Thursday, May 31, 2007

Superhero queries I

1. Do Spidey's webs decompose after a while ? If so, wouldn't the criminals caught in them be able to run away ? If not, who cleans up his mess ?
[Update] Dammit ... as Z points out, someone has already thought of this idea ... and what's more, made the most hilarious cartoon about it !!!
2. Doesn't Batman ever trip over his cape when he's chasing the Joker ? It is quite long !!
3. Why don't superheroes ever abuse the bad guys ? They can't all be sugar mouthed. Come to think of it, why don't the criminals tell them to go fuck themselves once they've been caught ?
4. Really, what's the point of Aquaman ?
5. Is the Shiv Sena about to get a warrant issued against Wonder Woman ... you know, because of her ashleel kapde ?

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Open wide

I've never quite understood why the doctor's office is usually described in books and movies as a scary place to be. I went to one today, and there were magazines to read; television to watch; and the latest music to groove to. Ok, listen to. The people were all pleasant and kind, and everyone seemed to be working at this nice and easy pace ... a little too easy, perhaps - I had to wait for 20 minutes, even though I had an appointment. But apart from the small degree of slackness, it was quite a pleasant experience (even though his name was Dr. Jerk!! ... well, something like it) ... felt quite at home, really - but then that might have to do with the fact that I grew up looking up at (literally - till I grew taller, and figuratively, now) one.

I'm supposed to go back on Friday, which is when I would be scared - the x-ray reports and the results of my tests would be back, and that is when I would find out if there is something wrong with me. I can almost see some heads exploding with comments at this time. Luckily, flatmate does not read the blog - coz I'm sure he would have a zillion retorts ready and available. Hmph - idiot boy.

Speaking of his comments, here is one (out of soooo many) that completely cracked me up; specially due to its timing ...

Me *looking at a dog in a car that's passing by*: I want a dog.
- approximately 5 seconds of silence -
Flatmate *with a tone full of feeling*: Pehley khud toh bhaunkana band kar !!!!

What can I say, my friends love me.

One Nemo wanted

Since my mind tends to work in ways even I cannot fathom, I decided to see if I could get driving directions from San Diego to Rome; for my upcoming trip. The results that Google maps spit out, are ... interesting! See for yourself -

1. Go here.
2. Click on the Get directions tab.
3. Enter San Diego and Rome in the two boxes.
4. Take a look at direction number 38.

Errrm :-/

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Pssst ... pass this to her ...

I suspect I will be fired really soon !! The thing is - I have a tendency to get bored during meetings, and need some form of distraction. As a result, PS and I have started messaging each other on instant messenger to pass the time. Now as anyone who has passed notes in school knows, it is extremely difficult to control your laughter when you are in a serious situation and get a message that's even remotely funny.

Unfortunately for me, PS is really good at keeping a straight face, while I am not - I never have been !! So I am seen drinking large quantities of water, smiling madly at my computer screen, tying my shoe-laces every 2 minutes, and making sounds like I have a perpetual cold - all of this while everyone else is "brainstorming" to figure out ways to meet one random schedule or another. Last week, I actually had to pretend to receive a phone call to be able to get out of the conference room and laugh till my sides hurt.

This conversation happened not 20 minutes ago:

GG: badi gazab ki bhook lagi, maggi chahiye mujhey abhi
PS: just 2 min beta
u can then run out and get one of those instant noodles cans
y dont u run out and get some for everybody
that might silence the cat
*The cat is our pyaar-ka-naam for a manager, who is very very catty!!*
put in some glue in his can alone
GG: purrrrrr purrrrrrrrrr whimperrrrrrrr mmeeoowwrr
PS :yup..meeoow-mppppphhhh-mppppppphh....-owwwwww

*some random convo in meeting about having a program that does stuff by pushing a few buttons*

GG: cant we have ONE universal button which we can click and everything will get done ?
PS: yup..shutdown button

Needless to say, I tried to control my laughter at this (it's a geek thing); and ended up snorting loudly. I so need to be able to look all business-like and shit during such times, lest they fire my sorry ass.

Suggestions ?

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Who knew ?!?

You are The Sun

Happiness, Content, Joy.

The meanings for the Sun are fairly simple and consistent.

Young, healthy, new, fresh. The brain is working, things that were muddled come clear, everything falls into place, and everything seems to go your way.

The Sun is ruled by the Sun, of course. This is the light that comes after the long dark night, Apollo to the Moon's Diana. A positive card, it promises you your day in the sun. Glory, gain, triumph, pleasure, truth, success. As the moon symbolized inspiration from the unconscious, from dreams, this card symbolizes discoveries made fully consciousness and wide awake. You have an understanding and enjoyment of science and math, beautifully constructed music, carefully reasoned philosophy. It is a card of intellect, clarity of mind, and feelings of youthful energy.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Mind over Matter

I was talking to a friend today about how someone did something rotten to him, and was helping him plot ways of getting back (Ok, so not so much helping him as providing him with free ideas), and I had come up with some real gems; when he said, "Oh, it's best to forgive and forget". After being taken aback for a second, I spent the next ten minutes thinking about ways to teach him a lesson for wasting my time, and wondered ...

How did this thing of forgiving and forgetting originate? I simply cannot see how they go hand in hand. If someone screwed you over, and you did decide to be all mahatma-ish about it and forgive the person, that's one thing. But how does the forget part work ? Does one ever truly forget ? Now I've been called a lot of stuff in my life ... some of it deserved, most of it not (or so I like to believe); and I may not care about what was said (or done), or may choose to overlook it, or "forgive" the person(s) involved, but that hardly means that I would forget !!! Not holding a grudge and wiping the incident from memory couldn't possibly go hand-in-hand, could they ?

Imagine for a bit that you were an elephant, and as per an old wife's tail (why did wife's who had progressed in years grow tails ?? Did those appendages talk as well ? Anyhoo ..) you were amazing at remembering stuff. Now you were going to eat a peanut, and a mouse came and grabbed it from right in front of you. So you'd be left with two options:

A) Squish the mouse. Talk about it with other elephant dads when you all take your kids to their favorite toy store, Pachyderms R Us.

B) Let the mouse go with the peanut. Walk about. Find a second peanut. See another sweet little mouse about to make off with it. Remember what happened but a few moments ago. Hence, squish this mouse. Talk about it with other elephant dads when you all are taking Tequila shots at your favorite pub, The Drunk Trunk.

See, in either case, the forgiveness part may or may not work, but the forgetting part always fails.

As I was gloating in the realization that my logic really was infallible, I heard my friend say, “Hello, hello ... are you still there?” on account of my having been silent for a while. Pissed at him for pulling me out of such deep thoughts, I told him that I would talk to him later. Stupid fool, disturbing me because he thought I had forgotten about him (which, of course, I had). I think I shall disturb him when he’s super busy … that’ll teach him !!

Hmmm … a case of forgotten, but not forgiven ?

Friday, May 25, 2007

Diaper Rash

What the fuck is going on with the baby boom ? ... I just realized, the last sentence is what's going on .. yes, I know, I need to grow up !! But seriously, why is everyone I know popping out babies ?

GM (now GG - haha, in her face !! ... long story, another time) called a couple of days back, to let me know that I would soon be an uncle. Since that word brought back some horrible memories, I let her know that I am a progressive person, and her child can just address me by my name, thank you very much. Incidentally, she's due on the same day as my birthday, a date she feigns to forget every year - irony sure knows how to bitchslap someone !!

Anyhoo, I've known GM only a year less than T (who, thankfully, is married - but does not have little Ts and Ss running around !!) ... and she is about to be a mom !! Mani, my friend from college, will be a dad next month. Pops is going to get married in August, so a baby would most likely be on it's way soon. M is of course already married, and I have rather strong suspicions of "getting the good news" anytime now (I don't have any basis for these suspicions, but I'm just quite vela in life). My cousin brother and sis-in-law are expecting in December. Peels must be on her way too !! People all around me are taking maternity leave. What's going on ?!!!?

Don't these people know how snivel-ly and bratty and bugging kids can be ? (*clarification* - I was not, ask my mom ... actually, just take my word for it). Don't get me wrong ... I like kids - other peoples' kids ... as long as they are well behaved and leave us alone when we're done with them (my threshold is about 10 minutes). Plus when your friends have children, that leads to the added expectation of gifts ... and an unsaid caveat of how you are supposed to remember the day their bundle of joy came into this world - to become a teenager in thirteen short years, and resent them !!

Now one may wonder, am I thinking about all this because of the gaping black hole that is my life ? That is an introspection best left for a day when I'm loaded on grape juice, and since that is not a good idea while one is at work (yes, I am .. I'm taking a break ... killing some time .. it's Friday - before a long weekend - everyone else is anyways only pretending to work ... oh stop judging me and sod off !!), we shall leave that for later.

But before I leave, I think I shall ask a question, which will probably provide an answer to my earlier one - is there nothing good on TV anymore ???

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

But, My Dear Lady ...

I've been re-reading Yes Prime Minister for the past few days, and there is no doubt that one of my dream roles on stage would be to play Sir Humphery Appleby, in either Yes M or Yes PM.

Sir Humphrey Appleby: With the greatest possible respect, Prime Minister ...

James Hacker: This is a democracy, and the people don't like it.
Sir Humphrey Appleby: The people are ignorant and misguided.

James Hacker: Humphrey, it was the people who elected me!
[Humphrey nods]

Sir Humphrey Appleby: Well, it was a conversation to the effect that in view of the somewhat nebulous and inexplicit nature of your image and the arguably marginal and peripheral nature of your influence on the central deliberations and decisions within the political process, that there could be a case for restructuring their action priorities in such a way as to eliminate your liquidation from their immediate agenda.
James Hacker: They said that?
Sir Humphrey Appleby: That was the gist of it.


Tuesday, May 22, 2007

The Importance of Being Coolest

I was telling someone today about how I was super excited regarding this trip to Europe I would soon be taking, and more so since I was going to meet three of my closest pals from school there. I was busily ranting on and on, when he let me know that I really needed to be more "with it". This naturally came as a great surprise to me, seeing as how I always thought I quite was. I usually keep up with the news, read quite a bit, know what's the latest in music and entertainment, try out new places to eat, agreed - hardly ever go bar hopping, and don't really have too many labels in my closet ... but I didn't think I was without "it". "Haan, all that is fine, but you know ... you need to be cool", he offered.

Now I readily admit - I've never been "cool". Was it because I never felt the need to be the BMOC. Perhaps. Or maybe because, and they'll probably kill me if and when they read this, the friends I always hung out with were never really the cool sorts (contrary to anything AJ might say!!). I'm not saying I wasn't happy ... I just wasn't the guy with the spiky haircut, the dirty sports shoes with regular school trousers, I probably heard Nirvana five years too late, was never the one who threw the have-to-go-to parties (though I did get invited to most), didn't think that clubbing and getting sloshed were the to-do things, preferred eating an orange bar from Mongia's than having a Bulls-Eye at Machaan. It's difficult to explain ... I don't think I was the total geek boy either, just - not cool.

I guess I, and the people I was friends with, were always ... ummm ... bindaas. We were all pretty good at the stuff we did - be it studies, or any extra curricular stuff ... and we did a lot of that. Sure, we were known around school, just not as the "cheerleaders". We all had a whole lot of fun, and most of it was the goofy sorts. It was ok for us to act like juvenile fools even in the 12th standard (and while being prefects), as long as we weren't bugging everyone else around us ... and some times (ok, most times) even when we were ... and to be totally honest, because we were !! We just seemed to be happy with ... being happy.

I've made a lot of friends over the years, but even today, I have the most fun with that bunch of idiots I grew up with. There are literally countless incidents ... there was this one time when I was back from college for a vacation, and I picked up Peels from LSR, and the two of us went to the N-block Hot Breads. I was in my typical faded jeans and some un-ironed t-shirt, most probably with floaters. Peels was in the traditional LSR garb - Fab India kurta, jeans, kohlapuri chappal, hair tied up with a pencil. While we were discussing nothing in general, in walked these three LSR "babes" ... ekdum high fashion ... full on made-up, very "This is my Gucci bag" types. Naturally, I enquired of Peels as to why she looked like a jamadar in front of them? She made her typical sadaa hua face, and loudly proclaimed "Hmph. These bloody BTMs. Abhi theek karti hoon ek ek ko" !!! And we completely cracked up.

So, really - what defines "cool" ?? Shouldn't life be more about trying to be satisfied than trying to fit into pre-set stereotypes ? I really don't know why I'm spewing out such mahatma-ish thoughts. To justify why I am the way I am ? Highly unlikely, seeing as the opinion of only a handful of people has ever really mattered; and they seem ok with it. I guess coz even after all these years, I still miss my school friends like crazy. Do cool people live in the moment (I wouldn't know, seeing as how I'm not ... you need to pay attention, really!!) and think that being pals with school people is passe ? Would I give any of it (or them) up to be the coolest guy around ?

Please, that doesn't even deserve an answer.

Monday, May 21, 2007

If only they did melt in the hands ...

I am deeply distressed. I'm usually really polite ... ok, I'm actually not. But that's only with my friends, coz I know they can take it, and they understand the sense I mean the stuff I say, in. Now, the problem is that I am currently sharing my office with someone, who is a proper "nice boy" ... you know, smiley, considerate, doesn't get in my face, doesn't try and peek into my computer (of course, that would be quite impossible without him actually sitting in my chair since I have conveniently placed my desk, and hence my laptop, in a position that no one but me .. and anyone standing directly behind me - quite impossible - there is a huge wall right there, and I wold probably push my chair back and crush anyone who stood there ... damn .. I need therapy - can see what I'm doing), not too noisy etc etc.

However, he seems to have a need for an M&Ms fix every day. Which is fine, even though he hasn't once offered me any ... and no, that's not the reason I'm pissed. So he comes into the office with his packet, and then proceeds to eat the candies ONE AT A TIME. Which would also be ok, was it not for the fact that he enjoys chewing them with his mouth WIDE open. As a result, I am subjected to at-least 30 minutes or so of this highly annoying cchhhuupppp chhhaaapppp slluurrpp chhhpppp sound, and it's driving me crazy. Yes yes, I know that a really simple solution is to put on my headphones and listed to music as I usually do, but there are times when you need to concentrate on your work without music.

I've been contemplating whether or not to tell him. Would it be considered impolite if I asked him to chew with his mouth closed ? How about if I started doing the same everytime he did, only louder ... think he might then get the hint ? Or shall I just get the locks changed ? Throw my stapler at him everytime he opens the packet ? Tell him I'm allergic to all kinds of candies ?

The possibilities really are endless. But, as N would say, what to dyyyuuuu ??