Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Zen from sitcoms

I was watching "The Golden Girls" while eating my cereal this morning (yes, I think it's funny. Certainly infinitely better than Jerry Springer, which was my 7-minute passtime a few years back), when this dialogue made me think (an act, as those who know me would attest to, that rarely happens) ...

Sophia (who is about 90+): I've decided I'm going to do something with my life. I think I'll go to law school.
Dorothy (mockingly): But maa, you'll be 96 by the time you get out!
Sophia: So what ? I'll be 96 anyway.

Hmm ...

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Never a dull moment

Observe - the goings-on in a one hour lunch meeting:

- The speaker is prattling on and on. Seriously, no one is really interested. Everyone is there for lunch, which is yet to arrive, and so there is a large amount of fidgeting going on. In walks this dude who just happens to be the Director, ignores the poor girl who is trying to explain the concepts of some research she has done (yes, I wasn't listening either ... I was busy reading the news), and loudly asks ... "WHATTT ?? NO LUNCH !!??!!"

- While I am in the middle of replying to some mails, I am constantly being interrupted by this *tikk* *tikk* kinda noise. I finally look up, only to see this woman in front of me busily clipping her frikkin nails, completely oblivious to the fact that not only is that highly impolite, but is grossly gross!!!

- Finally, lunch arrives ... and the poor speaker is all but forgotten. There is a mad rush to grab a box (I was the picture of decorum at this time, since the floor clerk - who likes me a lot ... coz I'm a wonderful person - informed me that she was just going to pick up some more boxes), which takes about 10 minutes or so; during which time the silly presenter is still boring all and sundry. Thankfully, someone picked up a box for her.

- To my right is this person who has a highly irritating laugh. It's really hard to describe ... firstly, it's not a "heh heh heh" or a "ho ho ho" or even a "ha ha ha" ... it's more of a "heehaw haawhee snort" kinda thing ... and second, he always laughs unnecessarily (Oh he is not here today because of a doctor's appointment ... heehaw hawhee snort), which bugs me even more. I think I have given him this look of "oh shut the fuck up that's not funny" many times, but I guess it gets buried in my sugary smile (yes I'm highly fake at work!), or perhaps he's totally dense. In any case, he turns to me, and points to the label on his box, enquiring what it says since he is apparently unable to read cursive writing! I decide to show off my extensive knowledge of "world food" and inform him that it's a chicken tamale. He stares at the box for a second, turns to me, "laughs" ... and says ... "Oooo, I thought it was female" !!!! I swear it took all my strength to keep from punching him.

What the hell is wrong with engineers?

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

A Deed Most Foul

The inspector looked up from his desk. The door opened before he could speak, and in entered his most trusted detective.

"I can tell you've brought me bad news, Detective," the inspector spoke, signing a paper as he did.

"Unfortunately so, Sir," the detective replied. "Our findings are conclusive. It is as you suspected."

"You sure about this?"

"The evidence, Sir, is incontrovertible."

"I was afraid of that," sighed the inspector. "This just makes the case all the more difficult. You know about his close ties with the royals, right?"

The detective waited.

The inspector continued - "Well, I guess we have our work cut out. I will go and let His Highness know. Do you have any leads? Any key suspects?"

"Not yet, Sir," said the detective, looking a bit apologetic. "My whole team is working on the case, but as you know, when one is that famous, enemies are not hard to come by. Even though there weren't any witnesses, we do know now that it was not an accident, but haven't been able to find a fingerprint match so far. Plus there may be more clues buried in the mess. It'll take some time to sort it all, which is not going to be easy. Even the royal guard has been trying."

"Well, we shall let them do whatever they need to. Please continue your investigation. I think it is time for me to head out."

The detective saluted, and left. The inspector followed, went down to the parking lot, and drove his car to the palace, where he was granted a prompt audience with the king, who got straight to the point.

"So, inspector, what news do you bring me?"

"I'm sorry to inform you, your Majesty, but ...", he hesitated.

"Go on."

"... but, Humpty Dumpty ... was pushed."

Sunday, July 20, 2008

It's 2 am

Can't sleep. Tossed and turned for 45 minutes, then turned on the laptop once more. Wide awake now.

Must sleep. Planning to cook a fancy (well, by my standards) brunch/lunch.

Menu:

Champagne. Will not be cooking this, obv! Have gotten the "right kind" of glasses, though.
Mushroom toast with pepper jack cheese and jalapeno mustard
Chicken Alfredo
Mushroom-tomato-cheese-avocado omelettes with scallions on top

Does my talent, like my modesty, know no bounds?

The flatmate says moo

The family is off on a vacation, people in SD are partying away, as is N in NYC - he attended two parties tonight (and apparently formed the UN, or shot a Benetton ad).

I - am ill.

I was whining to the flatmate about how everyone but me is having fun.

[whiny voice] Tchhh ... everyone but me is having fun.

[Not interested voice] Oh please.

Whaaaaat ?? It's true.

You get invited to a lot of parties!

[What the ... is he on crack?] Nooo ... are you mad? What parties?

[Tang mat kar ...] Dekh, agar you would have been invited to said parties in SD, then also you wouldn't have gone. You know it.

Haan ... true.

Dammit, perceptive cow kahin ka.

European memoirs - I'm not going

The family leaves in about 9 hours - on their way to a 16-day vacation in Europe, as part of the SOTC package. Everything has already been arranged, right from the flight back and forth, to the various pick-ups, the food, the accomodation, sight-seeing, the tour guides and shopping expeditions.

Dad traveled through Europe ages back, when there were hardly any Indians there. Mom is far smarter than me with directions, signs, maps, money, documents, languages. Sis is a seasoned traveler both within and outside of India.

And yet, I'm feeling nervous. As if somehow, based on my 10-day stint in 3 cities last year, it would have been better had I been there.

I want to be a kid again.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Nahi, no dawai ... ooowokk

I've got a terrible cough, a runny nose, and a fever. As a child, whenever I'd get sick, my poor mother had the toughest time because - a) I would refuse to have any medicine, and puke it out if and as soon as I did, and - b) I'd constantly ask her when would I get well. I've been asking myself the same question for the last three days, and even I'm sick of me.

Somehow, she answered it every single time.

I want my mommmmyyyyy ...

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

OMFG - I couldn't resist

Ok ... I'm sorry ... I swear I tried to resist. But the more I see the video in the previous post, the more irritated I get. Now any one who is even remotely logical would tend to ask - "if the video bugs you, why do you keep watching it?", but since the readership of this blog is made up of mostly dense individuals (and hence the return to said blog with its inane posts, no?), all five of whom I have just lost; I do not have to worry about answering that question.

Before I go on, the answers are:

- No
- No
- Yes, but is this the best our country can do ?
- Evidently so.
- Most definitely
- Like Pamela's boobs.
- Bitch, please!

The questions are:

- Do you think it is right to be judgmental about someone you hardly know ?
- Do you have the balls to reach the Miss Universe pageant ?
- Do you think she must have something in her to have made it this far ?
- My God ... are you a horrible, bitchy, sad little individual ?
- In your opinion, could she have been trained better ?
- Does she come across as fake ?
- What would you say to her if she spoke like that in front of you ?

*Sidenote* - the flat mate thinks she is pretty. I do not. At all.

- What was your favorite subject in school and why?

Simran, it's be-CAU-se ... it is not be-cuzzzz. You learnt that in school. Or should have. You are representing India. Do not annihilate your accent just beCAUse that troll Donald Trump owns the pageant.

Oooh ... "trickiness is what catches you", is it ? That is SUCH a fukkin rehearsed answer. I'm sure you would love it if someone were to swindle you, right ? You'd be caught right and proper then!

- If the statement, "you are what you eat", is true, you would be a _______

Take a moment. Think. Formulate your answer. Then open your mouth. Don't rush into it, stumble over the question itself and then look disturbed. Thanks. And please pardon me, but to me you came across as ekdum bland Dhania powder.

- What's the best gift you've ever received and why ?

I may be wrong here, but shouldn't the subject and the verb agree ? "The best gift I have ever received are the blessings" ??? The subject is the gift - in its singular form. The verb must follow suit.

Also, if you choose to speak in your fake-ass English, then at least get your diction right. How noble, mahaan (and once again, super rehearsed) you are that you don’t believe in mate-riya-listic things!!

- Share one quirky habit you have. How long have you had it ?

Yes, you are right - it is really unusual (here, I, taking a cue from you, enlarge my eyes as I type, for added effect) that you are empathetic towards animals.

By the by, a dog is also an animal, you dumb cow.

But wait, it seems that I, like you, have spoken typed without giving it a second thought. Let's just go back and listen to your answer in its entirety. From what I can tell, your unusual habit is that if the animal is still alive, or if you have the strength, and if the guys who ran over the animal (very morose, really) are still around, you would love to go and scream at them. NOT help the animal ?

I'm guessing that the help part is what you were fumbling to say, but again, perhaps this answer wasn't rehearsed enough, and like before, you chose to make it up as you went along. Bravo.

- If there were one particular wardrobe item that you couldn’t live without, what would it be and why ?

I stand 5 feet 10 inches tall. Yes yes yes, I know you have been asked to answer any and all questions about your height in this manner. But it's just so ... ugh, I don't know - trite, almost.

And again, if those heels gave your body a very good posture, I would understand that. But how are they giving your body a verrrry good posturrrre? How the hell did the Rs start rolling all of a sudden, when they did not do so during your not being mate-riya-listic?

All in all, congratulations and all that. But even at the risk of sounding unpatriotic, we so did not deserve to win.

Monday, July 14, 2008

OMFG!!

The Miss India interview at Miss universe 2008.
I have so much to say, but I think the video pretty much speaks for itself.