do you!! ... oh joy) that I have a hard time letting things go. I always obsess about the small stuff in life, and hence it is obviously going to be the little things that I am going to continue to miss for a bit. Yes, not only do I have commitment issues, I also have separation anxiety. My God ... I almost sound like a psycho Urmila from that movie she was in with that Tipu Sultan's son (whose name I cannot recall and who, incidentally, is quite Fugly, don't you think? ... the son, not Tipu). But, I digress.

So, coming back to le grande image ... the flatmate (who, on this blog, shall forever be known as the flatmate) moved out not because he got sick of me (though that is a highly probable reason ... HAHAHA ... as if!!) - even though that was postulated by dear KK - but because he is taking the next big step in his life. No no no, he isn't getting a sex change operation or anything - he is ... *drumroll* ... getting married!!

For those of you who thought he was married to me and I have either taken to the bottle and/or gone to a mandir and bajao-ed the ghantis in front of the bhagwaan ki murti, saying "Mere saath aisa anyaya kyuuuu?", I would like to clarify that while you are completely incorrect, you are not entirely alone, as evident from N's and Chet's (catty) remarks.

N: You realize he's been your longest relationship till date, don't you?

Chet: I hope you are not sending a dead rabbit to the newly weds!!! Like fatal attraction...Lol...I so think you should ask for alimony??? :) hehe .. Btw, in addition to the alimony, I also think you are entitled to 10 - 15 % of the bride's dowry !!! How else are we going to cover your rehab costs?? :)

Yenyways, as I was saying - the major things won't change ...

Another sidenote - I had a long argument with my officemate (the slurpy Chinese) today about how relationships between friends do not have to take a turn for the worse once they get married. His contention was that there is no other way for them to go. I countered by telling him that he didn't know what the hell he was talking about, and then proceeded to tell him about T and S and the fun I always have with both of them, at which point he shut up - which could have been because he realized I was right, but was most likely because my stories went on for about 20 minutes, by which time he must have forgotten the point he was trying to make. In either case, that showed him! Hmph. - end sidenote.

... And the reason I am quite certain of this is because while I was never looking for a BFF (I'm using these cool acronyms now - N tells me it's what all the hipsters are into!! ... yes, surprise surprise that he should know!!) in my roomie, by some twist of fate I managed to find one. I've always been closest to my friends from school, and they're kind of the yardstick against whom I compare all my other friendships (I told you I'm weird with my commitment issues!). And the flatmate is most certainly up there with my nearest and dearest school pals.

Now I'm not going to get into how we got to where we are and all that nostalgia (remember the part about me being unemotional?), but suffice to say that he has been the one person here who knows more about me than any one else (even after I found and removed the hidden cameras he had put in my room!! ... ok he didn't - this was a cheap attempt at sabotaging the marriage, since I recently found out that Mrs. Flatmate - I need to come up with a better name for her! - reads my blog as well. Ughh ... that frikkin separation anxiety once more .. sheesh.), and still continues to be my friend. And that is all that needs to be said on the subject. For now.

But since I have gone on for quite a few paragraphs without getting to the point of the post (perhaps I should look into a career as a politician?), here it is:

While I don't feel alone even after him having moved out ... which is mainly because I have gotten myself a new flatmate - let's call him NF for now - and who, thank the Lord, is highly normal and fun ... things feel different in the sense of them being missing. Here's what I've noticed thus far. (Yayyy ... list time)

- The kitchen light is not on in the morning, and the coffee stain from the spoon is not on the counter.
- The smell of agarbatti is missing as I head out to work.
- There isn't a guitar strumming somewhere far-away (I had learnt to block out the sound such that it didn't seem to be coming from the next room :D)
- I can no longer spot the blue Altima when I look for it in the usual places.
- Star Trek isn't playing when I enter the house in the evening.
- He's still available to hear me rant about the crap I have had to put up with during the day, but not in person. (My God ... I do sound married!!)
- I haven't snapped my fingers and said ... What To Dyuuuu or Whuuts The Plan ... in some days.
- The dishwasher hasn't been loaded as if it's been done by someone with no sense of symmetry (he's going to kill me when he reads this!!)
- The ridiculous imitations and random quotes he's used to doing and saying, but which always crack me up.

Well, so that's how it's going for now. Not too bad for three days, right?

Sunday, February 22, 2009

This isn't goodbye, right?

I read someplace that if we continue an activity for 21 consecutive days, we become accustomed to it.

The flatmate moved out today.

I had stayed with him for 1512 days.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Oye ... what a memory!

For some reason, I suddenly remembered this one song we used to sing in school. Come to think of it, it's rather apt for my life at the moment. Then again, it probably would be the same for any time in anyones' life, wouldn't it?

Yes, I have typed the whole thing in Hindi font, hence proving once again (not that universal truths need proof) that I am highly super cool.

I totally remember the tune as well. In fact, I can almost see Mrs. Garg's hand go in that chop-chop-chop motion as she directed all the kids to keep pace with the harmonium.

Sing along!!!

ये वक्त ना ठहेरा हॅ

ये वक्त ना ठहेरा हॅ
ये वक्त ना ठहेरेगा
यू हीं ये गुजर जाऐगा
घबराना कॅसा?
हिम्मत से काम लेंगे
घबराना कॅसा?


सागर के सीने से
पाऐ हैं जब मोती
कभी लहरैं आ जाऐं
घबराना कॅसा?
हिम्मत से काम लेंगे
घबराना कॅसा?

ये महक गुलाबौं की
महकाती है गुलशन
कांटा कभी लग जाए
घबराना कॅसा?
हिम्मत से काम लेंगे
घबराना कॅसा?

ये सुख दुख जीवन में
आते और जाते हैं
दुख पहले आ जाए
घबराना कॅसा?
हिम्मत से काम लेंगे
घबराना कॅसा?

Sighh ... nostalgia!

Nine things I haven't done in a long time ...

... where long time implies a period of roughly three years.

1. Written an actual letter - using pen and paper.

2. Cry.

3. Gone on a proper roadtrip.

4. Thrown a surprise party for a friend.

5. Had a major fight.

6. Jumped about in heavy rain.

7. Had a staring contest.

8. Made someone cry - at least I hope not!

9. Been in a relationship.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Speaking of cobwebs ...

Did Chimpoo return this morning? I thought so. I happened to look up (why the hell am I always looking around while taking a shower?? ... I think I should never have watched Psycho!!), and there was a little black blob on the side wall. Now I obviously could not make out whether the spider had girly or boy bits, so it could just as easily have been Charulata. But it was most certainly staring down at me. Such fun ... a new friend ... perhaps this one would turn out to be a tarantula, I hoped once more.

And then s/he started to walk up the wall. Trot trot trot, it went. Even though I had overslept and was already running late for work, I continued to observe the spider even as that nursery rhyme sprang to my mind (I do hope you will sing along!) ...

Itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout ...
Down came the rain ...

And I splashed a ton of water on the little thing and watched it slip down the drain.

The end.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Dusting the cobwebs

The flatmate came up with this idea the other day; and I just had to make a cartoon out of it. I think it is now time for us to go into the very lucrative business of childrens' books!