Monday, October 27, 2008

I'm not a horrible person .. I think

I'm sorry ... really ... but I just find this too funny, and while I try not to post videos, this one needs to be here so I can find it whenever I want ...



Girlfriend's "meat and potatoes" ass did her in!!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Haanji, single

As I was standing behind this senior staff engineer (two levels above me - I'm a senior engineer now .. woohoo!!) in the break room this morning, waiting for him to get done with toasting his breakfast and allowing me to grab a glass for water, he turned slowly around, gave me a (in retrospect) rather creepy half-smile, and asked in a (in retrospect) sultry siren-ish tone - Are you single ?

Now since I was not quite sure whether he was making a pass at me (I was looking quite spiffy in my formal clothes, after all - I had just come back from my high school teaching duties - another story ... another time), or simply making conversation since Americans seem to find silence quite constricting and must fill it with totally inane "polite" remarks, I refrained from giving him a highly contemptuous look and saying "Ughh, you're totally not my type", and instead smiled politely and said, "yes, very very single". Once again, in retrospect, a simple yes should have sufficed .. what if I gave him ideas ?!?!!

He nodded serenely, and went back to spreading cream cheese on his bagel, which thankfully had popped out at the right time. Hoping I did not come across as being interested in his good self, I quickly remarked - "You're married, right?" ... he sigh-ed, ho-hum-ed and nodded. Then turned around once more, and inquired about my age. After learning that I was (a sprightly?) 28, he said - "Enjoy your freedom" ... and walked away, quite ready, I am certain, to make love to his bagel. By eating it. Such a gutter minded readership I have!!

Which now brings me to the point of the post. Why have I heard so many married people use that expression ? Why in the world are you not "free" once you're married and/or committed ? I get the whole ball and chain bit, I really do ... but you're still free, aren't you ? I guess you have to think about someone besides yourself, which hopefully you'd want to. And in any case, single people aren't all that self centered. We still live in and interact with the rest of the world, and we do think and care about our friends and family, sometimes doing stuff we may not want to.

The flatmate and I have noticed on more than one occasion that a lot of married people look so .. dull .. depressed .. when they're in restaurants together. And these aren't even people who seem to have been married a long time .. they're young couples ... silently eating their food, sometimes not exchanging a single word the entire time. Now of course they might be going through some difficult times, or they might have taken a maun-vrat that day, or maybe they speak different languages ... but we've observed this far too often. It's strange to me ... have you already run out of stuff to say to each other in a few years time ? And then having to live with the same person ... presumably forever ?? Wow ... now that would be quite prison-ish!!!

Friday, August 29, 2008

Accidents Will Happen

I never expected for this to come about. Well, that isn't entirely true. I understood the risk I was taking when I set out to create it. But I always took the necessary precautions. And yet, things went wrong. I thought I was safe ... clearly, not safe enough.

My reasons behind fashioning the weapon seem unimportant now. It started out as an experimental technique, which blew out of proportion.

Haah ... blew out of proportion, indeed.

And now I walk, all alone, surrounded by this swarm of humanity. People think that death is like an end, when it is in fact just another form of life. I still feel pain, and hurt, and strangely, cold. I am still here.

And yet, I am not.

They pass through me, without realizing my presence. I yearn to talk, to be heard ... if only for a moment. But I know that will no longer happpen.

Such were my thoughts when I saw her. Our eyes met, she looked past me, and then ... looked back. I knew that face. She was in the same facility as I. And I saw a flicker of recognition register itself on her countenance.

I knew she had no part to play in all of this, but for being an uncomprehending worker in the building, and felt I owed her an apology. I walked up to her, and said ...

I'm sorry that we died. It was my fault.

Her eyes told me she knew more that I did. She smiled, a sad smile, and replied ...

We didn't.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Ouch!

This colleague at work was telling me about his kidney stone removal operation that happened last month (trust me, you - specially guys- do not want to know the details!!!), which got me thinking once again about that non-answerable question (well, apart from "What is the taste of cyanide?") ...

Which is more painful - a guy being kicked in the groin, or child birth ?

Perhaps (s)he would know ?

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Phir se single

I am sad this morning.

After over two and half years of being together, she left me last night. No reason. No explanation. No last look. Not even a wave goodbye. She just went away.

We met just before Christmas of '05; thanks to a friend of mine who knew I was into her ... I refrain from using the words "wanted her" because that would sound a bit desperate and creepy. Anyhow, we were introduced, and I knew right away that she was the one for me. Even though most of my friends did not feel the same, and some of whom even told me so (GG, no ... you don't look good together!!), I was smitten. Whether liked or not, she certainly did catch peoples' attention, that's for sure.

She and I spent a lot of time together ... in fact, we were only apart when I was at work, and sometimes not even then. She wasn't the prettiest, or the smartest, or even someone who provided me a constant sense of comfort. But she and I were close ... the kind of closeness that arises out of familiarity. I think I am missing her more because I had gotten used to her. Sometimes, I would be touching her, holding her ... without even realizing it.

And now she has gone. And I ... am sad.

Goodbye, my darling thumb ring ... you will not be easily replaced.

*Update* (1 hour after writing the post): Hallelujah ... she's back!

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Grannie speaks

Hello, young tots. This is GG, your gram-gram. It is about 11:20 pm on Saturday night, and I have tucked myself into bed after having taken a shower and brushing my teeth. Since the weather is quite warm as it is, I have not bothered with a hot-water bottle. I have dined on a delicious sandwich from Subway, and have put the second load of laundry to dry. I have also read my book for a bit. The fan now hums slowly and I get comfortable, and begin to write.

Yes I know ... I should kill myself. I will be 28 in four months, and I am already such an old lady!!!

The flatmate and Captain Nimmo have gone off to OC to attend a desi singles mixer event called "Nasha Nites" (I shall certainly not make fun of the name, mainly due to the name of the event I attended some time back), and while they were supposed to be back by 11pm so that we could all go out and they could fill me in with the details over drinks (a sad attempt by me to salvage my weekend, I guess!), I spoke to the flatmate an hour back and they weren't even going to start driving back till about 11:30 or so!! By the by, the flatmate was also out last night, while I once again chose to stay at home even though I was invited ... of course, that was because I would not have been back from the gym (yes, you read that right - the gym - more on that later) in time to make it. Incidentally, dear N has also been partying away in NYC tonight ... he called me on his way back home - at 1:20 am!

God ... when was the last time I got off my ass and went out ? Oh yes, that would have been last week, when Chet forced me to go see Mama Mia!! (I was quite scared that an invite to "The Sisterhood of the traveling pants" would come this week!) To his credit, he did suggest we leave when I looked at him for the third time and told him that I was going to kill him, just as Meryl Streep finished her spasmodic gestures after the title song. Then again, that could have been because I looked ready to walk out, and since I had driven, I had the option to leave ... and he would have had to trudge back home! Oh, while we're on the topic of driving and grandmas, he (and he is going to kill me if he ever reads this) drives like one. You know you're a slow driver when doddering Chinese ladies honk at you, shouting "Get off the road, you old hag" !!! (Chet ... you know I'm kidding, right? ... can I please still crash at your place in the city once you move to Manhattan? :D). Well, we got out, and talked about random stuff for a bit, a large part of which was the whole "growing up" bit. Is it really time to settle down now ?

Anyhow, so that's the deal with my social life ... or lack of it there-of. In other news, I started to go to the gym once again since yesterday. The reason ? Well, I shall list it out here exactly as I told both N and Canucki (neither of whom seemed to have been the least bit interested ... hmph .. witless wonders) - essentially, the Government of India sent me a letter declaring me to be a monument of historical significance, and after I had spent a long time clarifying how I was in fact not the Elephanta caves, I decided to hit the gym. But seriously, if my mid section gets any bigger, I swear a moon will start revolving around it. Plus I will be in NYC in 12 weeks, which should be just enough time to do something about my corpulence! There isn't any relation, but just gives me a date to work towards.

Speaking of dates (the calendar kinds, not the wine and dine ones - which reminds me, it has been absolute ages since I went on one!! Kya zindagi hai.), my GMAT date is fast approaching, and as suspected, I have not done enough to prepare. Ughh ... why do I always end up procrastinating ? I have one month to go ... and I know that if I really get down to it, that would be sufficient time to finish up my preparation, and look up some college information ... but will I ?

I certainly hope I do ... a reason for it to possibly not have happened would have been my joining facebook a couple of days back (after B goaded me endlessly. Ok fine - told me a couple of times, but she used her chaeeeen type voice!) and spending all my free time being voyeuristic, but perhaps either because I have joined the bandwagon about eight months too late, or because I am just not inclined enough to fill out my profile and write on peoples' "walls", I doubt that that will prove to be a distraction. Which is good, coz God knows it doesn't take much to take me away from being productive.

So that's that for now. Hopefully I shall wake up bright and early tomorrow morning, full of energy and a desire to get things done ... will bound out of bed, get ready, make a hearty breakfast, and study for a few hours before lunch. I have a small drama thing to go for at 4, which should last a couple of hours, at which time I shall go and exercise. A delicious dinner will follow another couple of hours of studying, at which time I shall go to bed - happy, content and satisfied.

Or I'll wake up at about 9, dawdle around till about 1, curse myself for having wasted the day, decide it isn't worthwhile doing anything effectual since I anyways have a drama thing at 4, following which I will be too tired to do anything but go and eat some high calorie food, and will then sit in my papasan chair and stare at the TV till it's time for me to go and drop on to my bed after having had such a tiring day!

Oh Lord ... I think I know which plan is going to be followed.

Crap.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Zen from sitcoms

I was watching "The Golden Girls" while eating my cereal this morning (yes, I think it's funny. Certainly infinitely better than Jerry Springer, which was my 7-minute passtime a few years back), when this dialogue made me think (an act, as those who know me would attest to, that rarely happens) ...

Sophia (who is about 90+): I've decided I'm going to do something with my life. I think I'll go to law school.
Dorothy (mockingly): But maa, you'll be 96 by the time you get out!
Sophia: So what ? I'll be 96 anyway.

Hmm ...

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Never a dull moment

Observe - the goings-on in a one hour lunch meeting:

- The speaker is prattling on and on. Seriously, no one is really interested. Everyone is there for lunch, which is yet to arrive, and so there is a large amount of fidgeting going on. In walks this dude who just happens to be the Director, ignores the poor girl who is trying to explain the concepts of some research she has done (yes, I wasn't listening either ... I was busy reading the news), and loudly asks ... "WHATTT ?? NO LUNCH !!??!!"

- While I am in the middle of replying to some mails, I am constantly being interrupted by this *tikk* *tikk* kinda noise. I finally look up, only to see this woman in front of me busily clipping her frikkin nails, completely oblivious to the fact that not only is that highly impolite, but is grossly gross!!!

- Finally, lunch arrives ... and the poor speaker is all but forgotten. There is a mad rush to grab a box (I was the picture of decorum at this time, since the floor clerk - who likes me a lot ... coz I'm a wonderful person - informed me that she was just going to pick up some more boxes), which takes about 10 minutes or so; during which time the silly presenter is still boring all and sundry. Thankfully, someone picked up a box for her.

- To my right is this person who has a highly irritating laugh. It's really hard to describe ... firstly, it's not a "heh heh heh" or a "ho ho ho" or even a "ha ha ha" ... it's more of a "heehaw haawhee snort" kinda thing ... and second, he always laughs unnecessarily (Oh he is not here today because of a doctor's appointment ... heehaw hawhee snort), which bugs me even more. I think I have given him this look of "oh shut the fuck up that's not funny" many times, but I guess it gets buried in my sugary smile (yes I'm highly fake at work!), or perhaps he's totally dense. In any case, he turns to me, and points to the label on his box, enquiring what it says since he is apparently unable to read cursive writing! I decide to show off my extensive knowledge of "world food" and inform him that it's a chicken tamale. He stares at the box for a second, turns to me, "laughs" ... and says ... "Oooo, I thought it was female" !!!! I swear it took all my strength to keep from punching him.

What the hell is wrong with engineers?

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

A Deed Most Foul

The inspector looked up from his desk. The door opened before he could speak, and in entered his most trusted detective.

"I can tell you've brought me bad news, Detective," the inspector spoke, signing a paper as he did.

"Unfortunately so, Sir," the detective replied. "Our findings are conclusive. It is as you suspected."

"You sure about this?"

"The evidence, Sir, is incontrovertible."

"I was afraid of that," sighed the inspector. "This just makes the case all the more difficult. You know about his close ties with the royals, right?"

The detective waited.

The inspector continued - "Well, I guess we have our work cut out. I will go and let His Highness know. Do you have any leads? Any key suspects?"

"Not yet, Sir," said the detective, looking a bit apologetic. "My whole team is working on the case, but as you know, when one is that famous, enemies are not hard to come by. Even though there weren't any witnesses, we do know now that it was not an accident, but haven't been able to find a fingerprint match so far. Plus there may be more clues buried in the mess. It'll take some time to sort it all, which is not going to be easy. Even the royal guard has been trying."

"Well, we shall let them do whatever they need to. Please continue your investigation. I think it is time for me to head out."

The detective saluted, and left. The inspector followed, went down to the parking lot, and drove his car to the palace, where he was granted a prompt audience with the king, who got straight to the point.

"So, inspector, what news do you bring me?"

"I'm sorry to inform you, your Majesty, but ...", he hesitated.

"Go on."

"... but, Humpty Dumpty ... was pushed."

Sunday, July 20, 2008

It's 2 am

Can't sleep. Tossed and turned for 45 minutes, then turned on the laptop once more. Wide awake now.

Must sleep. Planning to cook a fancy (well, by my standards) brunch/lunch.

Menu:

Champagne. Will not be cooking this, obv! Have gotten the "right kind" of glasses, though.
Mushroom toast with pepper jack cheese and jalapeno mustard
Chicken Alfredo
Mushroom-tomato-cheese-avocado omelettes with scallions on top

Does my talent, like my modesty, know no bounds?

The flatmate says moo

The family is off on a vacation, people in SD are partying away, as is N in NYC - he attended two parties tonight (and apparently formed the UN, or shot a Benetton ad).

I - am ill.

I was whining to the flatmate about how everyone but me is having fun.

[whiny voice] Tchhh ... everyone but me is having fun.

[Not interested voice] Oh please.

Whaaaaat ?? It's true.

You get invited to a lot of parties!

[What the ... is he on crack?] Nooo ... are you mad? What parties?

[Tang mat kar ...] Dekh, agar you would have been invited to said parties in SD, then also you wouldn't have gone. You know it.

Haan ... true.

Dammit, perceptive cow kahin ka.

European memoirs - I'm not going

The family leaves in about 9 hours - on their way to a 16-day vacation in Europe, as part of the SOTC package. Everything has already been arranged, right from the flight back and forth, to the various pick-ups, the food, the accomodation, sight-seeing, the tour guides and shopping expeditions.

Dad traveled through Europe ages back, when there were hardly any Indians there. Mom is far smarter than me with directions, signs, maps, money, documents, languages. Sis is a seasoned traveler both within and outside of India.

And yet, I'm feeling nervous. As if somehow, based on my 10-day stint in 3 cities last year, it would have been better had I been there.

I want to be a kid again.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Nahi, no dawai ... ooowokk

I've got a terrible cough, a runny nose, and a fever. As a child, whenever I'd get sick, my poor mother had the toughest time because - a) I would refuse to have any medicine, and puke it out if and as soon as I did, and - b) I'd constantly ask her when would I get well. I've been asking myself the same question for the last three days, and even I'm sick of me.

Somehow, she answered it every single time.

I want my mommmmyyyyy ...

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

OMFG - I couldn't resist

Ok ... I'm sorry ... I swear I tried to resist. But the more I see the video in the previous post, the more irritated I get. Now any one who is even remotely logical would tend to ask - "if the video bugs you, why do you keep watching it?", but since the readership of this blog is made up of mostly dense individuals (and hence the return to said blog with its inane posts, no?), all five of whom I have just lost; I do not have to worry about answering that question.

Before I go on, the answers are:

- No
- No
- Yes, but is this the best our country can do ?
- Evidently so.
- Most definitely
- Like Pamela's boobs.
- Bitch, please!

The questions are:

- Do you think it is right to be judgmental about someone you hardly know ?
- Do you have the balls to reach the Miss Universe pageant ?
- Do you think she must have something in her to have made it this far ?
- My God ... are you a horrible, bitchy, sad little individual ?
- In your opinion, could she have been trained better ?
- Does she come across as fake ?
- What would you say to her if she spoke like that in front of you ?

*Sidenote* - the flat mate thinks she is pretty. I do not. At all.

- What was your favorite subject in school and why?

Simran, it's be-CAU-se ... it is not be-cuzzzz. You learnt that in school. Or should have. You are representing India. Do not annihilate your accent just beCAUse that troll Donald Trump owns the pageant.

Oooh ... "trickiness is what catches you", is it ? That is SUCH a fukkin rehearsed answer. I'm sure you would love it if someone were to swindle you, right ? You'd be caught right and proper then!

- If the statement, "you are what you eat", is true, you would be a _______

Take a moment. Think. Formulate your answer. Then open your mouth. Don't rush into it, stumble over the question itself and then look disturbed. Thanks. And please pardon me, but to me you came across as ekdum bland Dhania powder.

- What's the best gift you've ever received and why ?

I may be wrong here, but shouldn't the subject and the verb agree ? "The best gift I have ever received are the blessings" ??? The subject is the gift - in its singular form. The verb must follow suit.

Also, if you choose to speak in your fake-ass English, then at least get your diction right. How noble, mahaan (and once again, super rehearsed) you are that you don’t believe in mate-riya-listic things!!

- Share one quirky habit you have. How long have you had it ?

Yes, you are right - it is really unusual (here, I, taking a cue from you, enlarge my eyes as I type, for added effect) that you are empathetic towards animals.

By the by, a dog is also an animal, you dumb cow.

But wait, it seems that I, like you, have spoken typed without giving it a second thought. Let's just go back and listen to your answer in its entirety. From what I can tell, your unusual habit is that if the animal is still alive, or if you have the strength, and if the guys who ran over the animal (very morose, really) are still around, you would love to go and scream at them. NOT help the animal ?

I'm guessing that the help part is what you were fumbling to say, but again, perhaps this answer wasn't rehearsed enough, and like before, you chose to make it up as you went along. Bravo.

- If there were one particular wardrobe item that you couldn’t live without, what would it be and why ?

I stand 5 feet 10 inches tall. Yes yes yes, I know you have been asked to answer any and all questions about your height in this manner. But it's just so ... ugh, I don't know - trite, almost.

And again, if those heels gave your body a very good posture, I would understand that. But how are they giving your body a verrrry good posturrrre? How the hell did the Rs start rolling all of a sudden, when they did not do so during your not being mate-riya-listic?

All in all, congratulations and all that. But even at the risk of sounding unpatriotic, we so did not deserve to win.

Monday, July 14, 2008

OMFG!!

The Miss India interview at Miss universe 2008.
I have so much to say, but I think the video pretty much speaks for itself.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

And now, back to the show ...

So first the good news - I will be a daddy in 5 months or so.

I shall give you a minute to digest this information before I go on.

60 59 58 57 56 55 54 53 52 51
50 49 48 47 46 45 44 43 42 41
40 39 38 37 36 35 34 33 32 31
30 29 28 27 26 25 24 23 22 21
20 19 18 17 16 15 14 13 12 11
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0

Yes, it's true. At least that's the explanation I'm choosing to go with to account for my reflection every morning. As previously mentioned, if it's a boy, he will be named Ghattu ... the girl will be Shurpi.

If one was to go looking for the real reason, it would obviously be a total lack of exercise, along with loads of amazing khaana that the flatmate's folks make every day. As a result, I am in shape - yes, round is a shape. Not that I'm complaining ... come on, how often do I get fresh dosas for breakfast ? However, they are here for another week, after which, while I shall be quite sad about them leaving, I really really need to lose some quite some weight. Of course, part of the reason (and yes, I know it's going to sound like an excuse) has to be the last month, when I was working like a total dog.

*Sidenote* Just how much work do dogs do ? *End sidenote*

Work, which is being less of a pain ever since I went to my boss last week and told him I'm leaving the team. Luckily, he didn't call my bluff ... well, it was a bluff only in the sense that I wouldn't have quit the team, but I was very close to complete exhaustion with the amount of work that was being thrown my way - 23 days in a row, about 16 -17 hours a day, no weekends. It's a good thing that my boss is a great guy ... not many bosses would take kindly to being told that people at his level don't do any work! Anyhoo, still have a job, they've got me an intern, and they're hiring a full time engineer. About frikkin time, to be honest.

In other news, I've finally started studying for the GMAT. I guess taking the date jolted me into action. I still need to get through a buttload of stuff, plus there is the whole college application process, but I'm hoping to stay motivated. Of course, for that to happen, I need to stop corresponding with "friends" such as dear dear Piks, who sent the following reply to my mail informing him I won't be able to join him in London in August coz it'll be quite close to my exam date ...

GMAT!!! You plan to be one of those wannabe cool buddhas in the mba classes???

Yes, he is supposed to be one of my closest pals. No wonder I'm always miserable.

Oh, speaking of people who make my life difficult, the flatmate struck again, a couple of days back. He and I decided to get ourselves lazy boy chairs (that's just what I need to meet my get-in-shape goal ... perfect!!), and we were at the furniture store with his folks, and since he needed a mattress, I was giving my expert opinion - please stop reading more into it that what it was! Anyways, I tried a couple of mattresses, and since my words are held in such high regard by all and sundry, I said ...

Yeah, this one is better. That one is kinda firm .. and this other one is too soft. But this one is just right.

To which the (bitchy) flatmate replied ...

Yes yes, Goldilocks. I got it.

Once again, see what I live with!!!!

So I guess that's about all that's going on with me at the moment. I know I wanted to write in a number of times in the past, but have just been too lazy or uninspired. I could have written about the talk I had with N about growing up, but I'm sure that's something he and I will discuss an equal (or more) number of times in the future as we have in the past. Speaking of growing up old, he turns 18 in a few days. Advance Happy Birthday, N. 30 really is the new 20! :D

That's it for now. I guess (hope?) the "cartoon" in the last post has brought me back to blog-world, albeit with a diminished sense of the funnies. Oh well.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Thursday, June 5, 2008

One life to live

He awoke with a start. His clothes were sweaty. He got up to wash his face.

It had been fourteen years, but the nightmares had not stopped. He could still see that face clearly ... the sneer, those eyes without any trace of emotion, those strong hands. And that knife. Drip. Drip. Drip. Even today, he heard every drop of blood fall to the floor, he heard her screams ... trying to fight off her killer ... shouting to him for help, but he remained hidden. He knew he could have stopped her from dying if he wanted ... or at least give her a fighting chance. But that would have meant him having to suffer the same fate as her. And he chose to live.

But was this a life ? Fourteen years of the same vision. He wanted to be free, but that would no longer be possible. By not saving her, he had doomed himself to suffer a fate worse than hers.

He washed his face and looked up into the mirror ... and recoiled in shock. He saw the killer's face stare back at him, just as the prison alarm sounded.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Overheard at work today I

[Woman on her cellphone, standing next to a fax machine]: Ohhh I made a mistake. I accidentally sent it to the wrong number. Instead of sending it to your fax number, I sent it to your listed phone number.

My thought - Then how the hell did it go across, you stupid cow ? Didn't you check the damn fax report which must have said "Move away from the machine, you illiterate" ??

I think I need a few days off.

Monday, April 28, 2008

How he's grown

There was a time when I was a FOB. Well, in some ways, I still think I am; plus I've never really thought of FOB (or ABCD, for that matter) to be insulting; but I'm not as FOB-by as I used to be. Which is something I realized while going through some old mails today - from roughly 10 days in August - September 2002 (right after I had gotten off the boat plane) - yes, I have some of those mails still saved. Yes, I'm actually quite sentimental, as, I'm sure, if obvious from reading my posts!

And here is what I had written back then ...

Khair, once on the plane, I was quite happy to see the cool tv screens and all
This was probably because while I have been flying since I was a kid, this was my first international flight - unless you count Nepal, but then, that flight didn't have screens in front of every seat. Kuwait Air did.

The blankets that they gave us were amazing, just the right size and majorly warm
The same blankets now seem small and coarse. Frikkin spoilt I am.

The trip was all the more amazing because of this air hostess called Tsvetanka Piedelieva ..... definitely one of the prettiest women I have ever seen ... and extremely sweet
Tsvetanka, if you read this, drop me a line. I still think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Finally, I decided to call and was lookin around for a 1 dollar coin
This was still at JFK, not at the airport in Cincinnati ...

The bath was AMAZING. Totally firang waala - with a glass door to the tub and shower and everything
Yes, I was being the wide eyed desi boy at my chacha's place.

They have this super speed net connection and a bahut cool comp.with laser printer and all. Bade hi amreekan type ke log hain
I still had dial up at the time. Which is what I used to do all my research and stuff when I was applying to universities in the US. And today, I get pissed if Gmail takes more than a second to load.

So I was telling my sis over chat as to how my chacha's kids (10 and 5 years old at the time) had waited to have dinner with me ...

and the day I came, we reached home at about 9:30 and had dinner at 10 but they both waited for me and had dinner with us only. quite sweet.

And my sis goes ...

sooo sweet ... how well mannered ... hum bhi aise nahi hain

I don't think it needs to be pointed out that the sis is given to being highly dramatic at times!

And the FOB-biness continued with ...

tu fridge dekhti to faint ho jaati ..... stocked with evrything imaginable yaar
I sound like one of those really starved kids.

then we walked to dominoes for lunch ... bada accha pizza tha ... much better than india vaala
Errr ...

And I had this new thing called smirnoff ice ... badi hi tasty thi
I guess breezers weren't as popular in India then. Or were they ? Dammit ... was I uncool even then ??!!??

New York is divided into 6 parts -- queens, brooklyn, manhattan, long island ... where I am, Bronkx and New York city). Manhattan is the major cool hang out type of joint
I don't know how accurate my Geography is, but I soooo maintain that Manhattan is still what I thought it was all those years ago. N ... I'm coming around soon, btw.

I continued to tell the sis about some long lost cousin aunt I had met ...

Also, she said that when she was in India she had come to our place and had seen my snap and then she says "maine tumhari mummy se kaha ki Gaurav ko dekhe hue bahut time ho gaya ... bada chhota and cute hua karta THA !!!" .... I did not know whether that was an insult or a compliment.
Again, Errr ...

It was good, but you're supposed to have it with this green coloured paste kinda thing which hits you so badly ... its like eating a spoonful of mustard sauce rookha !!!
*Braces self* This was me describing eating sushi with wasabi. Dammnn … what village did I come from ?!?!

Now for -insert annoying young cousin's name- .... he is this obese kid, who might be sweet, but lacks all respect .... maybe because he's american or something ..... but hes the kind of kid whose face i feel like slapping on sight.
Clearly, my love for kids has always been there.

I think I will call up chacha and say namaste today ...
Apparently I was showing off my Hindu sabhyata.

Aunty wanted to meet me. I dunno why, but I always remembered her as a bit of a chudail .... but she was very sweet.
I'm actually a really nice person. Honest.

I'm mailing everything so that I don't spend too much time answering questions over the phone :)
Which reminds me – I really need to start saving some!!!

And there were many more mails, but I’m sure the point is clear :)

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Birds of a feather

The flatmate, as sweet a child as he comes across to be, can be quite bitchy! Observe:

Me [showing him a picture of two slightly (ok, considerably) rotund people at a wedding]: See!
Flatmate [his eyes bulging as soon as he sees the picture, and then expostulating]: Oh GOD! Was there anything left for the other guests after these two got through the buffet ?

See what I live with!! He's totally going to Hell. Yes yes, he's only going to follow me there.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Alas - it's Alaska I

Since I gave up the India posts after only four attempts, and the European memoirs in just three tries, I have decided to be a good lad and write about the Alaska trip while it's still fresh in my mind. So here goes ...


The trip began with me trying on the gloves giant oven mitts I borrowed from the flatmate, rendering me unable to show my face while I had them on. More than one person has suggested I wear them permanently. Hmph - sticks and stones etc.

We got a choice between a Dodge and a G6, and I chose the latter, which, in retrospect, was kinda sad since that is the car I drive on a daily basis. Things got worse when Khichkhich (henceforth KK) declared that he wasn't the least bit interested in driving, which of course led to me having to drive all across Alaska for four days ... but then the super plus side to it was - me driving across Alaska for four days !! By the way, don’t miss the camera case at the back of the car. That is still lying at one of the viewpoints that KK was soooo excited to stop every second at. Oh well, perhaps someone else looking for a case will suddenly become all happy. Plus ... it was HIS camera. Haha .. *straight face*.

Yes, those ARE clip on shades. Oh shut up. I had to. There wasn’t any time to get regular prescription ones made. And they helped a great deal, since the sun was super bright. Plus they don’t look too bad from afar. Like I said, SHUT UP.

On the way to Seward (to go whale watching), we pulled over at this place which was too frikkin awesome for words. Hence, a video ...

video

Seeing a huge pile of snow, I decided to tyaago it all and take off. This dukhi zindagi was just too much. Which is when I realized that I was the one with the car keys, which resulted in me turning around and trying to maaro some sort of a "I'm the King of the hill" pose, but looking more like a "Is there a restroom around here" pose. Do observe.


On the way back from the hill (and on our way to Seward, for the whale watching trip), we saw this sign. A leeeeetle bit late it is, no ?

This pic totally cracked me up, specially if you look at the kid's expression in the last box. It's like .. Wheeee ... orange color life jacket .. I want I want .. heeheee ... it feels so nice .. don’t I look snazzy ... WHOOAA .. WTF ?? ... are you gonna drop me into the ocean ?!?!? ...

On the boat, I decided to channel my inner buddhi aunty ... check me out giving the "arre beta, isss dukhiyari ko chaai peene do shaanti se" look. I'm quite dramatic, really.

Of course, the four layers that I was wearing - shirt, sweater, muffler, jacket - came in handy out at sea. It was highly freezing, and since I did not want to scare everyone else away, I took KK's (bad) advice and did not .. repeat .. not .. wear the gloves. Which is why I've got my hands stuffed down my pockets.

Force of the wind .. feel it, I do. Yesss. <-- This is my Yoda impersonation, for those not quite as geeky.

The majestic takli eagle. I was hoping that it would swoop down and snatch one of the kids on board. Unfortch, that did not happen. Win some, lose some.

Very Hitchcock-ian, don’t you think ? These birds were still ok - they were at least flying gracefully in formations and stuff. However, we encountered a number of demented ducks - who would choose to sit still while the boat headed straight for them, and then use their wings to run on the water like there's no tomorrow - which it would certainly not have been had we got to them in time.


This is Porpy, the porpoise - I know, imaginative name, right ?!? She and her sahelis were dancing around the boat for some time. We concluded that this is what we would have to be content with, since Helen the slutty whale had enticed all the other whales away to her lair of sordidness and debauchery, which is why we never saw any.

Sidenote - in case you're wondering about the names, don't even get me started on Roopmati, Khushi, Bulbul and Rajnigandha - the receptionists at the various hotels at which we stayed.

These two pics were on the way back - proof that the sea breeze, accompanied by sightings of otters, sea lions, bald eagles, mountain goats, sea gulls and highly disturbed ducks leads to even totally relatively sane people going a bit balmy. It is little wonder that pirates were as strange as they were.
On the way back from Seward, we decided to stop at Alyeska, which is basically this place that’s really high up and you need to go via cable car. I really don't know why I agree to do these things, especially since I think I have a mild fear of heights.


KK's pose is to be seen and not commented upon.

Enthu cutlet that I am, I decided to run down the mountain and sing the "yetiii .. yeti I love you" song. Sadly, only my cool moves are seen in this video, which, I am sure, you are simply dying to watch. Go right ahead, dear readers.

video

What goes down must come up - Newton's postulate to the 4th law of gravity. And since I did go down, it was but obvious that I would come up. Here I am, looking a bit like Anil Kapoor actually ... as he is running up the mountain to save his lady love or some such. Can't you just hear the drumbeat in the background ?

That pic says "Explosives - Keep away" ... I am not entirely sure as to why is there a cannon right by a ski trail. Alaskans are crazy.



Oh how luurrrvely - a perfect way to end a perfect day - sunset from the top of the mountain, which could also be seen (the sunset, not the mountain!!) from inside the restaurant (Seven Glaciers) that we had dinner at.

We got back to the hotel at about 10:30 at night, at which time KK - raat ki raani that he is - ventured out once more, while I crashed into the wonderful bed and drifted off to sleep. Very fairy tale-ish, I know.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I'm going to be rich !!!

I received an email this morning, from Mr. Hon-Hing Wong, the Managing Director of a bank in Hong Kong. Apparently, some German dude saved a buttload of money in his bank, and has since kicked the bucket. As a result, Mr. Wong is more than willing to share 35% of the wealth with me, in return for my services posing as Mr. Schnieder's next of kin. Wow ... I am SOO lucky ... of all the people in the world, I've been chosen !! What are the odds !!

Here are bits of the email:

I am Mr. Hon-Hing Wong , Managing Director of ****** Bank Ltd, Hong Kong. Iam contacting you with respect to a portfolio amounting to $35,520,000 USD(Thirty Five Million, Five Hundred and Twenty Thousand United StatesDollar) deposited by a German Merchant named Mr. Mathew Schneider.

Wait ... why is the "m" in Merchant capital ?

Mr. Mathew Schneider, has since passed away without stating his next ofkin because he deposited the funds in our establishmentat a point he was finalizing divorcing his wife and had no kids coupledwith the fact that he was an orphan.

Now this is the true German spirit ... an orphan child has been able to make such a wonderful amount of money in his lifetime !! I'm sure that cow of a wife only married him for his millions. Well, she ain't getting a damn thing. Haha ... in your face, you money grabbing harlot.

This sum of $35,520,000 USD (ThirtyFive Million, Five Hundred and TwentyThousand United States Dollar) is still in my ssession in my Bank lifelessand unnoticed ...

In my ssession ?? ... "po" kahan gaya ? Po has po-ed ?? (little Tam joke there! ) ... and it's quite fortunate that the sum of 35 million bucks is lying in a bank, unnoticed. I never knew bankers in Hong Kong are so frivolous with keeping track of their accounts. Well, good for me!

I will like to seek for your permission as a foreigner to stand as the next of kin toMr. Mathew Schneider so that the fruits of this old man's labor will not be use for financing weapons which will further enhance the courses of war in the world in general.

Yes yes, noble thoughts indeed. I am all for stopping such developments, specially when I could use that money to build my very own amusement park right inside my house mansion! But how to look German ? Abhi tak toh people have said I look Venezuelan (sach mein ... two Mexicans and a Colombian have told me so!!! ... taco taco) ... perhaps I could grow a tiny moustache ?

There is no risk at all as all the paperwork for this project will be done by my attorney and with my position as the credit officer guarantees thesuccessful execution of this project.

Oh ... needless to say. It already seems totally fool proof. Just tell me where to sign and let's get this show on the road, Mr. Wong.

Awaiting your urgent reply. Email: mr_hingwong28@yahoo.com.hk.

Cool. Abhi bhejta hoon. But I'm confused - your mail came from mr_hingwong2007@yahoo.com, but I need to reply to a different mail id ??

Hang bloody on ... is this a scam ?!?!?! Phewww ... bach gaya.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Having a senior moment

I've had my car for just under two years. Only twice has someone else ever driven it. No one but me has ever gotten gas filled into it. Today, I forgot which side the gas tank is on.

I'm 27. I guess it's already starting to go downhill.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Zen from movie trailers

It's better to be disliked for what you are than to be loved for something that you are not

- Falling from Grace

I have a feeling there is some deep meaning to the line, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

I'm going home

Yes, Mr. Grecon, I'm finally going home; she said, her voice full of happiness and excitement.

Mr Grecon smiled. He had known Zabinira for the last seventeen years or so, since the time she first started to work in his warehouse; and he had found her to be extremely hard working and young at heart for a lady her age. Him enquiring about the exact number of years she had been on the planet, and she coyly refusing to ever let that fact slip was a standing joke between them. Still, he was pushing 52; and she was easily twenty or so years his senior.

Finally, huh?, he responded.

Yes ... yes!!, she replied, her mind clearly thinking of the long journey she would have to take to be with the man she had loved all her life - Jovas - who was still about 3000 miles away, but whom she would see within a few weeks. They had been in touch through those letters once a month, her only link to him for so long.

Are you sure you don't need any help from me?, he enquired.

Oh no Mr. Grecon, you have done far more than I could ever have asked. Right from helping me sell all my belongings, to getting my paperwork ready, to giving me the courage to make this journey back to the person with whom I belong. Bless you, Mr. Grecon, you truly are a wonderful man.

Will I see you again?, he asked, already knowing the answer.

In another life, perhaps; she replied with good humour.

You know, I will never be able to come back; she continued, without a trace of sadness in her voice ... Everything I had has been used to make this trip, but if it means being able to spend my last few years next to my Jovas, then it's worth it. I wish I had a camera to capture his face when he opens the door and finds me standing there. I'm going to breathe my last in his arms, Mr. Grecon. What more could I ask for ?

Now now, said Mr. Grecon with a twinkle in his eye, you will live to be an old lady, I'm sure of it. I can hardly see a wrinkle on your face yet.

She smiled as her hand explored the contours of her face. They hugged. She was ready to go back.

Three weeks later, she stood in front of that old apartment for a long time. Her body was exhausted from the journey, but her mind was reliving all the memories she had in that place. Jovas, her true love, who wouldn't let her go hungry even when he hadn't eaten in over five days. His handicap had never allowed him to have a "normal" job, but they had persisted ... even in the face of acute adversity, they had each other. And then she had had to go away. But .. but that was all in the past. She was here, and that's all that mattered. Even though they would still have to live in poverty, they were together once more.

Her eyes welled up, she took a deep breath, and imagining what his embrace would feel like after all these years, as her fingers moved to the bell.

The bell chimed. He opened the door.

Good morning sir ... my name is Jovas Mislun. I have finally come to be with my Zabinira. She works for you, doesn't she ?

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

South Park rocks

Lu lu lu, I've got some apples,
Lu lu lu, you've got some too.
Lu lu lu, let's make some applesauce,
Take off our clothes and lu lu lu!

LOL !! Butters is amazing :-)

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The touch

She felt his hands on her body, and that warm feeling came over her once more. After twelve years of being together, it was almost impossible for her to fall asleep without his touch. She wasn't a romantic, and certainly had never believed in that electric feeling you get when the "right" person touches you for the first time; but it had happened ... on their date so many years ago.

She shifted, and his hands entangled with hers. She smiled at the thought of how uncomfortable he had initially been of sleeping like this. But now, there was no other way he would have it.

She closed her eyes, and waited to drift off. But for the last few nights, her mind kept going back to that morning nine days ago. When she has woken, and known something was amiss even before she opened her eyes.

He was there, and he wasn't.

The frantic 911 call was but a haze, as had been the doctor giving her the news. News - that made it sound so matter-of-fact, so impersonal. She remembered looking at his naked body in the morgue, a day before he would be buried.

Her eyes were unfocussed, but her hands were the opposite. The haze cleared, and she saw herself picking up the cleaver.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

And another story

The flatmate writes.

BFFs

She walked into the room, and saw her standing by the window, looking out at nothing in particular.

Elle ?

Elle turned around, and faced the source of the voice. She had been expecting her closest friend, Dee, to show up for some time now, and yet, the sight of her made Elle's skin crawl.

So you're here, said Elle, without either pleasure or regret. I read about the train incident and didn't know whether or not you would come.

Don't be silly, Elle ... you know I'm a survivor, she replied. Come, we need to leave.

Leave ? Again ? Dee, I'm really not up to it right now.

She sighed. This was so typical of Elle, who enjoyed the drama, the jostle that they invariably had to have any time a job was over and they were about to move on to the next assignment. Frankly, Dee was getting quite tired of it.

Sweety, she cajoled, why must we always get into this argument ? The system has worked so well for all these years; and we both have gotten what we wanted out of it. Why do we always have to talk about it right at the last minute ?

Because, spat back Elle, as soon as we're done, you leave. Leave me to look for someone else, lonely and alone. Do you realize how difficult it is to start over ? How many times have I asked you to come with me, but you hardly ever do. Oh Dee, please ... let's go together ?

Elle, we've been through this before. You know it's always much tougher when I come with you right at the beginning. We are very different people, Elle, you know that. They do not accept me the same way they accept you. Please, let's just go.

But it's always the same story. There is never any change. Dee, oh Dee, can't there be another way ?

Elle, I try very hard to keep it interesting, said Dee, her voice cold as ice. I vary the routine as much as I can ... as do you. But I am not going to stand here and argue about changing everything just because you're having doubts. It's time to go, Elle.

Elle stared long and hard at her, and finally gave in. She held her best friend's hand, and they both walked out of the room.

The bleeps on the heart monitor stopped. He died.

Friday, March 14, 2008

And so it happened ...

You know you'll never win.

Don't be foolish, old man. I now know everything you do.

Everything ?

Yes, I know it all. Didn't think this day would actually come, did you ?

I cannot decide whether to laugh at you, or simply pity you.

Haa! Pity ?? Pity is what I feel for you now. Your words cannot frighten me any more. They're all going to come with me, don't you see ?

Oh, but I do see ... I see a lot more than you realize.

This cryptic talk might work on people who don't understand who you are, but it doesn't make me shake with fear. You have no influence over me. And soon, very soon, you will be nothing but a memory.

Even after all these years, you remain adamant. You have great potential, but your arrogance clouds your judgement.

You are yet to see what I'm truly capable of. And I will show you. No one will remember who you were.

I see I cannot help you, son. I'm sorry, but you must go away.

And who will make me ?

I have but to say it.

Then say it, I dare you. I DARE YOU.

Leave, Lucifer.

I spy with my little eye

I was brushing my teeth right now, just before getting into bed, and a thought struck me. What would be more scary - looking into the mirror and seeing the reflection of someone else standing right behind you, or looking into the mirror and not recognizing the only reflection that stared back ?

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Two thumbs down

I am happy to announce that I have finally had the pleasure of meeting Ebert and Roeper, or the lesser paid version - Ebertmama and Roeperinju. This is my attempt at Telegu- and Japan-o-fying the names. I know - I should kill myself.

But since all five readers of this blog have an even more boring life than me ... correction ... all three readers of this blog now ... here is the story -

So I was at the food court, happily sitting on a four vaali table in the sun (no, I was not being a loser and a pain by (a) being at the food court all alone and (b) occupying three more seats than needed - all references to my size can please be stuffed) , about to enjoy my gyro plate; while the flatmate was taking absolutely ages to arrive with his plate of spicy noodles (yes, I see the flatmate outside of the flat too - but refuse to elevate his status to friend - at least, and only, for the purpose of this blog !! Flatmate - kindly ignore and continue to cook the amazing food you make. Merci.); when E and R plonked themselves down on two of the three seats, of course, after first asking for permission, since I was looking at them with my usual air of disdain as they stood besides the table, greedily eye-ing the seats ( and perhaps my food!!). No, I don't have too many friends. How did you guess ?

Yenyhoo, they started chowing down on some mixed vegetable and naan or something, and Ebertmama (I can't help it ... I still find the name funny) decided to give Roeperinju a discourse on a movie that's just been released - 10,000 B.C. (I hope I get some money for this muft ki advertising). Now it turns out that R had seen the movie only recently, and for some reason, E's views were the exact opposite of R's. So whenever R would say something nice about the movie, E would vehemently and repeatedly contradict it. Please note that I cannot be blamed for eavesdropping - they were both right next to me!! Please also note that the flatmate has yet to arrive - damn noodles.

Finally, after what seemed like ages, and after E had gone on and on about the cinematography, direction and action in the movie, he revealed that he had not ... I repeat - NOT ... in fact seen the movie, but gathered all this from the trailer. I almost choked on my pita bread. Pretentious cow kahin ka. R also looked like he was ready to commit Harakiri on E. Wikipedia enthusiasts would probably be raring to point out that Harakiri (or Seppuku) is done on ones' own self. I know. That's the irony, idiots.

E then went on to compare the movie to some random movie about Madrasi men working with paper binders, or so I thought, as he mentioned Appa-Clips. R looked equally flummoxed, but mama E was shaking his head quite vigorously, while simultaneously raising his eyebrows and rolling his eyes in an exaggerated fashion. I shifted a little bit in my seat, thinking he was about to break into a Kathak performance. That did not happen. What did happen, however, was my eyes bulged and the water I was sipping came out of my nose as I realized that E was actually talking about Apocalypse Now !!!!!! I swear ... it took all my strength to keep me from saying something like "Whaaaatt raa ... rubbishh maaamuu", and then throwing the water at his face !!

R kinda smiled (these polite Japs!) and went on to compare 10,000 B.C. to 300. Thankfully, the flatmate arrived at about this time and I switched off from E and R. Ok .. the truth - we both got busy eavesdropping. Oh stop judging us.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Maeedum, do the dosti ?

So here are the lines I will not be able to use during the lock and key party that I'm not going for:

Wait, what ? I can see ki tumhara interest ho gaya hai pique peak? pique! Toh before I go ahead and write those lines out, ye raha background (I seem to be in a highly Hinglish mood, pliss adjust) ...

The flatmate and I, along with a bunch of other losers cool singletons, decided to (or at least talked about) go(ing) for the "DESI SINGLES PADLOCK and KEY SINGLES PARTY & HIGH SOCIETY AFTERPARTY! - Its the ultimate Ice-Breaker!" ... (honest ... in caps no less (as in capital letters, not wearing caps! ... get real) ... you can't make this shizz up!). So just the title must have made it amply clear ki this was one major thing to be at - not only is the word singles used twice in the first sentence, but one must not miss the fact that the afterparty is the high society kinds. Totally be-there-or-be-square-variety. *airkisses everyone - twice*

But before I go on, I shall spill the names of all those who were enthu about the event. Share the laughter, I always say!

- The flatmate
- Canucki
- Rintintin (not to be confused with Tintin)
- Shilpa and Shamita's sister - Captain Nimmo.

Now everyone must be wondering what in the world is this event all about. Copying straight from the event website:

* Ladies get a Padlock / Guys get a Key
* Your goal is to match the right lock with the right key
* Get a match to win a raffle for the prize draw!
* Get a new padlock or key or stick with the lucky one that you have and go back to meet even more people!
* Find someone you like, stay and talk for a bit! Exchange contact info if you like
* Throughout your quest you'll meet upto 50, 100 or more people of the opposite sex

Needless to say, I we had been thinking of the various lines/techniques to be used on the ladies who would arrive. Here they are (in case you ever go to one of these things ... eyerolling band karo ... you never know!)

- "Medam can i fit my key in your lock?" (generously contributed by Half-O)
- "Hello I want to push and turn" - high chances of getting slapped.
- I have a small lantern and an auto type bhopu. I was supposed to light a diya in the lantern, walk around like one of those old chowkidaars, and maaro two horns in case I found someone I fancied. The credit for this idea goes entirely to the flatmate.
- Find a locksmith, or a master key. Go nuts. If you decide to use this one, send royalties to Rintintin.
- "Is it rusty?" - I would not have used this. Maybe.
- "The key is the only thing that's small" - I would have used this. Ahemm.
- "Your place or mine ? I already got the key" - yes, highly cheesy. I will not tell you who came up with it. *Cough-Canucki-Cough*

The only decent idea (also suggested by Half-O) was - find someone you like, ask her to throw the lock away and you'd do the same with the key, and the two of you take off.

And the reason that all this fun will not be had is because ... *drumroll* ...

MALE TICKETS SOLD OUT *ONLY FEMALE TICKETS AVAILABLE*

Oh well, at least I'm prepared for next time!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Just a little pinch

But what happened to your …

He smiled. Smiled. I did not blink.

I looked up at the clock. 10 pm. My eyes traveled to the door. In he walked. From the very first day those many months back, he always came in at precisely 10 pm, the time when the place would be at its boisterous best. I had been working there for over thirteen years, and knew how to spot the one-timers from the regulars. I knew he would be the latter ... there was something in the way he sat down at the bar and ordered himself five shots of tequila, which he then proceeded to sip. Slowly. Night after night.

It was some weeks before we got talking. Which had everything to do with the silence with which he surrounded himself, and of course, that. I don't recall what it was that he said, but it was him - he let me in. I told him about my work, my family, and my sons. He would listen, but rarely looked up from his drinks. I gradually learnt of his time in Mexico, those years that taught him to be a patient man. And he sipped his tequila. Slowly.

And after many months, I finally asked.

But what happened to your …

I was never told the circumstances by which he got there. Just that it was where he landed up. The how didn't seem important anymore. But it was him. And them. And slowly, but steadily, he had weakened. Until the time he could fight them off no longer.

He paused to draw his breath. That half-raspy sound did not make me shudder any more.

And he told me how, over the course of those months, before he was finally rescued, had the rats in that jail slowly eaten half his face.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Looking back

Could I have been wrong ?

I have asked myself this question every single day of my life, starting from that day in October. Have I found a satisfactory answer ? No. And Yes. I always thought that the clarity of my reasoning for doing what I did would be cause enough to make me believe that I made the right decision. A decision which was by no means an easy one to make ... it took years of resentment, months of meticulous planning, and that second of rage.

Rage ? Resentment ?

Was he following the wrong path ? I would like to think so, but try as I might to convince myself, doubt still lingers. Was what we did not enough ? Perhaps it would have been, given more time. There were others, I know now. But I was the one who was destined to do it.

Destiny. Or was it a desire for fame ? I have no doubt that I have made myself famous by forever being thought about every time he is. But will they ever know everything else I did, or will this one act be what my name is associated with for ages to come ? As the sun begins to set on another day, and I wait, wait for that moment when I meet my maker, I cannot help but wonder if this is to be my legacy ?

Life. Precious. Fleeting. Taken.

Perhaps I was wrong.

Do I feel remorse ? Would I do it again if I had the chance ?

Perhaps I wasn't.

- Nathuram Godse

Thursday, February 7, 2008

An open letter

Dear God,

Seriously dude ... give it a rest. It's high time you stopped fucking around with the people I love.

xo
-G

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Hello, Suneet Verma ?

Dark brown shoes
Sea blue socks
Light brown tan khakhis
Black belt with gold buckle
Deep blue shirt
White undershirt
Grey windsheeter type jacket
Silver framed glasses

All of this was on one engineer.

How can anyone blame me for not paying attention to what was going on in the meeting?

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

The India Posts - IV

Toh kya kya kiya ? Let's see ...

Spinach baked that mom makes
Yes ... hogged and hogged on it. Felt like pushing sister's hand away when she reached for a second helping. My size has been upped from whale to small planet. Plus since I don't mind the cold, I think it is time to replace the void left by Pluto. I have decided to keep my planet name as Giagantus.

T and S coming to Delhi
They did, and I was pretty much at their place for three days, including the Christmas party. It was unanimously decided that T is a big pain in life, and everyone should ignore him. Thankfully, S is rather adept at handling him; and I suggest Ka the Snake should take lessons. I, needless to say, am loved by one and all.

Piks coming to Delhi as well
He did too, and it was great hanging out with both him and T. In the ten or so years that I have knows Piks, he hasn't changed one bloody bit ... except that there was a point when his blood had transformed into Tequila. Other than that, still the same down to earth (sometimes literally!!!) juvey he has always been.

The daal pakoras at Lajpat Nagar
Two plates. With that awesome green chutney. Damn ... I'm salivating just thinking about them.

Spending sis's money on my clothes
I hate shopping. The only time I do it is when I go to India, which means that the last time I shopped for myself was over two years ago. So this time around, in-keeping with my resolution to get rid of my Fab India shirts, I went and bought loads of stuff - shirts, shoes, jeans, jackets, glasses, soap (from Fab India ... what to do ... creature of habit), green tea with tulsi (I don't drink tea, but it seemed like a fun thing to buy) and on and on and on. Energizer bunny was not bought. Thanks, sis ... soap over hone vaala hai ... aur bhej.

Crowds
As much as I love San Diego, one of the main reasons I crave being in either SFO or NYC (or Paris - oui, c'est vrai) is because these cities are crowded, and busy, and they are full of people who have something to do and someplace to go. SD is more like a really expensive retirement community (in your face, Florida !!), but after three years of being here, I'm bored. Fine, I'm boring too ... but I'd much rather not blame myself, thank you very much. Also, having been born and brought up in Delhi, surrounded by a sea of people, makes me crave crowds ... which were present in abundance when I was back.

K's wedding
I had the most awesome time, even though I wasn't the one getting married. Friends' weddings are always fun - you're just expected to show up, smile, and since they know that all you really care about is the alcohol and the food and having an overall good time, there is no need to make polite conversation with the usual sea of relatives you dislike (areyyy .. kitna badaa ho gaya hai!!) at family weddings; leaving you free to have the afore-mentioned good time. Which, of course, was had.

Details ... just coz ...

Oh before anything - standard disclaimer so as not to get pummeled the next time I see her - K looked absolutely stunning in everything she wore ... she is the prettiest bride in the world .. she will make her K (oooh .. just hit me .. K weds K !!) the happiest man alive .. blah blah etc standard lines ...

So I attended the cocktails (duh!!) at Rendezvous, and even though I didn't know any one there, I mingled; and being the charming (or pushy and not good at taking hints, as some of my rude friends (ex-friends??) like to call it) lad that I am, had people lining up to talk to me. Ok, that's a lie. But I did mingle. Plus I'm sure everyone was quite impressed with the sync with which K and I danced ... little do people know that that's a skill which has been honed after years and years of practice at those school vaali dance parties, where Cotton Eye Joe Cotton Eye Joe Ladki Shehar Ki Ladki Saturday Night Macarena Who the Fuck Is Alice and so on and so forth was blaring in the background, while people were trying to "get with" people. You get the picture.

N arrived in town for the wedding, and it felt strangely deja-vu-ish when T, Piks, N and I were going to the venue together ... very beeti hui yaadein moment. I guess that's coz amongst all my friends (and I have many, seeing as how great a guy I am ... yeah, I am highly deluded!!) I still feel closest to these three fools from school. If only R was there, grant would have been complete. Lame inside joke, never mind. So anyways, we arrived, smiled, got our picture taken, then left K2 (haha ... K2 .. like the mountain) to jhelo everyone else. Ate a little bit of food, had some blue colored drink (Alas ... not Curacao ... which it should have been, considering the alcoholics K and K are!!) ... waited for AJ to arrive (fashionably late, as ever), had an even better time once she did (Piks was bored out of his skull ... he was raring to go to Buzz and get buzzed), and then left to make Piks happy.

Disclaimer 2 - AJ was looking as radiant as she always does .. if there ever was a person there who could give K (the woman K) competition it would have to be AJ ... she is pretty and beautiful and like a fairy prin .. *chokes*

The Buzz (and beyond) story is a post all in itself ... featuring Zee and the Leher Kurkerey boy.

Meeting AJ
I met her often, but not as often as I would have liked to. Has AJ changed ? Yes and no. She certainly has grown up, but still remains the crazy woman I had a massive crush on, and while the crush has been dead for some time now, the fondness I have for her is as strong as ever. She is one of the few people who is excellent at reading my facial expressions, and getting to know exactly what I'm thinking ... which is why I was surprised at her surprise when she and I talked in the car. Plus she is loads and loads of fun to be with. N, AJ and I had a great time talking about everything under the sun when we were at her place ... though I think I've decided not to forgive her for trying to poison me with that "fresh stuff" from whatever damn shop she got it from!

Christmas party at T's place (I better be called .. well, I'm going even if I'm not)
So naturally I was invited, and wasn't even told that the party was not happening when it really was ... who am I, N (he's going to kill me!!) ?? All his relatives were very glad to see me, or at least are really good actors. After all, they have seen me almost as often as they've seen him ... so much so that one of his aunts actually thought I didn't have a house and was staying with his family!! Which is still better than another aunt who, when she met me for the first time, thought I was a thief or a salesman or something and shut the door on my face just as I was about to enter his house as if I owned the place, since I did not know any other way to go in. What ? I'd played enough hide and seek there to know nooks and crannies she had no idea about!!

Drinks with B
Tabula Raasa - Square One mall. Wine, mojitos and finger food. The crazy aunties at the next couch. Perfect ambience. Great convo. Just-the-right-mood music. Secrets shared. The past discussed. A slight shock at the bill (damn India is expensive!). Did I really meet her after almost six years ?

The Delhi winter (for some reason, the song "dilli ki sardi" just popped into my head)
Honestly, I thought it would have been colder. From the 14th to the 29th, it was really a very warm winter, which led to my wearing T-shirts and pottering about the house, and led to mom screaming for me to wear a sweater, shawl etc.

Riding the metro
South to East. Very nice. Ab aur kya bolu ?

Autos
I have a love-price relationship with all auto vaale bhaiyaas, in that I love to haggle over price with them. Trust me, I almost always quote 10 rupees more than what it takes to get to where-ever it is that I'm trying to get to, but the moment they try and swindle me (and I know ... I've lived in Delhi forever), I just have to argue with them rather than take another auto. Bhaiyaa kya bol rahe ho ... jhooth bolke kya hoga .. meter se chal lo phir .. kya bakwaas main vaise hee zyaada de raha hoon ... nahi jaana toh yahan kyu khade ho ... kya main pehli baar jaa raha hoon kya wahaan?

*** Sidetrack - the crazy cow incident - So here I was, standing at one of the Kalkaji gol chakkar auto stands with a friend, after having enjoyed a delicious south Indian meal, when this total BTM (sorry for using such an archaic term, but there is no other way to describe her) pulls up in her Corolla, stops the car right next to me, assumes I'm an auto vaala and shouts "K-7" at me. Caught completely off guard due to my lack of comprehension (what if this was the code word to pick up guys ?!!?), I mumble "Huh" or some such thing, inducing her to screw up her pimply face even more, and loudly (and in a highly disgusted tone) remark "Ufff ... KAY SAVAAN?" ... Well, I was not having any of this gargoyle's attitude, and while I was tempted to shout back "no ... K-9" and bite her (geddit ?? hehehe) I instead put on my most haughty I-think-you-are-garbage expression (very easy for me to get) and said in my most I-am-phoren-return accent (also very simple to turn on and off) .. "I have no idea what the hell you're talking about?" .. and turned away since she had wasted quite a lot of my time which could have been used to discuss auto prices with the bhaiyaa. End Sidetrack ***

The clawwny aunties saying "Beta, have a roti" :)
Sadly, this was the only thing that did not happen ... not because the aunties read my blog (Good Lord ... how weird would that be ??!!?) and so decided not to call me over, but because I was acting all busy and important and simply did not have the time for individual dinners; specially not when such a large group of friends was in town. I did of course have lots of badaam kaaju kishmish etc. (Diwali leftovers, clearly) and smile/laugh politely when they asked me to get married and feigned interest in stories of how their kids have grown up and wavered between giving them aghast but just-the-right-amount of embarrassed looks and proudly puffing up my chest when they discussed what a shaitaan bachha I used to be and how syaana I have turned out and zzzzzz ....

All in all (or Net Net, as I learnt from Ka's blog) - a trip with everything (and more) I expected it to have.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Hai hai hai ...



Sunil Shetty (or Suniel Shetty, as he calls himself now - numerology zindabad) has always creeped me out - it's difficult to pinpoint the exact reason, but I think it has to do with his Angelina Jolie-ish lips. While they look hot and sultry on her, he just looks like a botox shot gone wrong. However, since SFO sent me this song on Orkut, and preceded it with a message that said "with louuuuu", I decided to watch the whole thing, and what's more, review it too. Really, the things I do for my friends !!!

So let's get right to it, shall we ?

Right from the get-go, it is obvious that Sunil is the dude in the song. I present to you exhibits A through C - a jazzed up bike, the Top Gun glasses and that shirt (OH MY GOD .. that shirt !!!) with SO-DA printed in big bold letters (how far ahead of his time was he, anyways ... endorsing stuff on his Janpath shirt much before Shahrukh and Amitabh made it the in thing to do). Now if Sunil is the dude, there has to be a bouncy brunette to complement him - played with aplomb by Karishma. It should be clear to one and all that this movie was far before her Manish Malhotra days - as is evident in her choice of dresses and hairstyles, not to mention her make-up. Twenty seconds into the song, and there she emerges, in her golden zari vaala green suit, wavy hair and bouncing like a pogo stick on crack.

Now while it would seem natural to concentrate on her, I urge you to take a look at the surrounding artists (the "biryani packet" variety, as the flatmate calls them). Check out the been bajate huey guys, in multicolored dhoti kurtas, with those "tap-tap-tapori" vaale bandanas ... and not to be outdone, the yellow purple white and pink women behind Karishma, giving her stiff competition gyration for bloody gyration !!! ... these girls are gonna earn their moneys worth, yes sirrreee !!

Toh now its 25 seconds in and the front row people need to be given something to hoot about ... so LoLo tells Sunil .. "meri pappi lo .. lo" ... and then turns her head away just at the right moment. Such a tease !!

Saroj Khan (I'm assuming it was her ... sweating away in her mighty glory) raises her hands upto the Lord our God and tells the pair ... "Aise karo .. jhatka maaro .. haath uthao" ... as if she is some major gospel singer. Sunil, useless dancer that he is, can barely co-ordinate moving his lips (ughh .. those lips) while moving his feet, toh the hands toh are totally out of the question. "Fine", says Saroj, "tum pocket mein haath daal ke hiltey raho. Karuuu baby, double the jhatka, ok ?" ... and the first chorus begins. Go on, you know you wanna watch.

During the second part of the chorus, the director gets innovative and makes us look past Sunil by giving the background phattas these major dhols ... all color coordinated to match the yellow purple white pink women. Sach mein, quite tasteful.

Now at this point, I must admit, that while I don't much care for the lines of this song, I find the Hai Hukku Hai Hukku Hai Hai bit quite catchy, and am often found snapping my fingers to it. I really am quite old school.

Also, I simply must pause here and give a special mention to those three (and a half) pink women at 1 minute 20 seconds into the song. They're dancing quite well together, and their thumkas are a must see. Hai hai ...

1minute 37 seconds - virgin LoLo in a virginal white dress.

1 minute 42 seconds - second round of hoots from the front seaters.

I think this whole white dress (LoLo) black dress (Shetty) sequence was supposed to be kinda like a Radha-Krishan scene ... the bansuri in the backgrond, plus the women dressed up as gopis in their jhataak lehenga cholis is a clear give-away.

2 minutes in, and we see why the costume designer of the movie is today an out of work individual. Was Karishma going for the confused businesswoman look with that bun inside the red cap, accompanied by her Superman type latt, and the orange suit ... and what the hell is going on with the shirt Shetty is wearing ... ugly curtains, anyone ? I also just realized .. while his shirts have been going from bad to worse, his jeans have remained the same black pair. Chalo, after all, black goes with everything, yes ? No.

And what the fuck is going on with all the dhaplis in the park ? Yeh kaunsa garden hai ?? Bappi Laheri's backyard ?

Ab another minute and 15 seconds have passed, and Sunil has heard our plea ... but alas, he has decided to go from orange-black to an all blue look ... kinda like this year's Australian Open court. Karishma has decided that pinkish-orange goes marvelously with blue ... I'm guessing they were going for the setting sun in the sky effect. The women in the back have a yellow lehenga, but what really stands out is the topi thing on top ... very "hothon mein aisi baat", if you ask me.

And within a brief 30 seconds, the director decides to blind everyone. What else could explain the purple monstrosities that the two of them are made to wear ? But just as our eyes are closing up, we manage to see the horse drawn carriages passing thorough the scene as the song comes to a close, and wonder what in the world made us watch this rubbish in the first place. We curse SFO, and decide to delete all future scraps from him without analyzing the videos tucked within.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Hence proved

Dorothy's post about life’s meaning and all that (or at least that's what I gathered it was about) made me think about the question she poses - what came first - the chicken or the egg ?

It's simple, really.

God (or a scientist, depending on your religious beliefs ... or lack of them, thereof), in His (or Her, if you so please ... doesn't really matter to me) infinite wisdom, and also so that I may one day answer the question, made them both at exactly the same time. This, needless to say, (but is still being said for those of you not quite as quick on the uptake) was done in heaven, there-by posing the problem of transportation of the two to Earth, seeing as how He had decided to create wildlife before elevators. So, He picked up the chicken, turned it around, and stuffed the egg up its ass; and threw it towards Earth. The chicken, dumb bird that it is (the only bird more dumb is the turkey), didn't realize what happened, flew down and crash landed on the ground (since it hadn’t ... and still hasn't ... quite perfected the art of flying, seeing as it had just been made), where-upon the egg popped safely out.

And, as the story goes, eggs have been popping out of chickens ever since.

Bad Decision No. 17

Grow a beard.

Friday, January 18, 2008

The India Posts - III

What rubbish, you hardly know me.

But I think I can tell.

Alright, shoot.

Some one who knows what he wants from his life or atleast appears to, some one who wants to be loved, yet is a little skeptical somewhere; an individual who doesn't want to be particularly tied down yet wants to be cared for... a sensible, mature person - at times maybe too pragmatic and at the cost of allowing yourself to dream and be creative ... and some one careful of where he treads. Also an individual for whom common courtesies are important...

Shit.

The India Posts - II

The Indian Alphabet
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P R S T U V W X Y Z

Indian Geometry
Point triangle square rectangle circle rhombus angle ellipse

- Coz clearly, we don't fukkin know what a Q or a line is.

The India Posts - I

December 13th, 2007

I'm 27 today. God, that's old. Now anyone who knows me even remotely well will agree that I'm a total attention whore, and I'm ok with that. But I've been "celebrating" my 27th birthday all by myself, surrounded by strangers at various airports, quite zonked out due to lack of sleep, and suffering from a cough, cold and fever.

So I guess it is now time for introspection (or, to introspect, as it were). I have 8 hours before I land in Delhi, this god awful plane does not have individual tv screens, I'm surrounded by boring people who are constantly trying to read what I'm writing (take that, you nosy uncle!), I've finished the book I had brought along, I'm feeling too sick to eat, I'm not sleepy, and I'm actually quite dreading this flight - hence , let me introspect, let me dig deep into my heart and my mind to figure out the various truths that a person at 27 should have figured out.

- complete silence -

Ok, this isn't going as well as I thought it would. I haven't had one frikkin epiphany - why am I here, where do I want to go, what do I want to do, and how does teflon stick to the pan?

Since none of the great truths are revealing themselves to me, and since the geek in me is still alive, I think I shall make a list of my goals for the next two years. I've thought about a few of them already, and they aren't as frivolous as my goals at 25 - thumb ring, blue hair ... err .. ok. Here goes ...

Not be single - Toh after a little over two years of being happily single, I think it is high time for me to make someone miserable. Plus it doesn't help that almost everyone I know or hang out with is either married, committed (as in a relationship, not in an asylum ... though God knows most of them need to be!!), or seeing someone. And while abhi there are still some cool singletons (yes, I'm trying to make myself feel better) around, I suspect that number is going to dwindle quite soon. Oh ... there's the bandwagon. *Jump*. I'm off to go shop for a personality.

Invest - I'm boring in life. I don't do the clubbing bit, or the pubbing bit, or the try new things all the time bit (matlab I do do all these now and then, but not really often), I don't shop, I don't do drugs, and I don't have any reason to send money anywhere. The only place I really do spend is when I travel, which I really enjoy (except for this damn 24 hour flight ... yuck!). As a result, I don't have much cause to spend. But since I am both dumb and lazy, my money is rotting away in a bank, and it's high time to invest. Which I shall.

Change career - I'll be honest ... I actually do like what I do, and I'm quite good at it, as previous posts of mine can attest to. Haan, modesty is my middle name. But I know this is not what I'm cut out to do. Toh what am I meant to do in life ? Sadly, I don't know (T, stop shaking your head in a disappointed fashion!!) ... I just know I don't wanna be doing what I'm doing now when I turn 40 (which, unfortunately, doesn't seem too far off!). So I'm going to spend the next couple of years figuring out and doing what I need to do. I wonder what I'd need to do to just sit on my ass all day. Oh yeah ... invest! ... which I haven't. Crap.

Take a trip - As I mentioned, traveling is fun. And after the trip to Europe this year, I am all the more enthu to see more of the world. If the friends who were there could be at other places too, nothing like it ... but if not, I'm sure I can find some other fun people to go with. I'll keep them drugged so they don't get sick of me *insert evil laughter*. So I think I shall try going to either one or more of the following places next year - Alaska (already have an offer), London (Wimbledon ... better ask flatmate what's happening with this), Cairo (I invited myself over to a colleague's wedding) and Australia (to check whether Kangaroos really do exist). Fun!!

Get an ab - Kung-Fu movies are great fun to watch. The fighters in them invariably have a six pack. I resolve to get atleast a one pack by the time 2008 is over. Currently, I'm less Bruce Lee and more Laughing Buddha. What if I started by turning bulimic ? No no no ... I hate the taste of puke. Ughhh.

Dress better - It really isn't my fault that I dress the way I do - comfortably unkempt. I was in a one-horse town in Maharashtra for four years, where we used to go to "hotels" in our hawai chappals. I currently work as a geek in a sea of engineers, and I think the only people who dress worse than us are the Olsen twins. Toh naturally I have no sense of style what-so-ever. Plus I have been majorly affected by Fab India shirts for the last three years (I have 34 of them ... I know ... I'll get a life when I'm out shopping for that personality). So I think it's time to take sis shopping in Delhi, and have a wardrobe upheaval.

Hmm .. not too bad a list, if I do say so myself. Oh lord, I think I just saw voyeuristic uncle nodding in approval !! Time to stop writing and give him a dirty look. Om shanti shanti.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

The other side of the story

"Officer, you have to help me", she said, hysterical with panic.

"Now now, Mrs. D.", said the officer, quite used to neurotic wives worried about their husbands - who, unfortunately, had more often than not found a younger tart to go off with. There's plenty of fish in the sea, the officer chuckled to himself.

"But officer," she continued, "I am fairly certain he was scared for his life. He kept saying he knew who was after him".

"Really", said the officer indulgantly. "And who, pray tell, might this person be? Having a name would surely get things moving, now wouldn't it?"

"Oh oh oh," she said, clearly straining her brain (a rather miniscule one for someone so large, thought the officer, a bit unkindly), "I don't quite know, but I think he is called 'The Smile'".

"The Smile? Now that's a strange name! And how long has your husband been missing?"

"He went away more than a month ago, and he's never away that long. Oh officer, you must help me. I have no where else to go."

He would normally have turned her away, but he noticed small tears forming around the corners of her eyes, tears that would normally have been lost in the surrounding, had it not been for his keen vision.

His heart melted a little bit.

"Very well, Mrs. D., so what is your husband's name?"

"Moby" ...