Sunday, July 29, 2007

Hello I'm GG and I'm an alcoholic

1. I dream in color. I do. I know I do.
2. I rarely drink tea or coffee, except on railway stations.
3. I am afraid of swimming alone in a pool. I always imagine a shark, an alligator or a giant cockroach (!!!) is lying in wait for me.
4. I never sucked my thumb.
5. I tend to put my foot in my mouth very often. Figuratively.
6. I once saw two lizards "doing it", and found it fascinating. There was absolutely no movement, except for Mr. Lizard's thingy. I have also seen a male chameleon chasing a female chameleon ... I think he was trying to have his way with her. Animals, I tell you!
7. I have seen two dead bodies in my life.
8. Both times, I felt as if the body was breathing at a very very slow pace. I tried to match my breathing to their's, but couldn't.
9. I chew my nails. I had kicked the habit, but have started again.
10. I always wished I could either sing or dance. Properly. Having the gift of the gab and being able to make people laugh just doesn't seem like a real talent.
11. I find it extremely difficult to eat food without having water before, during, and after the meal.
12. I don't have a pet name .. boo hoo hoo. My crying does not imply I want one.
13. I hate sitting next to the wall while in class or in a restaurant.
14. But I love sitting at the window seat of a car or an aeroplane.
15. I use clautrophobia as an excuse to avoid point number 13 !!! People usually let me have my way ... not because they believe me, but because they'd rather humour the tantrum-y child inside of me.
16. I once spent 7 hours at night sitting on the step of a moving train. Luckily, I didn't fall asleep !!
17. I am unable to display affection in public.
18. I have read "The Class" by Erich Segal nearly 10 times.
19. As a child, whenever I had fever, I grew in height !!!
20. Even though I'm a total attention whore, I am quite camera shy.
21. Gay experience ? Check.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007


I have a little spider in my bathroom. I've named him Chimpoo. Yes, he's a male spider - I don't know how I know that ... I just do. I remember when he first came in ... hiding in one corner, too afraid to scurry about the walls, just sort of eyeing me from afar. Sweet little thing - jet black. I was amazed at how small he was, and I wondered if he would grow up to be a ferocious tarantula. Anyways, Chimpoo keeps me company, and he's extremely useful. I realized that a few days back, when I saw some ants caught in his little web, right behind the door ... very close to the floor. My dear dear Chimpoo, I said to myself ... and smiled benignly, keeping things clean for his daddy.

Then Chimpoo disappeared. My eyes would dart here and there every morning, hoping to catch a glimpse of his fat little body. I had given up all hope of ever seeing Chimpoo again, when he jumped out of my shower curtain this morning, just as I was about to take a shower. My word ... how he had grown. Gone was all that pudginess, that black color, those scared eyes. Here was Chimpoo - running up the wall, his body a bright brown, his legs long and slender (not a tarantula after all, I sighed), his eyes more scary than scared. Up up up he went, and plonked himself in the upper right corner of the bathroom, looking down at me, watching me shower. I kept looking up to see if he too wanted to be washed, but he seemed disinterested. I thought about going into the garden downstairs and getting him an ant to eat, but then I was already quite late for work. I left.

I have a little spider in my bathroom. I've named him Chimpoo. He's stuck to the wall ... the upper right corner. I think I'm going to take him down ... his splattered body might leave a stain.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Shakespeare can just suck it

So ?

So ??

What should we call him ?

Hmm ...

How about Zeus ?

I don't know. I wouldn't want him to be the last one called for practical exams and all.

Hmm .. good point. So probably not Aakash either, right ?

Yeah ... plus we named her with an A. How about something a little later in the alphabet ?

G ?

G ... G ... Gautam ?

I like it !!

I'm just worried that people might tease him with the whole Gautam Buddha thing.

Haan, that's true. Let's name him the most common name in the entire northern part of India ... coupled with our last name, he'll ALWAYS have someone with the same name as his. He'll never feel alone !!

But then how will he ever find a unique email id ... one that will not require him to use weird numbers or abbreviations and all that ? Wouldn't he then be forced to make up nonsensical ids ... thereby being the subject of much ridicule at the hands of his friends ?

E-mail ? What's that ?

Strange ... I have no idea. I don't know why I said that !!

Come come now ... you've just had our baby ... you should rest. Here, let me get you another pillow.

And that's probably how I was named. I'm naming my children Ghatotkatch (pyaar se Ghattu) and Shoorpankha (my dear Shoorpi).

Monday, July 16, 2007

Tit-bits ... heehee ... Oh grow up!!

So I was shaving this morning, and the RJ was playing some sort of top 100 list of all time greatest American songs or some such, and on came "Manic Monday" ... I think the line "It's just another manic Monday ... wish it were Sunday ... woee ooo woee ooo" is rather stupid - if you ARE wishing for another day, why not wish it were a Saturday instead ? That would give you one extra holiday, wouldn't it. Hmm .. perhaps coz not many things rhyme with Saturday ?? How about ... "Oh it's Monday .. just another Maaad-Hatter day ... woeee ooo woeee ... wish it were Saturday" ... guess it wouldn't have made it to the top 100 of all time then.

I suspect an old African American (or Babban, as we used to call them in the university) woman lives inside of me. It's ridiculous how easily I can talk like one ... and quite accurately too, if I do say so myself. I can do the whole "unnn hnnn honey", "whatchuuu talkin abouuu" and "you go, guurrrlfriennn *snap*" bits; as N, I'm sure, can attest to. Perhaps Maya Angelou channels my spirit when she writes !!

I like monkeys. Not in a pervy sexual deviant kind of way, but they seem to be the only toy animal I get attracted to. As an aside, why do so many people say Maawnkey and Dunnkey ?? I mean I understand the whole tomato tomaato thing, but still. Anyways, like I was saying, for some reason, the only stuffed toys that I would pick up and/or play with are monkeys, I have this gorilla keychain where he is sucking his left thumb, the only metal "art" I liked at Pier 1 recently was this monkey candleholder hanging by its tail (no, I didn't buy it) ... and just about anything monkey related makes me laugh. Could it be because I'm still evolving ?? After all, I can move my ears up and down without touching them !!

Speaking of bad pronunciation, a couple of days back, this guy on TV was saying stuff like "the Ik-naw-me is very strong", "let me give you an ig-jem-ple" ... clearly, you don't need to have perfect diction to be a total hot-shot in business, as I'm sure Lakshmi Mittal knows all too well.

Of all the "bad" things I have been called by people who hardly know me in the last month or so - bitchy, pricey, boring, obnoxious, heartless - the only one I took exception to, was boring. Is that strange ? Or did I get pissed at being called boring because that's the only one I work at not being ? Hmm ... therapy time ?

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Cartman rocks!

I don't know whether this is incredibly offensive (at least to Spanish people) or totally funny. I think I'll make up my mind as soon as I stop laughing ...

Monday, July 9, 2007

Way to the top?

Is it wrong that my mind went in the expected direction upon reading my Orkut "fortune" for today?

You have an unusual equipment for success, use it properly.

It's funny, but it's true ... though I'm not sure if unusual is the right way of putting it (err ... pun not intended).

Saturday, July 7, 2007

ATA securities - we protect you!

She dialed his number. Pick up, pick up, please pick up, she thought. Hey babe, he answered in his usual cheerful voice. You must get here immediately, she said in hushed tones, her voice full of panic. I can feel it ... someone is in the house again. Oh sweety, he said, we've been through this before. There is no one there ... and in any case, it would take me atleast an hour to get there. Has the security system gone off ? No, she replied ... but I just know that I'm not alone. Please come, she implored him, straining to talk due to the fear that choked her. Ok ok, he replied, I'm leaving now. Go into your room and lock the door. Have you changed the code since the last time ? No, please hurry, please; she begged. I'm already in the car, he said, don't be scared, nothing is going to happen to you, ok ? Yes, he heard her say, and could make out that she had not convinced herself. She disconnected the phone, and shaking all over, walked as quickly as she could towards her bedroom. She turned on the light, peeked in, then entered, closed the door and locked it behind her. Before she could turn around, she felt the warmth of another body close to her, and felt the serrated edge of a knife cut through her throat. She fell to the ground, and saw those brown shoes going away, as the last drop of blood seeped out of her.

He was driving like a man possessed, but he tried to remain calm. He reached in under forty minutes, got out and ran to the door. He punched in the code and entered. Taking the stairs two at a time, he entered the bedroom. He stripped as fast as he could, and put the knife, his clothes and his brown shoes into a garbage bag. She always listened without thinking, he said out aloud, and smiled as he jumped into the shower.

Friday, July 6, 2007


Off and on, I've been living away from home for around 9 years now. I pay rent, and insurance. I manage my own finances. I cook, I clean, I go grocery shopping, and pay my bills. I work, sometimes seven days a week. I've been through ups and downs in a relationship and am still normal. I watch "arty" movies and actually like them. I take myself to the doctor whenever I have to. I've started to enjoy reading novels by Milan Kundera and Virginia Woolf. I remember birthdays and send people gifts. I love traveling to new places, and the whole planning that goes with it. I can fake making interesting conversation with a random group of people. I volunteer with some organizations and I teach ninth graders. I want to learn a new language, and to play the piano. I think about life and the future.

I still want to be woken up on a cold Delhi morning, just so that I can make a whiny sound and pull the razai over my head. I hear my room in NFC calling out to me. Why do I no longer get pocket money, or a few rupees from mom's purse to get a Limchu bar ? I long for ghar ka khaana, I hate doing laundry, I want a larder automatically stocked with everything I like, and I want to be told to turn off the lights if I'm not using them. Why can't I have a Campa Cola after playing in the park for hours on end ? Normal ... me ? Haah !! Batman rocks - Saturday mornings, 10:30 to 11:30. Why isn't daddy the one with all the cures ? I've yet to read anything more entertaining than Calvin & Hobbes. I want to blow out all the candles on my huge chocolate birthday cake. I want everything planned, and don't want to think twice before eating anything, or buying what I like. I sometimes imagine people as cartoons when they're talking. I don't know jack. I love talking rubbish, and want to play with my He-Man models. Life ? Isn't that a board game ?

Have I grown up, or haven't I ?

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Stop right now ... *insert Mel C dancing*

Dear Americans who bug me,

1. Stop getting fooled by offers that ask you to buy a couch, a bed etc. because you don't have to pay anything for a whole year ... the ad is precisely what it says ... you're ok for one year, but you still have to pay eventually !! If you can't afford it, don't buy it ... if you still do, stop crying about how you're in credit debt all the time.

2. Indians learn their ABCs at the same time as you do, and we probably learn it better. Stop getting surprised at the fact that we can speak "your" language.

3. Stop giving your damn kids a frikkin "time out" ... your child is being a nuisance ... slap him. Or I will. Slap you.

4. If you are not interested in my raam-kahani of how I was working for a while, and then showed my friend around the city; followed by a detailed description of all the places that we went to, then stop asking me how my weekend was.

5. I am not a sadhu baba and do not know Yoga just because I am from India. Do not form the various mudras in front of me and expect me show you the proper finger placement. Keep this up and I will show you one kind of finger placement for sure.

6. STOP making ads.

7. Yes, I see how you do not understand how "curry" is part of an everyday meal in India. I too continue to wonder how boiled bhutta, mashed potato with onion chilkas and dry bread is food.

8. I am not interested in converting to your religion. Firstly, I am a borderline atheist. Secondly, my "religion" is faaar older than yours. Thirdly, do not disturb me on a Saturday morning, specially in the middle of my cartoons, if you do not want a lengthy discourse on how Noah's story is stolen from Vishnu's matsya avatar. Fourthly, no, I have not read the Bible. No, I don't think I'm missing out. I haven't read the Gita or the Quran or the Guru Granth Sahib either. Do you have a porno that I could borrow ?

9. Any sport played only in your country does not qualify as a world series.

10. What is this absurd obsession with Britney Spears and her hoochie ? Haven't you all seen enough Jerry Springer ?


Monday, July 2, 2007

Cheeni kam hai

So I watched KWK2 with Madhuri aunty (Part 1, Part 2) ... not a bad interview ... she did look quite nice and all that, and does seem quite normal, but here are some things which came to my mind while watching the show ...

- I've been in the US for about five years now, so I've got another year or so to go before I start saying the following:
1. I've heard a laat
2. I'm going to make time and vaatch it
3. The whole generation is so faaast (yes, I still say fast as in aghast, not faaast as in I-have-forgotten-the-pronunciation-I-have-used-my-whole-life)
4. They come and ask me for my auddograaaph
5. Batterrrr instead of better

- Dixit is a rather simple surname to say ... it's Dikkshhitt ... why was Karan insisting on calling her dickshit ?? She did not look pleased !!

- I nominate KJ for the "So Fake" award - in three categories ... the laugh (umm, it is quite evident you don't find the story interesting), the Oh Gaaaawwd (yes, we were as horrified as you at that little tidbit, Karan) and the unnnnn sound he takes out when he is oh-so-cutely pulling his guest's leg ... so endearing, really.

- Madhuri talking about her first date ... "so I found out that mountain biking is really biking on mountains" ... oh reaahhllly, I thought it was called Mountain + Biking since it involved drinking Earl Grey tea and eating crumpets. Don't be dumb, pliss.

- Madhuri teling KJ, "Movies today are so real ... not at all larger than life" ... umm ... I'm thinking of a 5-letter word that begins with I and ends with Y and has RON in between.