Thursday, January 31, 2008

Hello, Suneet Verma ?

Dark brown shoes
Sea blue socks
Light brown tan khakhis
Black belt with gold buckle
Deep blue shirt
White undershirt
Grey windsheeter type jacket
Silver framed glasses

All of this was on one engineer.

How can anyone blame me for not paying attention to what was going on in the meeting?

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

The India Posts - IV

Toh kya kya kiya ? Let's see ...

Spinach baked that mom makes
Yes ... hogged and hogged on it. Felt like pushing sister's hand away when she reached for a second helping. My size has been upped from whale to small planet. Plus since I don't mind the cold, I think it is time to replace the void left by Pluto. I have decided to keep my planet name as Giagantus.

T and S coming to Delhi
They did, and I was pretty much at their place for three days, including the Christmas party. It was unanimously decided that T is a big pain in life, and everyone should ignore him. Thankfully, S is rather adept at handling him; and I suggest Ka the Snake should take lessons. I, needless to say, am loved by one and all.

Piks coming to Delhi as well
He did too, and it was great hanging out with both him and T. In the ten or so years that I have knows Piks, he hasn't changed one bloody bit ... except that there was a point when his blood had transformed into Tequila. Other than that, still the same down to earth (sometimes literally!!!) juvey he has always been.

The daal pakoras at Lajpat Nagar
Two plates. With that awesome green chutney. Damn ... I'm salivating just thinking about them.

Spending sis's money on my clothes
I hate shopping. The only time I do it is when I go to India, which means that the last time I shopped for myself was over two years ago. So this time around, in-keeping with my resolution to get rid of my Fab India shirts, I went and bought loads of stuff - shirts, shoes, jeans, jackets, glasses, soap (from Fab India ... what to do ... creature of habit), green tea with tulsi (I don't drink tea, but it seemed like a fun thing to buy) and on and on and on. Energizer bunny was not bought. Thanks, sis ... soap over hone vaala hai ... aur bhej.

As much as I love San Diego, one of the main reasons I crave being in either SFO or NYC (or Paris - oui, c'est vrai) is because these cities are crowded, and busy, and they are full of people who have something to do and someplace to go. SD is more like a really expensive retirement community (in your face, Florida !!), but after three years of being here, I'm bored. Fine, I'm boring too ... but I'd much rather not blame myself, thank you very much. Also, having been born and brought up in Delhi, surrounded by a sea of people, makes me crave crowds ... which were present in abundance when I was back.

K's wedding
I had the most awesome time, even though I wasn't the one getting married. Friends' weddings are always fun - you're just expected to show up, smile, and since they know that all you really care about is the alcohol and the food and having an overall good time, there is no need to make polite conversation with the usual sea of relatives you dislike (areyyy .. kitna badaa ho gaya hai!!) at family weddings; leaving you free to have the afore-mentioned good time. Which, of course, was had.

Details ... just coz ...

Oh before anything - standard disclaimer so as not to get pummeled the next time I see her - K looked absolutely stunning in everything she wore ... she is the prettiest bride in the world .. she will make her K (oooh .. just hit me .. K weds K !!) the happiest man alive .. blah blah etc standard lines ...

So I attended the cocktails (duh!!) at Rendezvous, and even though I didn't know any one there, I mingled; and being the charming (or pushy and not good at taking hints, as some of my rude friends (ex-friends??) like to call it) lad that I am, had people lining up to talk to me. Ok, that's a lie. But I did mingle. Plus I'm sure everyone was quite impressed with the sync with which K and I danced ... little do people know that that's a skill which has been honed after years and years of practice at those school vaali dance parties, where Cotton Eye Joe Cotton Eye Joe Ladki Shehar Ki Ladki Saturday Night Macarena Who the Fuck Is Alice and so on and so forth was blaring in the background, while people were trying to "get with" people. You get the picture.

N arrived in town for the wedding, and it felt strangely deja-vu-ish when T, Piks, N and I were going to the venue together ... very beeti hui yaadein moment. I guess that's coz amongst all my friends (and I have many, seeing as how great a guy I am ... yeah, I am highly deluded!!) I still feel closest to these three fools from school. If only R was there, grant would have been complete. Lame inside joke, never mind. So anyways, we arrived, smiled, got our picture taken, then left K2 (haha ... K2 .. like the mountain) to jhelo everyone else. Ate a little bit of food, had some blue colored drink (Alas ... not Curacao ... which it should have been, considering the alcoholics K and K are!!) ... waited for AJ to arrive (fashionably late, as ever), had an even better time once she did (Piks was bored out of his skull ... he was raring to go to Buzz and get buzzed), and then left to make Piks happy.

Disclaimer 2 - AJ was looking as radiant as she always does .. if there ever was a person there who could give K (the woman K) competition it would have to be AJ ... she is pretty and beautiful and like a fairy prin .. *chokes*

The Buzz (and beyond) story is a post all in itself ... featuring Zee and the Leher Kurkerey boy.

Meeting AJ
I met her often, but not as often as I would have liked to. Has AJ changed ? Yes and no. She certainly has grown up, but still remains the crazy woman I had a massive crush on, and while the crush has been dead for some time now, the fondness I have for her is as strong as ever. She is one of the few people who is excellent at reading my facial expressions, and getting to know exactly what I'm thinking ... which is why I was surprised at her surprise when she and I talked in the car. Plus she is loads and loads of fun to be with. N, AJ and I had a great time talking about everything under the sun when we were at her place ... though I think I've decided not to forgive her for trying to poison me with that "fresh stuff" from whatever damn shop she got it from!

Christmas party at T's place (I better be called .. well, I'm going even if I'm not)
So naturally I was invited, and wasn't even told that the party was not happening when it really was ... who am I, N (he's going to kill me!!) ?? All his relatives were very glad to see me, or at least are really good actors. After all, they have seen me almost as often as they've seen him ... so much so that one of his aunts actually thought I didn't have a house and was staying with his family!! Which is still better than another aunt who, when she met me for the first time, thought I was a thief or a salesman or something and shut the door on my face just as I was about to enter his house as if I owned the place, since I did not know any other way to go in. What ? I'd played enough hide and seek there to know nooks and crannies she had no idea about!!

Drinks with B
Tabula Raasa - Square One mall. Wine, mojitos and finger food. The crazy aunties at the next couch. Perfect ambience. Great convo. Just-the-right-mood music. Secrets shared. The past discussed. A slight shock at the bill (damn India is expensive!). Did I really meet her after almost six years ?

The Delhi winter (for some reason, the song "dilli ki sardi" just popped into my head)
Honestly, I thought it would have been colder. From the 14th to the 29th, it was really a very warm winter, which led to my wearing T-shirts and pottering about the house, and led to mom screaming for me to wear a sweater, shawl etc.

Riding the metro
South to East. Very nice. Ab aur kya bolu ?

I have a love-price relationship with all auto vaale bhaiyaas, in that I love to haggle over price with them. Trust me, I almost always quote 10 rupees more than what it takes to get to where-ever it is that I'm trying to get to, but the moment they try and swindle me (and I know ... I've lived in Delhi forever), I just have to argue with them rather than take another auto. Bhaiyaa kya bol rahe ho ... jhooth bolke kya hoga .. meter se chal lo phir .. kya bakwaas main vaise hee zyaada de raha hoon ... nahi jaana toh yahan kyu khade ho ... kya main pehli baar jaa raha hoon kya wahaan?

*** Sidetrack - the crazy cow incident - So here I was, standing at one of the Kalkaji gol chakkar auto stands with a friend, after having enjoyed a delicious south Indian meal, when this total BTM (sorry for using such an archaic term, but there is no other way to describe her) pulls up in her Corolla, stops the car right next to me, assumes I'm an auto vaala and shouts "K-7" at me. Caught completely off guard due to my lack of comprehension (what if this was the code word to pick up guys ?!!?), I mumble "Huh" or some such thing, inducing her to screw up her pimply face even more, and loudly (and in a highly disgusted tone) remark "Ufff ... KAY SAVAAN?" ... Well, I was not having any of this gargoyle's attitude, and while I was tempted to shout back "no ... K-9" and bite her (geddit ?? hehehe) I instead put on my most haughty I-think-you-are-garbage expression (very easy for me to get) and said in my most I-am-phoren-return accent (also very simple to turn on and off) .. "I have no idea what the hell you're talking about?" .. and turned away since she had wasted quite a lot of my time which could have been used to discuss auto prices with the bhaiyaa. End Sidetrack ***

The clawwny aunties saying "Beta, have a roti" :)
Sadly, this was the only thing that did not happen ... not because the aunties read my blog (Good Lord ... how weird would that be ??!!?) and so decided not to call me over, but because I was acting all busy and important and simply did not have the time for individual dinners; specially not when such a large group of friends was in town. I did of course have lots of badaam kaaju kishmish etc. (Diwali leftovers, clearly) and smile/laugh politely when they asked me to get married and feigned interest in stories of how their kids have grown up and wavered between giving them aghast but just-the-right-amount of embarrassed looks and proudly puffing up my chest when they discussed what a shaitaan bachha I used to be and how syaana I have turned out and zzzzzz ....

All in all (or Net Net, as I learnt from Ka's blog) - a trip with everything (and more) I expected it to have.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Hai hai hai ...

Sunil Shetty (or Suniel Shetty, as he calls himself now - numerology zindabad) has always creeped me out - it's difficult to pinpoint the exact reason, but I think it has to do with his Angelina Jolie-ish lips. While they look hot and sultry on her, he just looks like a botox shot gone wrong. However, since SFO sent me this song on Orkut, and preceded it with a message that said "with louuuuu", I decided to watch the whole thing, and what's more, review it too. Really, the things I do for my friends !!!

So let's get right to it, shall we ?

Right from the get-go, it is obvious that Sunil is the dude in the song. I present to you exhibits A through C - a jazzed up bike, the Top Gun glasses and that shirt (OH MY GOD .. that shirt !!!) with SO-DA printed in big bold letters (how far ahead of his time was he, anyways ... endorsing stuff on his Janpath shirt much before Shahrukh and Amitabh made it the in thing to do). Now if Sunil is the dude, there has to be a bouncy brunette to complement him - played with aplomb by Karishma. It should be clear to one and all that this movie was far before her Manish Malhotra days - as is evident in her choice of dresses and hairstyles, not to mention her make-up. Twenty seconds into the song, and there she emerges, in her golden zari vaala green suit, wavy hair and bouncing like a pogo stick on crack.

Now while it would seem natural to concentrate on her, I urge you to take a look at the surrounding artists (the "biryani packet" variety, as the flatmate calls them). Check out the been bajate huey guys, in multicolored dhoti kurtas, with those "tap-tap-tapori" vaale bandanas ... and not to be outdone, the yellow purple white and pink women behind Karishma, giving her stiff competition gyration for bloody gyration !!! ... these girls are gonna earn their moneys worth, yes sirrreee !!

Toh now its 25 seconds in and the front row people need to be given something to hoot about ... so LoLo tells Sunil .. "meri pappi lo .. lo" ... and then turns her head away just at the right moment. Such a tease !!

Saroj Khan (I'm assuming it was her ... sweating away in her mighty glory) raises her hands upto the Lord our God and tells the pair ... "Aise karo .. jhatka maaro .. haath uthao" ... as if she is some major gospel singer. Sunil, useless dancer that he is, can barely co-ordinate moving his lips (ughh .. those lips) while moving his feet, toh the hands toh are totally out of the question. "Fine", says Saroj, "tum pocket mein haath daal ke hiltey raho. Karuuu baby, double the jhatka, ok ?" ... and the first chorus begins. Go on, you know you wanna watch.

During the second part of the chorus, the director gets innovative and makes us look past Sunil by giving the background phattas these major dhols ... all color coordinated to match the yellow purple white pink women. Sach mein, quite tasteful.

Now at this point, I must admit, that while I don't much care for the lines of this song, I find the Hai Hukku Hai Hukku Hai Hai bit quite catchy, and am often found snapping my fingers to it. I really am quite old school.

Also, I simply must pause here and give a special mention to those three (and a half) pink women at 1 minute 20 seconds into the song. They're dancing quite well together, and their thumkas are a must see. Hai hai ...

1minute 37 seconds - virgin LoLo in a virginal white dress.

1 minute 42 seconds - second round of hoots from the front seaters.

I think this whole white dress (LoLo) black dress (Shetty) sequence was supposed to be kinda like a Radha-Krishan scene ... the bansuri in the backgrond, plus the women dressed up as gopis in their jhataak lehenga cholis is a clear give-away.

2 minutes in, and we see why the costume designer of the movie is today an out of work individual. Was Karishma going for the confused businesswoman look with that bun inside the red cap, accompanied by her Superman type latt, and the orange suit ... and what the hell is going on with the shirt Shetty is wearing ... ugly curtains, anyone ? I also just realized .. while his shirts have been going from bad to worse, his jeans have remained the same black pair. Chalo, after all, black goes with everything, yes ? No.

And what the fuck is going on with all the dhaplis in the park ? Yeh kaunsa garden hai ?? Bappi Laheri's backyard ?

Ab another minute and 15 seconds have passed, and Sunil has heard our plea ... but alas, he has decided to go from orange-black to an all blue look ... kinda like this year's Australian Open court. Karishma has decided that pinkish-orange goes marvelously with blue ... I'm guessing they were going for the setting sun in the sky effect. The women in the back have a yellow lehenga, but what really stands out is the topi thing on top ... very "hothon mein aisi baat", if you ask me.

And within a brief 30 seconds, the director decides to blind everyone. What else could explain the purple monstrosities that the two of them are made to wear ? But just as our eyes are closing up, we manage to see the horse drawn carriages passing thorough the scene as the song comes to a close, and wonder what in the world made us watch this rubbish in the first place. We curse SFO, and decide to delete all future scraps from him without analyzing the videos tucked within.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Hence proved

Dorothy's post about life’s meaning and all that (or at least that's what I gathered it was about) made me think about the question she poses - what came first - the chicken or the egg ?

It's simple, really.

God (or a scientist, depending on your religious beliefs ... or lack of them, thereof), in His (or Her, if you so please ... doesn't really matter to me) infinite wisdom, and also so that I may one day answer the question, made them both at exactly the same time. This, needless to say, (but is still being said for those of you not quite as quick on the uptake) was done in heaven, there-by posing the problem of transportation of the two to Earth, seeing as how He had decided to create wildlife before elevators. So, He picked up the chicken, turned it around, and stuffed the egg up its ass; and threw it towards Earth. The chicken, dumb bird that it is (the only bird more dumb is the turkey), didn't realize what happened, flew down and crash landed on the ground (since it hadn’t ... and still hasn't ... quite perfected the art of flying, seeing as it had just been made), where-upon the egg popped safely out.

And, as the story goes, eggs have been popping out of chickens ever since.

Bad Decision No. 17

Grow a beard.

Friday, January 18, 2008

The India Posts - III

What rubbish, you hardly know me.

But I think I can tell.

Alright, shoot.

Some one who knows what he wants from his life or atleast appears to, some one who wants to be loved, yet is a little skeptical somewhere; an individual who doesn't want to be particularly tied down yet wants to be cared for... a sensible, mature person - at times maybe too pragmatic and at the cost of allowing yourself to dream and be creative ... and some one careful of where he treads. Also an individual for whom common courtesies are important...


The India Posts - II

The Indian Alphabet

Indian Geometry
Point triangle square rectangle circle rhombus angle ellipse

- Coz clearly, we don't fukkin know what a Q or a line is.

The India Posts - I

December 13th, 2007

I'm 27 today. God, that's old. Now anyone who knows me even remotely well will agree that I'm a total attention whore, and I'm ok with that. But I've been "celebrating" my 27th birthday all by myself, surrounded by strangers at various airports, quite zonked out due to lack of sleep, and suffering from a cough, cold and fever.

So I guess it is now time for introspection (or, to introspect, as it were). I have 8 hours before I land in Delhi, this god awful plane does not have individual tv screens, I'm surrounded by boring people who are constantly trying to read what I'm writing (take that, you nosy uncle!), I've finished the book I had brought along, I'm feeling too sick to eat, I'm not sleepy, and I'm actually quite dreading this flight - hence , let me introspect, let me dig deep into my heart and my mind to figure out the various truths that a person at 27 should have figured out.

- complete silence -

Ok, this isn't going as well as I thought it would. I haven't had one frikkin epiphany - why am I here, where do I want to go, what do I want to do, and how does teflon stick to the pan?

Since none of the great truths are revealing themselves to me, and since the geek in me is still alive, I think I shall make a list of my goals for the next two years. I've thought about a few of them already, and they aren't as frivolous as my goals at 25 - thumb ring, blue hair ... err .. ok. Here goes ...

Not be single - Toh after a little over two years of being happily single, I think it is high time for me to make someone miserable. Plus it doesn't help that almost everyone I know or hang out with is either married, committed (as in a relationship, not in an asylum ... though God knows most of them need to be!!), or seeing someone. And while abhi there are still some cool singletons (yes, I'm trying to make myself feel better) around, I suspect that number is going to dwindle quite soon. Oh ... there's the bandwagon. *Jump*. I'm off to go shop for a personality.

Invest - I'm boring in life. I don't do the clubbing bit, or the pubbing bit, or the try new things all the time bit (matlab I do do all these now and then, but not really often), I don't shop, I don't do drugs, and I don't have any reason to send money anywhere. The only place I really do spend is when I travel, which I really enjoy (except for this damn 24 hour flight ... yuck!). As a result, I don't have much cause to spend. But since I am both dumb and lazy, my money is rotting away in a bank, and it's high time to invest. Which I shall.

Change career - I'll be honest ... I actually do like what I do, and I'm quite good at it, as previous posts of mine can attest to. Haan, modesty is my middle name. But I know this is not what I'm cut out to do. Toh what am I meant to do in life ? Sadly, I don't know (T, stop shaking your head in a disappointed fashion!!) ... I just know I don't wanna be doing what I'm doing now when I turn 40 (which, unfortunately, doesn't seem too far off!). So I'm going to spend the next couple of years figuring out and doing what I need to do. I wonder what I'd need to do to just sit on my ass all day. Oh yeah ... invest! ... which I haven't. Crap.

Take a trip - As I mentioned, traveling is fun. And after the trip to Europe this year, I am all the more enthu to see more of the world. If the friends who were there could be at other places too, nothing like it ... but if not, I'm sure I can find some other fun people to go with. I'll keep them drugged so they don't get sick of me *insert evil laughter*. So I think I shall try going to either one or more of the following places next year - Alaska (already have an offer), London (Wimbledon ... better ask flatmate what's happening with this), Cairo (I invited myself over to a colleague's wedding) and Australia (to check whether Kangaroos really do exist). Fun!!

Get an ab - Kung-Fu movies are great fun to watch. The fighters in them invariably have a six pack. I resolve to get atleast a one pack by the time 2008 is over. Currently, I'm less Bruce Lee and more Laughing Buddha. What if I started by turning bulimic ? No no no ... I hate the taste of puke. Ughhh.

Dress better - It really isn't my fault that I dress the way I do - comfortably unkempt. I was in a one-horse town in Maharashtra for four years, where we used to go to "hotels" in our hawai chappals. I currently work as a geek in a sea of engineers, and I think the only people who dress worse than us are the Olsen twins. Toh naturally I have no sense of style what-so-ever. Plus I have been majorly affected by Fab India shirts for the last three years (I have 34 of them ... I know ... I'll get a life when I'm out shopping for that personality). So I think it's time to take sis shopping in Delhi, and have a wardrobe upheaval.

Hmm .. not too bad a list, if I do say so myself. Oh lord, I think I just saw voyeuristic uncle nodding in approval !! Time to stop writing and give him a dirty look. Om shanti shanti.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

The other side of the story

"Officer, you have to help me", she said, hysterical with panic.

"Now now, Mrs. D.", said the officer, quite used to neurotic wives worried about their husbands - who, unfortunately, had more often than not found a younger tart to go off with. There's plenty of fish in the sea, the officer chuckled to himself.

"But officer," she continued, "I am fairly certain he was scared for his life. He kept saying he knew who was after him".

"Really", said the officer indulgantly. "And who, pray tell, might this person be? Having a name would surely get things moving, now wouldn't it?"

"Oh oh oh," she said, clearly straining her brain (a rather miniscule one for someone so large, thought the officer, a bit unkindly), "I don't quite know, but I think he is called 'The Smile'".

"The Smile? Now that's a strange name! And how long has your husband been missing?"

"He went away more than a month ago, and he's never away that long. Oh officer, you must help me. I have no where else to go."

He would normally have turned her away, but he noticed small tears forming around the corners of her eyes, tears that would normally have been lost in the surrounding, had it not been for his keen vision.

His heart melted a little bit.

"Very well, Mrs. D., so what is your husband's name?"

"Moby" ...